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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

R

Robrites

Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."


"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.
“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.
“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
 

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran
[FONT=&quot]Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes [/FONT][FONT=&quot]like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he[/FONT][FONT=&quot] bought them.

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?”
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied,
"Nope.”
Frustrated , Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan
response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.
[/FONT]

 
R

Robrites

I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.
 
R

Robrites

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"
The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Korea." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"
The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Korea either!"
 
R

Robrites

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!



WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
 

Snook

Still Learning
lie detector robot

lie detector robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night and asks his son what he did that afternoon? "I did some schoolwork" he answers.

The robot immediately slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

He says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Robot for sale.
 
R

Robrites

Two wives go out for girls night

Two wives go out for girls night

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
 
New scientific law established

New scientific law established

After thorough peer review and extensive analysis a new scientific law has been established. It has to do with the ration of mayonnaise to cabbage. It is called Coles law...........
 
H

HaHaHashish

Jokes aside...let's get serious here or as I often demand loudly to my phone "Siri, Ass. Here!"

The word "fuck!" has lost it's impact due to over use, now it has the shock value that word "shit!" had in the 60's. "Cu nt" I guess is the new "fuck"..but the big question is what will replace the word "cu nt" when it's impact has diminished?
 
H

HaHaHashish

You too should smoke cob cured buds x two too.

say this rapidly to a stranger in a Daffy the Duck accent.
"One-One was a racehorse, One-Two was one too, One-One won a race and One-Two won one too."..then smile sweetly and confidently walk up and whisper loudly in their ear "Wanna buy a joint that makes you say shit like that, ten bucks each and it's good to fuck up 2 ~ 4 people?"
 
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PetFlora

Well-known member
ICMag Donor
Veteran
I asked a friend how often he smokes. He replied "every time I masturbate". I replied "So, about a pound a week?" He said "More, or less"
 

Jellyfish

Invertebrata Inebriata
Veteran
Whenever I get prescribed medicine, I always ask the doctor, "Should I masturbate more frequently or less frequently on this medication", just to see the look.
 

covert

Member
I heard once that a Haitian elder whose son was given access to the internet to further his education ended up on a jokes thread on a cannabis forum. His daily internet use directed towards this thread was getting close to bankrupting the government. The elder becoming concerned cast a spell on the joke thread through voodoo so that all of its contributors lost their sense of humor if they didn't send just 1 of their most prized seeds for long term storage to me........
 

420somewhere

Hi ho here we go
Veteran
Just found out Viagra treats cancer...

Just found out Viagra treats cancer...

Whenever I get prescribed medicine, I always ask the doctor, "Should I masturbate more frequently or less frequently on this medication", just to see the look.

I’ll run this by my wife :party: she’s gonna love it. :laughing:

Then I’ll ask my Oncologist. :ying:
 

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran
"[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Just found out Viagra treats cancer..."

Perfect!
Because Fuck cancer!

[/FONT]
 

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