The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[MicroRoy]

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who informs them that everyone entering heaven must past an intelligence test. But since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy.

St. Pete turns to the first nun and asks, "Name three of Jesus' disciples."
"Oh that's easy," the first nun replies, "Matthew, John, and James."
The bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open and the first nun enters.

St. Pete turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was Moses?"
The nun confidently replies, "Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open a second time and the second nun enters.

Finally, St. Pete addresses the third nun. "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a long moment and mutters, "Gosh, that's a hard one."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open...

 

[Robrites]

I was drinking at the local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.

 

[Bud Green]

"How I found out that honesty isn't always the best policy"


"No darling, those jeans don't make your butt look big."

"Your butt does a perfectly fine job of that all by itself."

 

[Microbeman]

You may have heard this.

An old hippy had spent most of his savings for a trip to Mexico. He was seated on the plane and saw a famous university scientist, Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson whom he'd seen on TV come aboard.

Dr. Tyson sure enough sat down beside him. Once in the air they made some small talk and introductions. The hippy commented on his admiration for Tyson's knowledge.

Tyson said "How about we play a game? For every question which you cannot answer you give me $50 bucks and for every question I cannot answer I'll give you $500.

The hippy thought, he did not stand a chance but the odds were great and heck; this was Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Tyson went first. "How far is the sun from the earth?" The old hippy thought and thought but finally reached into his pocket for the $50.

It was the hippy's turn. "What goes up the mountain with 3 legs but comes back down the mountain with 4 legs?"

Tyson thought and thought but finally forked over $500. He said "Before I ask the next question can you tell me what does go up the mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4?"

The old hippy reached into his pocket for $50 bucks.

 

[Snook]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'


If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours.

 

[WelderDan]

My ex-father-in-law was a straight-off the-boat Italian. He used to love telling me Redneck jokes since I'm from Alabama. One day he tells me a pretty good one, so I counter with a Italian joke:

What sound does an Italian Helicopter make when it crashes? Dago guinea guinea guinea WOP!

He looked REALLY pissed for a second, then busted out laughing and handed me a beer.

 

[WelderDan]

I used to tell a lot of ethnic jokes, but sometimes someone would tell me they were Polish, and was offended by my Polish joke, or they were Italian and was offended by my Italian joke.

So instead I started using Moron instead of Polish or Italian.

NOBODY has ever told me they were a moron and was offended by my joke.

 

[Bud Green]

I guess everyone has heard this one by now:


There was a moron who was a swimming champion, so he decided to set a new record by swimming across the Atlantic Ocean.

By the time he was halfway across, he realized he was really exhausted, so he gave up and swam back.

 

[armedoldhippy]

we have too many morons around here, so we tell Slobbovian jokes...
sorry, no punchline.

 

[i grow]

What does a moped and a fat girl have in common?

There both fun to ride but you wouldn't want your friends to catch you on either one.

 

[Weezard]

That money talks, I'll not deny.
I heard it once. It said goodbye.

 

[i grow]

Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

So they can cruise and pick tomatoes at the same time.

 

[Weezard]

I'm terribly sorry if I hurt your feelings when I said you were stupid.
I honestly thought that you already knew.

 

[MicroRoy]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that… that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, clutching their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

 

[GET MO]

2 hoes headed to disneyland, sign said "disneyland, left", so they turned around and went home sad.

 

[Midnite Toker]

You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place haven't you? They put up a big old sign, "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS."

 

[GET MO]

Man, this world is getting crazy. So I was in church yesterday, and this guy actually had the nerve to light up a cigarette! In church! I mean I was in shock, didnt know what to do, shit was so crazy it made me spill my beer.

 

[GET MO]

You know what happens when you fart in a church?
You have to sit in your own pew.

 

[Robrites]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

[bigganjabud]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".