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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Snook

Snook

Still Learning
I'm on a roll;-)

I'm on a roll;-)

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner after a round of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open-mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?






"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
MicroRoy

MicroRoy

Active member
picture.php
 
MicroRoy

MicroRoy

Active member
Why some younger people might not trust everything I say.... (conversation with my 19 yr old female neighbor a few minutes ago:)

Neighbor: last night ____ and i heard a noise and it came from the creek and he said it was a frog but i've never heard that noise before, so i was trying to look up what different frogs sound like lol

Me: If'n you hear the one that goes "bud~weis~er", that's the common redneck frog....

Neighbor: i'm not completely positive, but i think you're pulling my leg!

I'm dying over here from laughter.....
 
B

Betterhaff

Well-known member
Veteran
A friend’s wife asked me if I ever identified or named the birds I saw, she said she was naming sparrows.

I said that’s great and told her I had a bird identification field guide she could borrow.

She said thanks but that’s OK, she said she was just using common names like Sam, Bill, Teddy, etc.

True story.
 
R

Robrites

I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...

I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
L

lamenamenumbers

Member
for the mechanics out there

for the mechanics out there

What do a lesbian and a mechanic have in common?

Snap on tools!

How can you tell a mechanic had sex?

two of his fingers are clean!

I can feel the hook coming from the side of the stage so I'll stop there.
 
R

RightOnTarget

Member
I saw this on reddit.

I saw this on reddit.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
 
MicroRoy

MicroRoy

Active member
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
.
.
.
The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
 
MicroRoy

MicroRoy

Active member
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there
 
Microbeman

Microbeman

The Logical Gardener
ICMag Donor
Veteran
President Trump was finally holding audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. He was in awe over the amount of respect everyone treated her with compared to how things had been going for him.

He couldn't resist and said "I notice how respectful everyone is towards you, including the media and how smoothly your programs run. Can you share what your secret is?"

The Queen replied; "Sure, you just surround yourself with the most intelligent people"
Trump replied; "Yes, so I've heard but how can you tell if they are intelligent?" She replied "You just give them a little test, like a riddle or something....here I'll show you"

The Queen pushed her intercom and requested that Theresa May be summoned. In a few minutes the British Prime Minister entered asking what she could do for her majesty. The Queen said "Answer this riddle for me. Your mother and father have a baby but it is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Theresa May replies; "That's easy. It has to be me." "Right you are" says the Queen.

Trump, anxious to try this out upon his return to the white house, called in Mike Pence and said "Answer this riddle Mike; Your mother and father have a child but it is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Pence looked confused but coolly stated, "I'll have to get back to you on that." He queried all his advisors who were equally stumped. Feeling defeated and desperate, he ran into Dana Bash, CNN reporter who he knew is really smart and ran the riddle past her. She replied, "That's easy. It has to be me."

She seemed so sure. That must be the answer. Feeling exalted Pence entered the oval office stating that he had the answer to the riddle. "It's Dana Bash" With a superior look Trump said, "Boy are you stupid! It's Theresa May you dumass."
 
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