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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

al70

al70

Well-known member
paddy english, paddy irish n paddy scot got deserted on a dessert island and captured by the local tribe, brought before the chief paddy english was asked death or humblabumbla, paddy says humblabumbla so the chiefs eldest took him away and shagged him till he passed out, paddy scot chose the same, paddy irish was asked and he said i choose death, the chief replied death by humblabumbla :biggrin:.
 
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al70

al70

Well-known member
Snook said:
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?'

She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps hi s wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could maybe ....?'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning you don't.'
Click to expand...
i like this one :biggrin:
 
Only Ornamental

Only Ornamental

Spiritually inspired agnostic mad scientist
Veteran
A guy stumbling home from a long evening at the bar got assaulted in a dark alley by some Russian.
That dude made a quite clear sign for what he wanted and it certainly wasn't cash.
With a kinky smile on his face he asked the drunk something which sounded like "You want with vaseline or not? Da?"
"Ah well" he thought, it'll hurt may be less with some lube, nodded fearfully, and with a lump in his throat moaned a "Yes, please, use some vasiline".
Thereupon, the Russian cried out "Good! Come here, Vasili, davai, davai!"
 
Weezard

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran
[FONT=&quot]The $50 Lesson [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Recently, while I was working on the flower beds in my front yard, my
neighbors stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their
dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she
wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people.

Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said.

"But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that."

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore. [/FONT]
 
Weezard

Weezard

Hawaiian Inebriatti
Veteran


"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats." ~ Jean Kerr

 
R

Robrites

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
 
R

Robrites

My wife was worried about the size of her breasts.

My wife was worried about the size of her breasts.

She wanted to spend $1000 for bigger boobs.
I said, save the money and and just rub a bit of toilet paper between them each day, they'll be bigger in no time.
She says does that really work?
I said well it seems to be working on your arse.
 
R

Robrites

Man says to his wife that he is going golfing.

Man says to his wife that he is going golfing.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day.. I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Yes..?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me.
The couple follow the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that case for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in every country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well, I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all that money and houses. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from."
The Master is thrilled and whisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to why you guys still believe in genies.....
 
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