House caught fire

[Bobby Boucher]

I've taken at least a dozen lost souls into this house, but I've had to kick most of them out into the cold and the rain when their problems superseded the necessity to be palatable.

Its very stressful and discouraging listening to people go on and on about their problems in any kind of negative light.

I'll hang out with the most fucked up down and out people in the world so long as they keep the conversation civil. Nobody wants to hear about you killing your father or the police or this rambo ego or none of that. My heart is racing a little bit just thinking about it.

Having problems is normal, but allowing them absorb you and the people around you is just a recipe for disaster. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. I'd try refraining from any conversation regarding your dad, all together. You gotta pay people triple digits by the hour to hear all that.

People gotta be able to rely on you to handle your emotions independently of them, especially if you expect to rely on them for food and board and what-not. Be the best friend you can be and people will really make sure you are taken care of in the long run.

 

[shithawk420]

I agree.but at at the same time I don't want people 2 inches from my face saying they are gonna kill me and my mom when I am doing my best to keep my mouth shut.if I can figure out how I'll show you guys the videos I just took.i think you guys would be like fuck,let's get this asshole.im like 2 seconds away.you don't get it.im at the most literal stalemate.if I call the cops for him hitting me I go to jail.hes knows this.im on probation.you pretty much go to jail and hope the assailant goes with you.and I know this county too well.im not playing this abusive game anymore.ill show it to a judge if I have to.ill show it to you guys if I can figure it out.i know I win baste on abuse history councilors.fuck this.how would you like it if a phsyco guy says hit me so I can kill you says that to your face everyday for 1 hour when all I asked is if we were gonna start cleaning the horse arena to put the ashes of our dead friend that we were asked to do? Yeah,I'm not lying or feeling happy right now.i still love you guys.fuck I wish I was kidding but it's true.our friend wants to be buried in her horse arena and we were supposed to clean it.

 

[shithawk420]

I wish he just wanted to beat my ass.fine.but he wants that AND to put me in prison so he can take whatever nice things I got and give them to his girlfriend.that shit don't fly with most people I know.

 

[shithawk420]

Your right Bobby.this isn't the place for my woes.but where do people share their woes? No where? Cause nobody wants to hear it? That mentality right there is whT causes good people to turn phsyco.fine.i won't post here anymore.i sincerely appreciate all the great advice I've been givin.i won't post anymore

 

[CosmicGiggle]

nah, just step back and take a little break, go for a walk, bad moods come and they go, this too shall pass, eventually!

 

[Ringodoggie]

Get the fuck out of that environment, dude. Nothing is going to change if you stay where you are.


Like the ghost said in that scary house movie...... GET OUT.

 

[shithawk420]

And go where? Walk 50 miles in cold freezing rain to the next town? I'm not that tough.im sorry guys but I'm just gonna have to show you pictures.i doubt anyone could ID me anyway

 

[Bobby Boucher]

It sounds like you are staying there? If you don't have anywhere else to be, you need to sharpen up and stop engaging him altogether unless you have some real humble and appreciative shit to say. Crazy or not people still deserve respect, and the crazier they are they more respectful and observant you have to be.

It takes an amazing amount of self-knowing and discipline to co-exist with destructive people. You are either gonna have to dig real deep to find those qualities, or simply remove yourself from the situation altogether.

If you antagonize him, at all, what-so-ever, you can at least luxuriate in knowing for certain that you are simply a willing participant, and you can stop wasting any more time feeling like a victim.

 

[shithawk420]

It's kinda hard when people do this to you and still a t appreciate.and most times I do

 

[moose eater]

I don't think anyone told you to stop sharing your troubles here, 'hawk. It was the grandiose fantasizing about violence, etc., that makes it difficult for some to be empathetic. Even though it's obvious those more coarse statements are masking what is really there, which seems to be feeling trapped, unloved, hurt, angry, and more.

Lots of good input above from others..

Make yourself warm if you can, avoid contact with your father, do as much as you can to prep your own place and needs, and try to find some way to move ahead, there or elsewhere.

Hard for me to believe there's nothing nearby for 50 miles. You in Alaska, Wyoming, or Montana?? ;^>) In those places, I could believe it.

If you go to a shelter in town (hopefully a smaller town or city), you'd lose some autonomy in your living environment, but you might gain access to some form of employment, central heating, showers, and regular grub, even if they require you to pray in order to eat. You'd have to share an environment with others, not all of whom might be who you want to be around for what ever reasons, but you might find some other resources there, too.

"Freedom's just another word for 'nuthin' left to lose."

And yeah, in case something does hit the fan, having recordings of the volatile interaction in the past might help you in a court or law enforcement encounter-type setting. But the preferable aim would be to not have the interactions at all.

Your posts in the past reveal that even when you were imbibing heavily with the booze, you possess culinary skills, vocabulary, impressive knowledge of a wide variety of subjects, etc. Those are your positive attributes, among others.

The proverbial food blender full of a mosaic of hurt, anger, resentment, and more, spewed with lots of vinegar, get in your way of sharing the better parts of you.

 

[shithawk420]

That was a sucker punch of many.my temporal lobe is broken.its hard to do many things like think.i usually where an eyepatch when I'm not out in public.luckily it doesn't look bad,buts that's me.it hurts.the pressure kills me but that's actually me a year ago

 

[shithawk420]

I understand that I'm bitching.and I'll stop.i heard it all.i just wish someone would show compassion when your own father does this cause he's drunk.thats really me.it was the girls first stitch job.i got really lucky she did a good job.sorry guys but I'm just really mad.i cant smoke or drink

 

[shithawk420]

Everything you say is true moose.and you other guys as well.its actually 36 miles but still.my PTSD flared up at the thought of him breaking my other eye socket and I snapped.he literally dared me to fight him and kill him but I stood down even though it was close.but yeah I'm stranded in corn country.ill post pics just for the hell of it.but after that blow I can't function normal.my eye socket is broken ya know?that's an actual pic of the S Hawk.i never showed anyone else that pic.i got really lucky but people think I'm wierd cause I wear an eyepatch.like I'm a crazy pirate or something

 

[CosmicGiggle]

if it's that bad you should be able to qualify for Social Services eventually, but yes, you do need to get out, your house burning down may be a blessing in disguise if it starts the ball rolling.

How much longer do you have on probation?

 

[Bobby Boucher]

You gotta show yourself compassion. Remember the outstretched hand in traffic?

It’s a fuckin trip and a half to realize we already have all the things we actually want. Change what you want. Don’t want for the compassion of others. Want for .. results. Want for correct methodology, an unhindered sequence..

When you look for good things, you find em..

 

[moose eater]

1. Tend your wounds as best as you can.

2. If there's a talented and giving auntie or grandmother type in your community, see if you can sweet-talk her into a decorative eye-patch. Paisleys or something. Maybe a tie-dye pattern. Folks will be so caught up looking at the beauty of it, they'll not notice the graphic nature of your injuries.

3. Everything else others have said in the previous page.

4. Yes 'hawk, it isn't an absence of compassion for your situation. It's the sheer futility you describe, and the references to pay-back that will likely back-fire, that likely contributes to folks dealing with the outpouring of hostility, but I get the sense that if people really didn't give a shit, they'd have stopped replying to you in honest terms, and just march on past your thread.

I hitch-hiked down the Alcan spring of 1978 with 2 other guys, and 2 dogs, as well, plus huge amounts of gear, leaving the hippie school we'd lived at in Carcross Yukon Territory, Canada. One of us, Smitty, had eczema, and a woman now dead years ago, who had believed in me, and had come to our communal school after her son had died in a motorcycle wreck, had sort of adopted us, (some more than others). She was a loving Auntie to me for a time. She sought to surround herself with youth, and be a helpful presence, after suffering so much loss.

Anyway, there was Smitty, in his wool sport coat, with his classic t-shirt underneath, and this splotchy shaved head. 'Auntie Cess' (Cecily) made an old-school beanie hat for Smitty, made with a series of pie-wedge shaped pieces of felt, all different vibrant colors, and I think she may have even attached a propeller to the top of the thing.

That came to mind thinking of your eye patch. Cess was one of the aged, open minded, loving persons who came to be my surrogate family. When she died, she left me a couple candles, one of which was a beautiful colorful carving of an old man as part of an oak tree, his flesh and the tree's flesh as one..

That kind of love and support, from places you'd maybe least expect it, is out there, 'hawk. Just gotta' find it. But when/if you find it, if you're talking violence, they may stroll right on past you, not realizing what it is you have to offer, as you've covered it with these masks..

 

[shithawk420]

I probably won't get SSi cause of my drinking history but who knows.i got 30 months of felony probation left cause I was trying to protect myself from another eye socket break.yeah, public defenders do suck that bad.

And I agree agree Bobby.i didn't mean to be rude to you.i know what I want.i want to be with the girl who is exactly like me that defies the odds of ever finding her.i actually did.she ended up in prison.i didn't.i got lucky I didn't.she won't write me.im thinking of writing again but maybe I shouldn't.im really sorry guys.i guess cause nobody will talk to me I got to used to you guys being nice enough to talk that I got a little spoiled maybe? I'll go with that for now.how many beers I owe you guys now? 2450? Lol I'm sorry

 

[moose eater]

No beer. Bit coins, maybe?? ;^>)

 

[CosmicGiggle]

30 months is a long time but start the process now as it takes a long time to get the ssi and if you're not drinking now and are disabled you may eventually qualify, gotta keep trying.

Check with your probation officer or a local pastor about making contact with a social worker at least for advice about your situation.

Churches are a good place to start also.

 

[Ringodoggie]

Hey Shit... if you are on probation you can go to your probation officer and tell him/her that you are in an unsafe environment and they will place you in safe housing.

Surely you can get to your probation officer? You need to report once a month, yes?






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