Natural high
Member
I haven't been able to read the whole thread so apologies if any of these have already been told.. 
- My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not actually my girlfriend.
- Did you hear about the dwarf who got pick-pocketed? I mean, how could anyone stoop so low!
- My mate races snails and he thought if he removed their shell it would make them go faster. Well it didn't work.. apparently it just made them more sluggish.
- Another mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. He reckons it's not a problem as he can stop at any time..
- Looks like my attractive next-door neighbor doesn't watch porn. She rang and asked if I could come around and fix her leaking sink. Two hours later, and I'm still fixing the sink.
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'm sorry but you have to leave.. we don't serve food here!"
- A man walked into the doctor's office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor looks at the guy and says, "Well for a start, you're not eating properly."
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R
Robrites
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
B
bigganjabud
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed
some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider
giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down
and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back
shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked
her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."
some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider
giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down
and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back
shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked
her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him and him and him."
R
Robrites
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked "No pizza? No burgers?!"
He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything!"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked "No pizza? No burgers?!"
He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything!"
Snook
Still Learning
How old?
How old?
.......... Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old!,
Well... You'll love this one.-------------------------------------------------
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.
"yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"when did you graduate?" i asked.
He answered, "in 1957. Why do you ask?"
"you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass,
Gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me,
............ "what did you teach?" .........
How old?
.......... Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old!,
Well... You'll love this one.-------------------------------------------------
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school.
"yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"when did you graduate?" i asked.
He answered, "in 1957. Why do you ask?"
"you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass,
Gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me,
............ "what did you teach?" .........
R
Robrites
Best of the Year!
Snook
Still Learning
you are and I am.. 
Snook
Still Learning
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps hi s wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could maybe ....?'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning you don't.'
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps hi s wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could maybe ....?'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning you don't.'
Snook
Still Learning
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area."
But forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway own the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
But forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway own the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's
so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's
so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
Snook
Still Learning
The Journey of Man
The Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older now, and am looking for a girl with big tits..
The Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older now, and am looking for a girl with big tits..
R
Robrites
Two Italian men get on a bus, sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Did you hear the Pope has Bird Flu?
He was bitten by a cardinal.
There are 2 men at an mental health facility. One of them is well educated, socially adept, and pretty normal. He just hit a rough patch for a little bit. But he's a well adjusted, and very intelligent man.
The 2nd guy is just flat out crazy, and none too clever.
They are both going for an interview, which they realize is going to be there exit interview. If they pass this interview, they get to go home!
So they bring the men into the room, and they sit the intelligent man down first. They ask:
"What was the name of the first Black American President?"
The man replies, "Barack Obama."
The interviewer says, "Good. Very good. When did you get married?"
The man replies, "June 5, but we moved it to the 6th because it was raining."
The interviewer says, "Yes, I see that here. Tell me, do you think the world is round?"
The man says, "Most people think so. Some don't, but me personally, I'm absolutely certain of it."
And they send him home.
The 2nd man, having heard this entire exchange says, "That's it! I can't believe my luck, this is going to be cake!"
The interviewer asks, "What is your name?"
He replies, "Barack Obama!"
Then he says, "I see, and when were you born?"
He says, "June 5th, but we moved it to the 6th because it was raining."
The interviewer now upset says, "What is this a joke? Do you think I'm stupid?"
The man enthusiastically replies, "Most people think so! Some don't, but me personally, I'm absolutely certain of it!"
He was bitten by a cardinal.
There are 2 men at an mental health facility. One of them is well educated, socially adept, and pretty normal. He just hit a rough patch for a little bit. But he's a well adjusted, and very intelligent man.
The 2nd guy is just flat out crazy, and none too clever.
They are both going for an interview, which they realize is going to be there exit interview. If they pass this interview, they get to go home!
So they bring the men into the room, and they sit the intelligent man down first. They ask:
"What was the name of the first Black American President?"
The man replies, "Barack Obama."
The interviewer says, "Good. Very good. When did you get married?"
The man replies, "June 5, but we moved it to the 6th because it was raining."
The interviewer says, "Yes, I see that here. Tell me, do you think the world is round?"
The man says, "Most people think so. Some don't, but me personally, I'm absolutely certain of it."
And they send him home.
The 2nd man, having heard this entire exchange says, "That's it! I can't believe my luck, this is going to be cake!"
The interviewer asks, "What is your name?"
He replies, "Barack Obama!"
Then he says, "I see, and when were you born?"
He says, "June 5th, but we moved it to the 6th because it was raining."
The interviewer now upset says, "What is this a joke? Do you think I'm stupid?"
The man enthusiastically replies, "Most people think so! Some don't, but me personally, I'm absolutely certain of it!"
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R
Robrites
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
Snook
Still Learning
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're Kidding me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're Kidding me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."
M
metsäkana
Snook
Still Learning
what happened to woody woodpecker, heckle & Jeckel and MiteyMouse?? they had personality.
M
metsäkana
they are in someones collection waiting to be sold
