The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Snook]

My 3 sons

My 3 sons

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.
When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills..

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in California.[/FONT]

 

[Robrites]

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him....

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him....

One day while he was at work, he dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid", said the man.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is his husband. Is she there?"
The maid replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The man is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $100,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot that whore and the asshole she's with."
The maid puts the phone down. The man hears footsteps and then gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone and asks, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
After a long pause the man asks, "Is this 732-4621?"

 

[aridbud]

Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side!


Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

I farted at work today. They called in the plumbers to check for a leak in the sewage system.

 

[kaochiu]

Superman flying around town. With his superview he discovers Wonder Woman sunbathing in her terrace, stark naked and with her legs wide opened. He decides to use his superspeed and like a bolt he goes down there, have a superquick fuck and flies away unseen. Wonder Woman is surprised
- What was that?!
- Dunno, but my arse is hurting badly...
said Invisible Man.

 

[Capt.Ahab]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Marion, Marion?”

"Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm
sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

“No, … I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

 

[Capt.Ahab]

A guy goes into the pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The man at the register says "That will be $4.99 plus tax please."
The guy looks at him and says "tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves".

 

[Capt.Ahab]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her bush.

He asks her what it is and she embarrassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

 

[kaochiu]

A blind man enters the kitchen. As he palpates his way towards the fridge, he touches a grater for lemons. He softly runs his fingers on it and shouts
Who wrote this shite?!

 

[Natural high]

A Jewish man goes to a Rabbi and asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”

The Rabbi says “I'm not sure. I'll pray for him and ask God for advice. Please come back tomorrow”

The man comes back the next day.

“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God said he has the same problem.”

 

[Pumpkin]

What's the differance between a chickpea and a lentil?

I would not pay $200 to have a lentil on my face!

 

[hoki2test]

 

[HaHaHashish]

a young guy and a girl he had just met were walking along a river bank at night holding hands. Suddenly, he yelled out and pointed at the water "Look, there's a submarine!". She said "I can't see any submarine" When she turned back at him his pants were dropped down around his ankles and he pointed at his erection and said "well, here's the periscope!"


It never ceases to amaze me every time when I come back from vacation and see what always is a phenomenal jump in growth or development of my outdoor plants. If I see them everyday then I don't notice hardly any improvement.but.

 

[LowFalutin]

so, Jesus is getting waterboarded at Guantanamo...
but he keeps changing the water into wine.
hilarity ensued.

 

[Bud Green]

Judy Smith graduated college with a degree in nursing... She always wanted to be an RN.

But all her friends knew how ditzy she was, and knew she's end up inflicting more pain on the patients rather than relieve them of it...

On her first assignment at City Hospital, the doctor she was assigned to, gave her, her first assignment.

He knew her reputation, but it was so simple, he knew she couldn't fuck this one up

15 minutes later, the doctor was shocked to see his patient running down the hall of the hospital,with a look of sheer terror on his face...

Nurse Smith was running right behind the patient with a pan of steaming hot water...

The doctor stopped her and said, "No Miss Smith, I told you to prick his boil"...

 

[vta]

Two rapists walk into a bar....

 

[lamenamenumbers]

a few groaners for your reading displeasure

a few groaners for your reading displeasure

Did you guys hear about the new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines!

Two hats are out hiking in the mountains when one turns to the other and says: "you stay here, I'll go on ahead."

And I just came up with this one while reading useless internet drivel: What is a trolls favourite food? Copy pasta!

 

[Lester Moore]

A female deer runs out of the forest and says, I'll never do that for two bucks again!

 

[HaHaHashish]

Do this next time you are in an elevator with a friend and at least several other people in it, fart loudly then lean over to your friend and say loudly in a whisper "I don't think they heard you this time".

 

[Dr.Young]

Go vegan! Eat tons of chickpeas, black beans, kidney beans, lentils, and become the ass blaster you always wished you could be.
The joke will be on everyone else squeaking out measly farts.

 

[GOT_BUD?]

Do you know the difference between pussy and parsley?



Nobody eats parsley.