The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[bigganjabud]

I feel sorry for the hypnotist we went to see last night

He had 27 guys in stage under hypnosis

Then he dropped the MIC by accident and shouted F@#K ME

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

 

[HaHaHashish]

What did the hippie say when the doctor told him he had hemorrhoids?


hmmmmm, bummer.

 

[jimdc]

when 2 people kiss, they create a tube from butthole to butthole.

 

[Spaventa]

A older couple are stopped in their car by the police on their way home from shopping.
The policeman approaches the drivers window and the older gentleman winds down the window. "Ive stopped you because one of your rear lights isn't working." the policeman tells him. "Isn't it?" says the man. Before the Policeman could say anything else the mans wife says "I told you it wasn't working last week when you backed it out of the garage." The policemans eyes narrowed and then slowly moved to look over the car. He looked at the tyres for a while and told the old man to come and see. "These are bald" he says, frowning. "I didn't realise" the old man told him but the wife argued "You've known for ages and you just put off changing them". "WOMAN would you SHUT UP????" cried the old man in frustration. The policeman asked the wife "Does he often shout at you?" "Only when he's been drinking" she replied.

 

[bigganjabud]

Man that's a bad wife

 

[HaHaHashish]

Here's what I say to anyone who just turned 40 (or even 38 or 39)..."What's it feel like to be middle aged?"

The look on their faces ..priceless.

 

[Robrites]

A husband leans over and asks his wife

A husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Robrites]

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.​

 

[HaHaHashish]

not a joke as such, it's just something that came to mind that I felt like posting and this thread is as good as any....this is what I sometime mention to non-growing people I smoke with "smoking cannabis is good but it's much like watching a movie, growing and smoking your own takes it to another level and is like starring in the movie. Making hash from plants you bred and grew is like being the star, script writer, director and producer of the movie"

 

[Only Ornamental]

When I first read

"non-growing people"

I was under the impression that you were using one of the politically correct terms for "midgets"... gives your thought a completely different meaning and turns it into a pun.
Anyway, you're absolutely right!

 

[lamenamenumbers]

When I first read I was under the impression that you were using one of the politically correct terms for "midgets"... gives your thought a completely different meaning and turns it into a pun.
Anyway, you're absolutely right!

I'd add a dwarf joke of my own, but I'm short on material......

 

[Robrites]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a Lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey
“Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check what type of joint Monkey is smoking. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

 

[Bud Green]

Aww man! I gotta admit I laughed, but that joke is really bad!

 

[Robrites]

A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go down stairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass", okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he wants for breakfast, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.".....WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs bawling.
The mom looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I'm not sure," he says, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

[Natural high]

• I made a rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it!

• An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan making land Mines that look like prayer mats!
  Apparently business is booming.. Prophets are going through the roof!

• Jewish wife to husband, "What is my love worth to you?" The husband after a short pause, "So am I buying or selling?

• Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

• I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I assume she was poor - she only had $5.20 in her purse.

• I was driving this morning when I saw an AAA road service van in the adjacent lane. The driver was crying uncontrollably and looked distressed. I thought to myself, that guy's definitely heading for a breakdown.

• Last night I dreamt of a colour that has never been seen before. It turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

• Some scientists want to cool my body down to -273 degrees Celsius. My wife thinks it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0k.

.

 

[bigganjabud]

My mates just come out with this and I've never heard the reference before tbh

Had to share

Me - so what happened the other night with what's Her name?

Mate - ah mate she was lovely but she had a fanny (or lady parts if your from the USA)
Like a bag of smashed crabs!!

 

[HaHaHashish]

"Hi, my name is Gina, Gee-eye-en-ay!"

"Is that short for Vagina, Vee-ay-gee-eye-en-ay?"

 

[lamenamenumbers]

Fun facts for the day

Fun facts for the day

Did you know it's only considered a murder of crows if there is probable caws.....
And if only two crows show up it's an attempted murder.
And if you gave a grammar queen in your life it may help to know the difference between a comma and a cat. A cat has claws at the end of it's paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

 

[armedoldhippy]

Did you know it's only considered a murder of crows if there is probable caws.....
And if only two crows show up it's an attempted murder.
And if you gave a grammar queen in your life it may help to know the difference between a comma and a cat. A cat has claws at the end of it's paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

i am out of rep & unable to even "like" a post right now, but you got it coming, LOL!

 

[Robrites]

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.