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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

STUNKY

Member
2 old rednecks (hope noone gets offended lol) riding down some back roads drinking their beer ,one says to the other damn i'm drunk .. yeah man we need get off the road .they pass a cop.. the cop recognizes the 2 drunks and knows if them 2 are together something going on... he turns his lights on ..passenger says oh shit man hes turning around for us.. in a panic the driver says to him i got this don't worry just do like i do.. He grabs his beer bottle rips the label off it and sticks it on his forhead.. the drunk passenger says what the hell man this ain't gonna work.. he says just do it its our only chance.. as the police officer is approaching the car he rips his label off and sticks it to his head.. driver rolls down the window and says good--evveeening officcer..officer says i see ya'll been drinking tonight huh.. driver replies no-ssier we on the patch..
 

Hank Hemp

Active member
Veteran
You sure they were rednecks and not another southern racial group? You know who I mean, OK I'll say it Pollocks.
 

STUNKY

Member
LOL... when i first heard it it was 2 cajuns, budro and something else i can't remember the names so i substituted rednecks .. i'm in the south so i figured it would be a good substitute.. not bad joke though.. some great jokes hear folks..
 

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
A middle aged man takes his daughter out to the mall. After she’d finished shopping they sit together in a cafe. Whilst he’s sat having a coffee and his daughter is eating her burger, he can’t help but stare at a young girl sat across the way with a plume of multicoloured hair, spiked and in the shape of a mohican. After staring at this girl for a while she eventually gets pissed off with him and says; “Hey man, what is your problem? Never done anything wild in your life?”

Cool as you like the older gent sips his coffee, turns the the spikey haired teenager and says; “I got so stoned once that I fucked a parrot. I was just wondering whether you’re my daughter.”
 

masamaaso

Member
Veteran
Guys been on an island alone for 15 years
One day this hot chick in a black one piece swimsuit comes swimming to shore.
She sits next to the guy asks
Hey you want a smoke ?
The guy says sure.
The chick unzips her suit a little bit
reaches in,
Pulls out a lighter and a pack Camels.
Guys sitting there having a smoke.
Chick looks at him says
You want a drink ?
Guy says sure.
Chick unzips her suit a little more
reaches in
pulls out a flask and a little cup.
Guys sitting there having a drink and a smoke.
Chick looks at him says
You want to play around ?
Guy looks at her wide eyed and says
You got a set of golf clubs in there ?
 

Stoner4Life

Medicinal Advocate
ICMag Donor
Veteran
ic.jpg

so 3 chicks are stranded on a deserted island, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. every so often something washes up on shore giving them a reward of sorts or at least a break from the monotony.

one day they spot a shiny object and the 3 of them rush over to grab it, they're all fumbling with what looks to be an ancient lantern when suddenly *POOOOF* out pops a genie. "For my release your reward will be 3 wishes! just one for each be warned!!"

the redhead speaks up first nearly crying "I'd love to be back home in Texas with my family!" and just like that she's gone...

the brunette's so excited she's bouncing up n' down says "please send me back to NY and the ones I love!" instantly leaving the blonde & the genie alone....

"And at last what is your wish?" asks the genie of the blonde valley girl, she looks around with a forlorn look on her face and then says "it's sure getting lonely around here, I wish my friends would come back......."


 

Slim Pickens

Well-known member
Veteran
Shipwrecked

Shipwrecked

4 guys and a woman are on a chartered fishing trip when a big as* storm comes up and they become shipwrecked on a deserted island.

After some time on the island,conflicts arise as these people are still young and virile.They decide that the best way to approach the problem,is for each guy to "marry" the woman for a week,after the week is over,the next guy marries her for a week,and so on.....

This arrangement works great for many years,until the woman gets sick and dies.

The first week was no problem.


The second week it was only barely noticeable.


The third week it was getting worse.



The fourth week it was getting really bad...



By the fifth week it was so bad...



that they had to go ahead and bury her.
 

masamaaso

Member
Veteran
Little indian boy goes up to the big chief of the tribe and says.
"Big chief,, for over 100 years you have named every new baby born into the tribe, but you never give the same name twice, not even close,,Tell me big chief, how do you do it"

Big chief says "ahhhhhh, when the baby is born i take it in my arms, i close my eyes and turn around 3 times, the first thing i see when i open my eyes is the babys name", like "eagle feather" or "running bear"
"tell me 2 dogs fucking,,,why do you ask"
 

Vash

Ol' Skool
ICMag Donor
Veteran
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
 

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, how come big planes don't have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded: “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Australia always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."
 

Vash

Ol' Skool
ICMag Donor
Veteran
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’ “Twenty-six!” he said.
 

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
A man asks his Gf to marry him, but she refuses unless he can prove he loves her.
He thinks for a while, and decides that enduring the pain of a tattoo on his penis, should do the trick, so he heads to the local tattooist, and asks for Wendy to be tattooed on his dick.
"I can do it mate, but when you are on the flop, it will only say Wndy" says the tattooist.
"That's fine as it will be stiff when I present it to her anyway" replies the man.
And so he gets the tat, goes home, shows Wendy, she is over the moon, says yes and they get married.
They chose Jamaica for the honeymoon, and in the airport, the man goes to the toilet, in the toilet is a very large black man with dreads down to is knees. Unable to contain his curiosity, the man peers over to the next urinal to compare his penis with the large mans, and notices Wndy tattooed on the large mans member.
Wow, this is amazing" says the man, "We have the same tattoo, is your girlfriend called Wendy too?"
"No mon" replies the large dread, mi girlfriend name's Jasmine!"
"So what does your tattoo say when you get a stiffy?" asks the man.
To which the dread replies "Welcome to Jamaica mon, and have a nice day"
 

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
And on similar lines:

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He gives one clue: "It's what your mother calls me."
The boy yells: "It's a fucking dick don't eat it!".
 

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
A man goes to Canada on a hunting holiday and decides he wants to bag a bear, so he gets up at 3am and heads out to the forest, taking his rifle with him.
He sets up in his hide and waits for hours, then he sees a bear, "Blam", he shoots, misses, and the bear comes at him. When it gets to him, he is surprised to discover that the bear can speak. "In the mouth, or up the arse?" says the bear. The man thinks for second and decides the mouth would be preferable to having this sphinctre torn by bear wang and he drops to his knees and fellates the bear. "OMG, you dick tastes like shit" says the man, and the bear answers "You think you are the only hunter round here?"
The next day, feeling humiliated and violated he buys an AK47 and heads out to the forest, again he waits and again he sees the bear "Blam, blam rat a tat " and he has missed again. Again the bear comes and gives the man his choice. Remembering the shitty dick, this time he opts to be buggered by the bear and as he is screaming he contemplates how he will get the bear next time.
Next day, he buys an RPG and heads out to the forest, he waits all day and the bear finally appears, Whoosh, boom he fires the RPG, and again he misses, and he crys inside knowing what is coming. The bear strolls over and says "Come on now darling, be honest, you're not just here for the hunting are you".
 

spainmedman

Active member
True story about a joke I made.

I was at my buddies bar/restaurant and a lady is getting super bitchy because it is cash only there. Her husband tells her he has enough cash and to chill out, she goes into the bathroom.
When she goes into the bathroom I say to the guy "you're a lucky man", he says "what does that mean?". I say "it means you poor bastard", he just laughs and says "she isn't always like that, I said "I hope not".
She comes out, they leave. I hear their tires rolling out on the gravel driveway, then the car stops, I hear a door open and close.
Fat bitch comes running back into the restaurant and comes up behind me and says "you think you're funny, you think you're funny?"
I was stoned and half drunk....
I spin around on my bar stool and spread out my arms like I want to give her a great big hug and I start singing...
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE, YOU MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GREY...
The bar erupts in laughter, she leaves.
 

Stonefree69

Veg & Flower Station keeper
Veteran
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife....."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
 

Harry Gypsna

Dirty hippy Bastard
Veteran
Superman flies over the city, and he sees Wonder woman, naked, spreadeagled on top on a skyscraper grinding her hips furiously. He sees this as an invitation and thinks "I can swoop down with my super speed, fuck her and be finished before she even realises"
So down he swoops with super speed. He does his thing in the blink of an eye and then he is up up and away into the night.
"What the fuck was that?" shouts Wonder woman, and the invisible man replies,
"I don't know, but my arse hurts like hell."
 
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