The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[MJBadger]

The wife was in the Chapel Of Rest at the undertakers looking at her husbands body in the coffin when the undertaker asks her if there is any special request they can carry out .
The wife thinks about it for a few seconds then asks the undertaker if he could snap off his rigour mortis penis & shove it up his arse .
Needless to say the undertaker was extremely shocked by such a request & tried to dissuade her . But money talks & after receiving a handfull of cash from the wife he grips his penis , cracks it off , rolls the husband on his stomach & whacks the penis up . With that a big fat tear rolls out of the husbands eye , the wife looks at him & whispers in his ear . See i told you it fucking hurt you bastard .

 

[Stoner4Life]

what do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?


a man who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a doG.......

 

[Hank Hemp]

See what we get if we really try. You'll smoke a turd in hell for that tho.

 

[Stoner4Life]

what does PMS mean to a guy???


packin' my suitcase.......

 

[chuckyoufarley]

^^^ PMS =personality must suck

 

[dddaver]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face.

 

[draco]

little johnny and little billy spent part of the day at a nearby construction site. later they were having dinner with the fam when little billy says, "please pass the fucking potatoes."

Dad backhands him good. then looks at johnny and says," what do YOU want?"

little johnny says, "one things for goddam sure - i don't want any of those fucking potatoes!!" '

 

[chuckyoufarley]

what has more brains then curt cobain
the wall behind him


i bet Bill Clinton wished Kennedy gave Monica a ride home

 

[Grobot2010]

I didn't read through all of the entire thread, so I apologize if this has already been posted:

Proton walks in to a bar looking glum...
Bartender says, "What's the matter, fella?"
Proton: "Ah, I just lost an electron."
Bartender: "Are you sure?"
Proton: "I'm POSITIVE!"

 

[trichrider]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one,
his Wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his Ear.. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried And decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door,
their Daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could
get the Peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove Two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.. When the
father Blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that It was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'from smelling his fingers I would say our son-in-law'

 

[trichrider]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,stormy night,when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for thebus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die
2. A very old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that therecould only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continuereading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as partof a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she isgoing to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would bethe perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be ableto find your perfect mate again








YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no troublecoming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. Iwould stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain much more if we are able to give up our stubbornthought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and puther out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of your car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

 

[trichrider]

a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman,

sat in her US
Government class. The

professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe

vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered

the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the

decision
George Washington had to make

before he crossed the Delaware

 

[Hank Hemp]

Sad

Sad

I didn't read through all of the entire thread, so I apologize if this has already been posted:

Proton walks in to a bar looking glum...
Bartender says, "What's the matter, fella?"
Proton: "Ah, I just lost an electron."
Bartender: "Are you sure?"
Proton: "I'm POSITIVE!"

Wasn't that on the big bang awhile back? One of those time jokes, laugh when you have the time.

 

[El_Kabong]

what's the square root of 69?















8 something

 

[Princess Vahall]

A man gets pulled over & the cop asked if he had been drinking. He says no, was I swerving? The cop says no you were driving spectacularly, it was the fat chick in the passenger seat that tipped me off.

 

[Stoner4Life]

President Obama has just enacted a mandatory 10 day waiting period before marrying any Kardashian.......

 

[greenmatter]

how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

have a tiger drag him off stage

 

[cravin morehead]

this is a great joke--

http://www.icmag.com/ic/showthread.php?t=237508


to think he's serious

 

[sweetaction]

pretty fucked up ...

 

[Midnite Toker]

What's the differnce between a duck? One leg is both the same.
.......................~mT