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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Snook

Snook

Still Learning
Lifesavers Candy

Lifesavers Candy

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In a 1st grade class, the children began to identify the flavors by the color[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And [/FONT][FONT=&quot]taste of Lifesavers, the candy with a hole in it. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They all identified: [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Red....................Cherry[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Yellow................Lemon[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Green..................Lime[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Orange ..............Orange [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]But then, the teacher gave them HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes![/FONT]
 
LowFalutin

LowFalutin

Stems Analyst
Veteran
women...
the nesting and reproductive process
made verbal

why aren't there any black band-aids?
you'd think a company called Johnson&Johnson...
 
L

lamenamenumbers

Member
Oscar Wilde was sitting with a friend when he claimed, "there is not a subject that I can not make a pun about!"
His friend, thinking he would never besmirch royalty said, "what about the queen?"
To which Oscar replied, "the Queen is not a subject"
 
R

Robrites

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
 
Weezard

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A divorce story.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to moverscome and collect her things
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce Settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.:tiphat:
[/FONT]
 
H

HaHaHashish

A divorce story.

that joke has similarities to an episode of Breaking Bad when Jesse buys his parent's house.
 
trichrider

trichrider

Kiss My Ring
Veteran
[FONT=&quot]A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She screamed, "NO! Bugg off you filthy old bastard!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​
[FONT=&quot]He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Lester Moore

Lester Moore

Well-known member
Veteran
a lady is pregnant and about to give deliver around April fools day. She thought oooh please don't let the birthday be April fools day...but, of course she begins labor on April fools day....she's pushing, the doctors saying breath! The baby comes out, the doctor drops it, it hits the floor, she starts yelling oh my!! The doctor picks it up and starts spanking it and spanking it, saying pull through, pull through, the lady's yelling oh God!!! Help my baby!! The doctor spanks it again then stops...looks at the lady and says, .....April fools!! it was still born.
 
LowFalutin

LowFalutin

Stems Analyst
Veteran
something to try,
next time at the doctor’s office...
when a “funny area” is about to be examined,
ask, “is this testing whether i’m a replicant
or a lesbian, dr. deckard?”.
 
Midnite Toker

Midnite Toker

Active member
Veteran
My cousin has two tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St Joseph Catholic Church in Gretna, LA at 3pm. Her name is Jessica , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one with the white dress.
 
U

Ununionized

A lady friend told me she'd finally become orgasmic. I asked her how. She said she'd started buying pickles and masterbaiting with them. She said they fit perfectly but that her vagina smelled like vinegar and tasted like salt.

I told her she needed to change the way she was using her dill dough.
 
R

Robrites

The Blonde at the Bus Stop

The Blonde at the Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 
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