-
As of today ICMag has his own Discord server. In this Discord server you can chat, talk with eachother, listen to music, share stories and pictures...and much more. Join now and let's grow together! Join ICMag Discord here! More details in this thread here: here.
-
ICMag and The Vault are running a NEW contest in October! You can check it here. Prizes are seeds & forum premium access. Come join in!
G
greenmatter
i hope this one is not a repeat ..... if so i hope you are to stoned to remember hearing it.
a man and his 5 year old son are walking in the park when they see two dogs fucking.
the kid asks dad what they are doing and the dad says they are making puppies.
later in the day the kid walks in on his parents in bed and asks what they are doing. dad explains that they are making a little brother or sister for him.
kid looks dad square in the eye and says ......... could you flip her over? i would rather have a puppy
a man and his 5 year old son are walking in the park when they see two dogs fucking.
the kid asks dad what they are doing and the dad says they are making puppies.
later in the day the kid walks in on his parents in bed and asks what they are doing. dad explains that they are making a little brother or sister for him.
kid looks dad square in the eye and says ......... could you flip her over? i would rather have a puppy
G
greenmatter
this could also be a repeat ...... things are getting hard to sort out these days
two cowboys are riding along a fence line when they find a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence
one cowboy gets off his horse and proceeds to fuck the sheep
when he finishes he turns to the other cowboy and says "you want some of this?"
cowboy 2 says "yup" ..... gets off his horse and sticks his head in the fence
two cowboys are riding along a fence line when they find a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence
one cowboy gets off his horse and proceeds to fuck the sheep
when he finishes he turns to the other cowboy and says "you want some of this?"
cowboy 2 says "yup" ..... gets off his horse and sticks his head in the fence
I have a variant....
A man joins the Foreign Legion, and after a few months is feeling rather horny and frustrated.
So he speaks to his CO about the problem, and the CO leads him to a small tent near the edge of the base. Inside the tent is a barrel with a hole drilled in it.
"Just use the barrel to release you tension" said the CO
So the man, gets his knob out and starts pounding away at the barrel, and to his surprise, once he got past the wood, he felt himself entering a warm tight soft space.
This was repeated for few days, until one day he asked for permission to use the barrel.
"No" said the CO "This week it's your turn INSIDE the barrel"
another repeat:
and so this guy goes back to the doctors office to have his blood work diagnosed by Dr. DeMeize, "Mr Smith, I have got the worst possible news for you today, we've found advanced phase 4 cancer and you have only 6 months to live."
"NO!" shouts Smitty "that just can't be! I'll change my lifestyle, quit smoking & no more drinking either!" "I'm sorry Mr Smith nothing you do or do not do now will matter, 6 months is all you have to live, I'm so very sorry."
Smitty cries, begs, pleads for more time but the doctor stands firm on his prognosis. "I'll tell you what Mr Smith, I think you should go down to Kansas and marry a fat old farm girl as soon as you can!" "I'll do it" cries Smitty "but how will that help me live any longer?" "It won't at all" said the doctor, "but I can promise that it's gonna be the longest 6 months of your life......."
and so this guy goes back to the doctors office to have his blood work diagnosed by Dr. DeMeize, "Mr Smith, I have got the worst possible news for you today, we've found advanced phase 4 cancer and you have only 6 months to live."
"NO!" shouts Smitty "that just can't be! I'll change my lifestyle, quit smoking & no more drinking either!" "I'm sorry Mr Smith nothing you do or do not do now will matter, 6 months is all you have to live, I'm so very sorry."
Smitty cries, begs, pleads for more time but the doctor stands firm on his prognosis. "I'll tell you what Mr Smith, I think you should go down to Kansas and marry a fat old farm girl as soon as you can!" "I'll do it" cries Smitty "but how will that help me live any longer?" "It won't at all" said the doctor, "but I can promise that it's gonna be the longest 6 months of your life......."
It's been a week
It's been a week
Since stoner4 posted that joke know body wants their joke next to it. somebody's got to be next..
It's been a week
Since stoner4 posted that joke know body wants their joke next to it. somebody's got to be next..
After I retired, my wife insisted
that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like
most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get
out.
Equally unfortunate,
my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife
received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs.
Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior
and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
complaints
against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the
alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He
made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor
that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?' . . . EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked
right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted
around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK
ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where
the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly,
'Hey! There's no
toilet paper in here.' . . . One of the clerks passed out.
that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like
most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get
out.
Equally unfortunate,
my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife
received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs.
Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior
and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
complaints
against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the
alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He
made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor
that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company
money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they
would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?' . . . EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked
right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted
around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK
ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where
the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly,
'Hey! There's no
toilet paper in here.' . . . One of the clerks passed out.
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
D
draco
a rabbi and a priest were walking in town when the priest noticed a child sleeping in an alley.
'let's f*ck him!" said the priest.
"outta what?" said the rabbi.
'let's f*ck him!" said the priest.
"outta what?" said the rabbi.
MY 93 year old grandfather died last week, making love to his 87 year old wife.
They only did it once a week, on a Sunday morning, he'd use the church bells to establish a rhythm.
Damn that wedding party.
They only did it once a week, on a Sunday morning, he'd use the church bells to establish a rhythm.
Damn that wedding party.
Tennis Elbow
Tennis Elbow
A guy goes to see the doctor about a sore elbow. When he gets in, the doc tells the man about a new machine he has where all he has to do is pee in a cup and the machine will tell him what's wrong.
So the man gives the urine and the doctor puts it into the machine and it says that he has tennis elbow. The man was amazed. On his way out the nurse gave him another cup and said that if he had any more problems that he could just pee in the cup and drop it by the doctor's office and they would take care of it.
Well a couple of days passed and the guy decided to fuck with the doctor and his new fancy machine. So he got his daughter to pee in the cup, His wife pees in the cup, his dog pees in the cup then he got some motor oil off the dipstick on the car then he masturbated into the cup. he stirred it up real good and took it to the doctor.
The doctor put the sample into his machine and told the man to wait outside. It took about an hour before the doctor came back.
He said "sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news." the man said "tell me doc I can handle it." The doctor replied," well your daughter is pregnant, your wife is fucking everyone, your dog has worms, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit masturbating you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!"
GL
Tennis Elbow
A guy goes to see the doctor about a sore elbow. When he gets in, the doc tells the man about a new machine he has where all he has to do is pee in a cup and the machine will tell him what's wrong.
So the man gives the urine and the doctor puts it into the machine and it says that he has tennis elbow. The man was amazed. On his way out the nurse gave him another cup and said that if he had any more problems that he could just pee in the cup and drop it by the doctor's office and they would take care of it.
Well a couple of days passed and the guy decided to fuck with the doctor and his new fancy machine. So he got his daughter to pee in the cup, His wife pees in the cup, his dog pees in the cup then he got some motor oil off the dipstick on the car then he masturbated into the cup. he stirred it up real good and took it to the doctor.
The doctor put the sample into his machine and told the man to wait outside. It took about an hour before the doctor came back.
He said "sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news." the man said "tell me doc I can handle it." The doctor replied," well your daughter is pregnant, your wife is fucking everyone, your dog has worms, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't quit masturbating you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow!"
GL
Henry the Rooster
Henry the Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy." "Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
Henry the Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy." "Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
G
Guest 26753
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read his new Little Black Book of Marijuana.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her between her legs. He does this a few times -- but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband, confused, asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me down there; I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband says, “No, not at all.”
His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then??”
“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her between her legs. He does this a few times -- but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband, confused, asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me down there; I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband says, “No, not at all.”
His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then??”
“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”
Old Rabi retires, big party for him, at the end they present him with a watch box.
He opens the box looks in
A Timex ??
A Fukin timex ???
" I give 52 years of my life, for a timex ??? "
So the old rabi goes to the basement and gets a huge barrel of forskins, takes it to a leather shop, says "make me something out of this"
2 weeks later the leather shop calls him up says its ready.
The Rabi gets therethe leather smith hands him a wallet.
" A wallet, ??? 52 years of forskins and all you can make it a wallet ???
Leather smith says "Yea ,,,but when you rub it , it turns into a suitcase"
He opens the box looks in
A Timex ??
A Fukin timex ???
" I give 52 years of my life, for a timex ??? "
So the old rabi goes to the basement and gets a huge barrel of forskins, takes it to a leather shop, says "make me something out of this"
2 weeks later the leather shop calls him up says its ready.
The Rabi gets therethe leather smith hands him a wallet.
" A wallet, ??? 52 years of forskins and all you can make it a wallet ???
Leather smith says "Yea ,,,but when you rub it , it turns into a suitcase"
