The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[trichrider]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'



The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'

 

[dddaver]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little
... ... girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

 

[trichrider]

I did not know this:

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give

you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give

you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can

give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give

you brain problems.



Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

 

[trichrider]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthose expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[trichrider]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Why YES," she answers with a seductive smile..


"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat!!"

He never heard the gunshot…

 

[MJBadger]

***

***

LOL

 

[benjuanman]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Stoner4Life]

I'll never look @ R2D2 the same way ever again.......

 

[wizoo]

 

[thegambler]

OBAMA......

 

[Slim Pickens]

OBAMA......

Oh Brother...........


Neither party is offering a good candidate,best they can do is lukewarm patsies who aren't allowed to think for themselves.Again,we have to choose between the "lesser of two evils".We are doomed as a country when the rich dictate the candidates who will "fetch" on command.

 

[Chamba]

What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

 

[Chamba]

A baby seal walked into a club........

 

[Chamba]

How do you get a fat girl into bed?


A piece of cake.

 

[greenmatter]

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

choked

 

[D. B. Doober]

A photographer comes across 2 attractive black women. He offers a few hundred dollars to bring them back to his studio for a photo session.
The shoot is going well, but the photographer has to stop to change lenses. One of the black women says to the other "what's he doing?" She replies "he's 'bout to focus." The other woman replies "he's gonna focus? Bofus?"

 

[thegambler]

LOL!!!!

 

[armedoldhippy]

a Higgs-Bosun particle was walking down the street, & noticed a group of people going into a Catholic church. he gets in line & was about to sit down when a priest comes up & says "i'm sorry, but we don't allow Higgs-Bosuns in here!" the particle tells him "but you can't have Mass without me!"

 

[armedoldhippy]

ya know how "PMS" got its name? "mad cow disease" was already taken...

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A man comes in from the pub and says to his wife "Quick, pack your bags, I've won the lotto" .
The wife responds "Ooooh lovely, where are we going?"
To which hubby replies "What do you mean we, I'm going to Jamaica, now get packing and fuck off"

Why is it sad when a police car with 5 officers inside xplodes or goes over a cliff??
There was room for 2 more in the boot/trunk.

How many screws does it take to hold a lesbians bed together??
None-it's all tongue and groove.