The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Bud Green]

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection.
That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi letter agencies ---FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their
black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their
backs:

"F.A.T.A.S.S."

I feel safer already.

 

[noyd666]

lol good one BUD, I always thought PO-LICE was about right.

 

[Bud Green]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls.”
“But Mum that’s sick, it’s incest.”
“No… no… dear, it’s Ok, because he's not really your father."

 

[LEF]

Good one man.

 

[mr.brunch]

Ha sweet

 

[Bud Green]

An intelligent young man from India graduated from the University and immediately moved overseas to New York City for a job in the Embassy...
It was his dream since he was a child...

He loved New York City! He especially loved the museums and the culture the city had to offer...
He just couldn't quite get used to how rude and crude some of the New Yorkers could be...

One day he decided to visit the Guggenheim Museum. He knew which subway line to take there, but once he got up to the street, he wasn't sure which way to go...

He approached a stranger on the street and asked,
"Pardon me, could you please direct me to the Guggenheim Museum, or should I just go fuck myself"?

 

[Weezard]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a

big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in
North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured
he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the
sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you
today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average
sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change,
and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment
here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here
in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in
North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore,
son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his
shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his
first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much
was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says
"$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?! What the heck
did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish
hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new
hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him
a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's
shot, you should go fishing."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Bud just downloaded 101 almost dirty jokes. Good ones Bud except that one which was a nice try. If you don't agree go fuck yourself.

 

[mr.brunch]

It's always flattering to be told you have a nice arse.

Unless it's during a prostate examination.

 

[armedoldhippy]

kid goes up to his dad & asks "what is the difference between fantasy & reality?" dad tells him "i'll show you. honey" he asks his wife, "would you sleep with a total stranger for 5 million dollars?" "sure" she says "I could pay off our house, put the kids through college, & pay for our retirement." "Suzy!" he yells for his teenage daughter "would you sleep with a stranger for 5 million dollars?" "I sure would, dad. I could buy that Porsche I want, a home in Whistler BC & travel the world." dad looks at Junior & tells him " see the difference? the fantasy is what they would do with all of that money, the reality is that me & you are living with a couple of whores..."

 

[tropicannayeah]

It's always flattering to be told you have a nice arse.

Unless it's during a prostate examination./I]

that's not the only unless...how about when you hear it while picking up the soap in the prison showers?

 

[mr.brunch]

Be afraid....

 

[mr.brunch]

North Korea is back online after internet outage. Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password

 

[Only Ornamental]

And I thought they're still on 56 kbit/s modem and copper wire...

 

[Lester Beans]

North Korea is back online after internet outage. Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password

Aaahahahahahaa now that's a good one!!

 

[mr.brunch]

I've just brought a DVD of the new Sony film, 'The Interview: The Dictators Cut'.

It was an empty box.

 

[mr.brunch]

Please Santa whatever you do, DO NOT drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!

 

[trichrider]

-

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.



The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned back to the Black Lab and asked " So why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."



" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow

Lab enquired.



" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?



"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."



The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

 

[mr.brunch]

The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars.

Fuck that, the area's full of burglars.

 

[trichrider]

Subject: Only a blonde . . .



Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!




A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."



Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"



"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...


'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"