Snook
Still Learning
Naa.. you tube.. thery're all there..
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ICMag with help from Landrace Warden and The Vault is running a NEW contest in November! You can check it here. Prizes are seeds & forum premium access. Come join in!
lamenamenumbers
Member
hopefully not considered racist or political, but a solid joke
hopefully not considered racist or political, but a solid joke
A competitor was recently shot with a starter pistol at an athletics track.
The police believe the shooting may have been race related.
hopefully not considered racist or political, but a solid joke
A competitor was recently shot with a starter pistol at an athletics track.
The police believe the shooting may have been race related.
Snook
Still Learning
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me - three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?”
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me - three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?”
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
- Oh, what a nice lamp i've just found. I'll rub it and see what happens... Wait! what's with all this smoke?
- Have no fear, for I am a genie and I will grant you a wish
- That's amazing, genie. Can I choose anything I want?
- No, sorry, you have to choose out of two offers. In my left hand I'm holding a thick wad of hundred dollar bills, and in my right hand I have this single use magic stick with the power of making you the Wisest Man in America. Think about it and make your choice
- That's a tough one, genie, let me think... yes... of course... a lifetime chance...yeah! I want to become the Wisest Man in America!
And so, the genie touches his head with the magic stick and the man feels all that wisdom and experience and knowledge enters inside him like if hit by a bolt. With the genie gone, he opens slowly his eyes and mumbles
- Shit, I should have taken the cash...
- Have no fear, for I am a genie and I will grant you a wish
- That's amazing, genie. Can I choose anything I want?
- No, sorry, you have to choose out of two offers. In my left hand I'm holding a thick wad of hundred dollar bills, and in my right hand I have this single use magic stick with the power of making you the Wisest Man in America. Think about it and make your choice
- That's a tough one, genie, let me think... yes... of course... a lifetime chance...yeah! I want to become the Wisest Man in America!
And so, the genie touches his head with the magic stick and the man feels all that wisdom and experience and knowledge enters inside him like if hit by a bolt. With the genie gone, he opens slowly his eyes and mumbles
- Shit, I should have taken the cash...
norm macdonald telling
the moth joke on conan.
stick it thru to the end
[YOUTUBEIF]eE6QzDrT_x8[/YOUTUBEIF]
the moth joke on conan.
stick it thru to the end
[YOUTUBEIF]eE6QzDrT_x8[/YOUTUBEIF]
H
Huckster79
So the wife begins to lament to her dear ol hubby that shes gaining just tons of weight, and shes worried he will be upset with her.
He says "honey im more than fine with this, i dont care hoow big you get"
She thinks wow i picked a sweet man..
He breaks the silence with a follow up thought " babes thats the best news ive ever seen, i am thrilled you are eating so much, i realized i certainly should get a blow job now because you seem to shove everything into your mouth thats in front of you.... open up hungry girl"
He says "honey im more than fine with this, i dont care hoow big you get"
She thinks wow i picked a sweet man..
He breaks the silence with a follow up thought " babes thats the best news ive ever seen, i am thrilled you are eating so much, i realized i certainly should get a blow job now because you seem to shove everything into your mouth thats in front of you.... open up hungry girl"
lamenamenumbers
Member
It turns out orion's belt is just a waist of space. Alright, I'll admit that one wasn't pure gold. It's a three star joke at best.
Snook
Still Learning
Friendship
Friendship
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Friendship
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Leaf Eater
Active member
nice one there bud
"I was in a restaurant and the waiter brought my steak with his thumb on top of it.. I said 'Hey,Why is your thumb on my steak? He said, 'I didn't want to drop it again'"
Had a chick get asked "what breakfast item also means to waver on a decision?"Answer obliviously being Waffle.
Chick said "Frosted Wheaties" loud and proud.I had to blink a few times.
Chick said "Frosted Wheaties" loud and proud.I had to blink a few times.
R
Robrites
What is the name of that restaurant?
What is the name of that restaurant?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
What is the name of that restaurant?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
A Skeleton walks into a Bar and orders a Beer And A Mop.
One day, the loneliness of a 70-year-old widow made her put an ad in the local newspaper that she wanted to marry again. It read:
“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.
She said:
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!”
The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
The old lady, still objecting, said:
“You don’t have any arms either!”
This made the old man smile again: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.
She said:
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!”
The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
The old lady, still objecting, said:
“You don’t have any arms either!”
This made the old man smile again: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
lamenamenumbers
Member
What do you bury a dead feline in ?
A catsket!
A catsket!
Heard that one today on the radio.
Did you know that there are four forms of orgasms?
1. The religious one: Oh god, OH GOD, oohhhh GOOOD!!!
2. The negative one: Oh no, OH NO, oohhh NOOO!!!
3. The positive one: Oh yes, OH YES, oohhh YEESS!!!
4. The fake one: Oh Stoner, OH STONER, oohhh STONER!!!
(Sorry Stoner4Live, I just had to pick one of you guys and your nick is quite fitting the bill... )
Did you know that there are four forms of orgasms?
1. The religious one: Oh god, OH GOD, oohhhh GOOOD!!!
2. The negative one: Oh no, OH NO, oohhh NOOO!!!
3. The positive one: Oh yes, OH YES, oohhh YEESS!!!
4. The fake one: Oh Stoner, OH STONER, oohhh STONER!!!
(Sorry Stoner4Live, I just had to pick one of you guys and your nick is quite fitting the bill...
)A friend told me this one, he said it was a true story. The guy calling was pranking.
A guy calls the Dept of Transportation and tells them they have to move the “Deer Crossing” sign that’s by the road in front of his property.
The Dept of Transportation asks him why.
The guy tells him he’s tired of all the deer crossing his property in the early morning and evening and wants them to move the sign at least a quarter mile down the road.
The Dept of Transportation tells him they don’t think that would work.
A guy calls the Dept of Transportation and tells them they have to move the “Deer Crossing” sign that’s by the road in front of his property.
The Dept of Transportation asks him why.
The guy tells him he’s tired of all the deer crossing his property in the early morning and evening and wants them to move the sign at least a quarter mile down the road.
The Dept of Transportation tells him they don’t think that would work.
