The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[HaHaHashish]

Anthony Bourdain had no drugs in his system when he died.......well, we now know the cause of death.

Seriously though, Anthony Bourdain's death has affected me way more than I thought it would, I've read every article, every news story, seen the latest Parts Unknown episodes online..when you watch his last few shows you can see a little sadness there that was not apparent to me prior to his suicide...he will be sadly missed, in the land of bleached teeth, orange skinned, brainless, fake, egotistical talking heads that populate media, he stood out as an intelligent, hip, likable human.

 

[Lester Moore]

Anthony Bourdain had no drugs in his system when he died.......well, we now know the cause of death.

Seriously though, Anthony Bourdain's death has affected me way more than I thought it would, I've read every article, every news story, seen the latest Parts Unknown episodes online..when you watch his last few shows you can see a little sadness there that was not apparent to me prior to his suicide...he will be sadly missed, in the land bleached teeth, orange skinned, brainless, fake, egotistical talking heads that populate media, he stood out as an intelligent, hip, likable human.

Uumm, how is this funny?
Searching for the humor........Terrible joke.

 

[armedoldhippy]

Uumm, how is this funny?
Searching for the humor........Terrible joke.

"well, we now know the cause of death" = punchline. not a GREAT one, but...

 

[HaHaHashish]

Uumm, how is this funny?
Searching for the humor........Terrible joke.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Arguably, the funniest joke in this long thread is about a boy who catches his Dad doggy-styling his Mum and then an hour later the boy makes sure he is caught banging his Grandmother and says to his Dad while still humping away "Not so funny when it's your mother is it?"

Not everyone loves that joke either, lol, but I do love telling it.

 

[HaHaHashish]

"well, we now know the cause of death" = punchline. not a GREAT one, but..

You're right, it's not that funny, maybe it would raise a chuckle for those with gallows humor, but it is one of the few posts in this thread that was original and not cut-n-pasted. , barda-boom!

 

[HaHaHashish]

I'm developing a bald patch on the top of my head...I feel like I'm being slowly erased.

 

[Snook]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
“I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] for us."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another Democrat, he has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
[/FONT]

 

[Snook]

Not 90 but can relate

Not 90 but can relate

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

 

[Snook]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[lamenamenumbers]

I was at a bbq yesterday and I wanted to take home some leftovers, but someone foiled my plans.....

 

[Jellyfish]

LOL! Now THAT'S how ya do it!

 

[masterchief]

what's the difference between 32 squirrels and a Ferrari

 

[masterchief]

i don't have a Ferrari in my garage

 

[lamenamenumbers]

What do you call a boring robot?


A sighborg........

 

[lamenamenumbers]

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

[Lester Moore]

It’s shark week....as to not offend the weak minded they are officially renaming the great white shark....it will now be known as, the average Caucasian shark.

 

[Microbeman]

Uumm, how is this funny?
Searching for the humor........Terrible joke.

Really? Tony would love it.

 

[GET MO]

My uncle died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

 

[rod58]

Watson :..why all the bags of citrus at your front door Sherlock ?

Sherlock :..aaaah , lemon entry dear Watson !

 

[Microbeman]

Donald Trump was having a meeting with Mexico's new president, AMLO.

Trump said we are much craftier at business in the US than you folks in Mexico.

Trump asked, what do your people do with your used plastic bags and bottles? AMLO replied we just throw them out. Well see right there, we are much smarter than you Mexicans because we recycle those, turning them into plastic chairs and tables that we sell to you and make money. AMLO just looked askance.

Trump, feeling high and mighty pushed on. What do you Mexicans do with your egg shells? AMLO again said; We just throw them in the garbage.

Trump boasted, we recycle them and turn them into calcium pills that we sell to you south of the border. As Trump began chewing a juicy fruit, grinning like a puffed up school teacher, AMLO again looked humbled.

Then again Trump asked what do you do with orange peels? AMLO admitted they get tossed and listened while Trump described how the clever Americans turn orange peels into vitamin C pills which they sell to the Mexicans.

AMLO then said let me ask you, what do you Americans do with your used condoms? Trump replied, of course we throw those in the garbage!

AMLO said, not us Mexicans. We are smart. We make money by recycling those condoms and turn them into chewing gum that we sell to you Americans.