I'mback
Comfortably numb!
That right there tells me your in serious need of revisiting your position and an intervention. Here's that swift kick in the nuts you have been begging for. Now get on with it!
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House caught fire
- Thread starter shithawk420
- Start date
M
moose eater
Re-read what Bobby and others have said here, Hawk. you've been in similar mind-set before, many times.
Your putting yourself down tells me that you've bought into what ever the negative messages are that came your way. More difficult to move forward when you're anchored to the past so much.
If others are going to put you down, that's on them, and the only control you have is to not be around them. You putting yourself down is a whole different matter.
Unless you change something toward the positive, what ever it is you can muster, then you're agreeing to stay in the quagmire that you dislike so much.
You're not dumb at all. You've shown that time and time again. But you definitely have your self-defeating side. There's enough folks in this life to give you grief, that joining in with them, kicking yourself when you're down, isn't helpful from what I can see.
Nor is milking the cow for attention if you're not going to run with the fixes at your disposal. You can make yourself move toward something better if you dare to. Admittedly real change is hard to settle into. The old ways, however destructive, have an air of familiarity that's hard not to relax back into.
In clinical work years ago we used to say (and I believe) "change will occur when the pain of not changing, outweighs the pain of changing."
Every person in my family of origin died by their own hands (though not all were deemed suicide in technical reporting), I watched my father literally mop the floor with my mother's head when I was maybe 5 y.o., they all drank too much, my mother ate pills my father had left when he died (he had been an Ortho drug salesman, back in the day), and I saw some violence that makes many persons cringe to even imagine.
Pain and family dysfunction sucks.
Do you want to change the channel or not? Improve your existence or not? If so, that self-defeating part of your inner communication needs to get caught in the act, and told to turn the volume down a touch.
Numerous persons herein have given you a shoulder and an ear, free of charge, because they see a person in need. What you do with all of that is up to you.
Your putting yourself down tells me that you've bought into what ever the negative messages are that came your way. More difficult to move forward when you're anchored to the past so much.
If others are going to put you down, that's on them, and the only control you have is to not be around them. You putting yourself down is a whole different matter.
Unless you change something toward the positive, what ever it is you can muster, then you're agreeing to stay in the quagmire that you dislike so much.
You're not dumb at all. You've shown that time and time again. But you definitely have your self-defeating side. There's enough folks in this life to give you grief, that joining in with them, kicking yourself when you're down, isn't helpful from what I can see.
Nor is milking the cow for attention if you're not going to run with the fixes at your disposal. You can make yourself move toward something better if you dare to. Admittedly real change is hard to settle into. The old ways, however destructive, have an air of familiarity that's hard not to relax back into.
In clinical work years ago we used to say (and I believe) "change will occur when the pain of not changing, outweighs the pain of changing."
Every person in my family of origin died by their own hands (though not all were deemed suicide in technical reporting), I watched my father literally mop the floor with my mother's head when I was maybe 5 y.o., they all drank too much, my mother ate pills my father had left when he died (he had been an Ortho drug salesman, back in the day), and I saw some violence that makes many persons cringe to even imagine.
Pain and family dysfunction sucks.
Do you want to change the channel or not? Improve your existence or not? If so, that self-defeating part of your inner communication needs to get caught in the act, and told to turn the volume down a touch.
Numerous persons herein have given you a shoulder and an ear, free of charge, because they see a person in need. What you do with all of that is up to you.
rod58
Active member
exactly ! what moose said .. you will never change the people around you hawk so move on .. you yourself have said that you have nothing, so move on .. no more excuses that you have no money to do anything because there are people and or organizations out there who have the capacity to help you . make the break , move , leave all the toxicity behind you and make a fresh start .
your future is in your hands hawk , make the break !
your future is in your hands hawk , make the break !
From the bottom of my heart I thank you guys.got a couple tears going.i didn't know it was that bad Moose.a family member or 2 killed themselves.ive had suicidal thoughts since I was a little kid.i would never do it but it would be easier for my family if I was dead.my parents can't take care of me anymore.im trying to get disability.ill know if I'll get it in a Few months.my house isn't getting done.im basically homeless.we don't have any money.fuck I wish we had insurance.
If you don't mind me asking Moose, how did you over come all that? I've got really bad PTSD and bipolar.ive got no way of getting my meds.they have buses but I don't even know if they will come out here in the country.
If you don't mind me asking Moose, how did you over come all that? I've got really bad PTSD and bipolar.ive got no way of getting my meds.they have buses but I don't even know if they will come out here in the country.
Quite a few times in the past I have found myself in no-mans-land - in a toxic environment - in a foreign land even - then its time to pack the back-pack and move on to hopefully greener pastures - I did that when I lived in the USA in my late teens/early 20's - found the nearest freeway and stuck a thumb out - or hopped a rail freight car and rode the links - not even knowing where it might take me - just anywhere away from the toxicity of the environment I was leaving - Just to get away was a huge relief in itself - and then my lust for adventure was always rewarded with whatever came my way -
I met some great people in my travels that I would have never met sitting miserably at home - and they helped and entertained me often - gave me hope and chances - broadened my horizons - which gave me the confidence I still have to this day -
You are the only person that can make a change in your own life - no one else is gonna do it for you hawk -
I met some great people in my travels that I would have never met sitting miserably at home - and they helped and entertained me often - gave me hope and chances - broadened my horizons - which gave me the confidence I still have to this day -
You are the only person that can make a change in your own life - no one else is gonna do it for you hawk -
M
moose eater
I left at age 13 the first time, Hawk. The magic of the thumb in 1972, and LSD, with what felt back then like a unified set of goals in our counter-culture, and nearly every hippie on every on-ramp treating me like their little brother, and the seniors who gave me rides and fed me seeing me as benign enough for my early age. Surrogate family abounded, to the left and the right. For better or for worse.
I thought I was separate from my family history. I decried the genetic model at every turn, as it was my enemy; I feared that I might be like them (and parts of me were), to the point that even in college, anything that linked me to what they had been and what I had seen, was a threat to my independence.
But the more I focused on not being like them, the more I was actually focused on them, albeit from a reverse angle of view, if that makes any sense.
By the time my younger brother died (under questionable circumstances), the news brought a literal image of boiler gauges in my mind, and I watched as they went to zero, slowly, the way such gauges fall when they simultaneously lose pressure. I didn't cry for years after that. That was 1994. On my deceased mother's birthday.
In 2001, in a casual phone call to an old hippie buddy in NW Pennsylvania, he stopped in the middle of the conversation, and asked, "Hey, you know your sister's dead, right?" No, I didn't. She'd been discovered by a middle-school class mate of mine from the early 70s, and I called him to get particulars.
My fears of loss, from early childhood on, caused me to be the worst tar-baby in primary relationships you've ever seen. Tell me you're leaving me (if you mattered to me) and I turned into a near-psychotic puddle of goo on the floor; unable to function. PTSD, reactive attachment disorder from way back, and on and on..
You don't -ever- get past that shit, 'hawk. You learn to live with it.. You accept it instead of fighting it. You slowly try to learn to face yourself in the mirror, accept the bullshit you've engaged in, apologize to yourself and others, and move forward, working to try not to re-do what you know to be the wrong paths.
You remind yourself that no matter how bad it was, you survived, and you're the one now responsible for moving forward.
Making ourselves better persons, for some of us, will be a life-long objective, and maybe we never make it to Nirvana. Maybe we only get a little closer.
Undoing at least some of the shame will help to free the older anchors. Then comes knowing that others may always see us as we were, stuck in what ever mire, back in the day, and we need to learn to take that with a grain of salt, or leave it altogether, and try and practice grace with others, as well as ourselves. I'm still 'iffy' on that.
Though my born-again days are way behind me, from my time (briefly) in a Jesus Commune in Pennsylvania in 1972, my favorite quote from the KJ Bible is, "There is not one good. Nay, not one." It means a lot of different things for me now, as I can still be judgmental like nobody's business.
But if we don't free ourselves and others up to become better persons, then we're all stuck.
I was in my mid-30s before I could answer affirmatively as to whether or not I loved my father (he killed himself when I was 8, and left when I was 6). Hating where we come from, with no forgiveness, and vinegar in our hearts, has the potential to come back around to hating ourselves; we stand to turn more acidic in our hearts than we already are..
I come from fucked up persons who were very complex; they loved, hated, committed heinous acts against persons they claimed to love, and I have sinned, too. If all I cling to is that shame, then I'm eternally fucked.
That's as much honesty as I'll share here.
I thought I was separate from my family history. I decried the genetic model at every turn, as it was my enemy; I feared that I might be like them (and parts of me were), to the point that even in college, anything that linked me to what they had been and what I had seen, was a threat to my independence.
But the more I focused on not being like them, the more I was actually focused on them, albeit from a reverse angle of view, if that makes any sense.
By the time my younger brother died (under questionable circumstances), the news brought a literal image of boiler gauges in my mind, and I watched as they went to zero, slowly, the way such gauges fall when they simultaneously lose pressure. I didn't cry for years after that. That was 1994. On my deceased mother's birthday.
In 2001, in a casual phone call to an old hippie buddy in NW Pennsylvania, he stopped in the middle of the conversation, and asked, "Hey, you know your sister's dead, right?" No, I didn't. She'd been discovered by a middle-school class mate of mine from the early 70s, and I called him to get particulars.
My fears of loss, from early childhood on, caused me to be the worst tar-baby in primary relationships you've ever seen. Tell me you're leaving me (if you mattered to me) and I turned into a near-psychotic puddle of goo on the floor; unable to function. PTSD, reactive attachment disorder from way back, and on and on..
You don't -ever- get past that shit, 'hawk. You learn to live with it.. You accept it instead of fighting it. You slowly try to learn to face yourself in the mirror, accept the bullshit you've engaged in, apologize to yourself and others, and move forward, working to try not to re-do what you know to be the wrong paths.
You remind yourself that no matter how bad it was, you survived, and you're the one now responsible for moving forward.
Making ourselves better persons, for some of us, will be a life-long objective, and maybe we never make it to Nirvana. Maybe we only get a little closer.
Undoing at least some of the shame will help to free the older anchors. Then comes knowing that others may always see us as we were, stuck in what ever mire, back in the day, and we need to learn to take that with a grain of salt, or leave it altogether, and try and practice grace with others, as well as ourselves. I'm still 'iffy' on that.
Though my born-again days are way behind me, from my time (briefly) in a Jesus Commune in Pennsylvania in 1972, my favorite quote from the KJ Bible is, "There is not one good. Nay, not one." It means a lot of different things for me now, as I can still be judgmental like nobody's business.
But if we don't free ourselves and others up to become better persons, then we're all stuck.
I was in my mid-30s before I could answer affirmatively as to whether or not I loved my father (he killed himself when I was 8, and left when I was 6). Hating where we come from, with no forgiveness, and vinegar in our hearts, has the potential to come back around to hating ourselves; we stand to turn more acidic in our hearts than we already are..
I come from fucked up persons who were very complex; they loved, hated, committed heinous acts against persons they claimed to love, and I have sinned, too. If all I cling to is that shame, then I'm eternally fucked.
That's as much honesty as I'll share here.
Thank you for sharing that moose.i know that must have been hard to relive that.at first this thread was about my house but now I think this thread became much more.you guys are like the family I never had.when I was born I had a good chance at life but booze and violence destroyed my family.i love my mother but my father is a different story.hes holding this damn house over our heads.its gonna snow and he's talking about taking the tarps off.asshole.i think you and I are alot alike moose.i saw what my dad did to my mother growing up.its all toxic.he says he still loves her but I don't think he's capable of love.for most of my life I didn't think I was either because I don't love myself.but I've got to change.i just have too
M
moose eater
You're welcome 'hawk. But it wasn't all that hard to reiterate.. The freedom that forgiveness and acceptance can bring over time. They're all parts of a powerful history is all, from sometimes-good people who did some very questionable things. Sometimes some terrible things. But I kept myself intertwined with them as long as I didn't forgive them enough to move forward. They chose their paths, and I forgave them for that too. Most importantly.
You can't hate your father into being a more decent person. The person you'll tax the most is you, if hate is the tool you use.
You can't hate your father into being a more decent person. The person you'll tax the most is you, if hate is the tool you use.
Hate has consumed me my entire life.i told myself at a young age if I can't love I'll hate the world.it consumed my very being.now that I'm getting older and everyone is dying I realize what an asshole I am.if I don't change now my life is gonna be really rough.hell my buddy lives in a cemetery for fucks sake.he won't live long. He's so drunk all the time he's talking to ghosts.it was probably just a crackhead lol
M
moose eater
"I've been an asshole. I don't have to be an asshole tomorrow."
M
moose eater
I thought about this some more, 'hawk. Probably a good thing to do, I'll add. Thanks for that opportunity.
Part of the rest of the answer is that I found mentors in both odd and conventional places, who sometimes believed in me more than I believed in me, as they seemed to realize I lacked that part..
I had the benefit of youth, and a lot more time ahead of me back then.
That kind of (hopefully balanced) belief in self is something I still struggle with at times.
Just 'cause someone tells you you're a piece of shit doesn't mean you need to work toward proving them right. And it doesn't mean they're right, even if they're a parent.
Somehow Hawk - you gotta find some love out there - obviously its not where you are at - 'SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND!' -
Hey Shithawk... I love ya (er, ah uhm, I mean in a non-gay way.).
Most of us have been up and down in life. Some higher up or lower down than others (try spending 18 months in a POW camp) but in the end, the ones who have had the most fucked up life are the best, smartest and most resourceful of the group. As often happens, people with fucked up early lives seem to use that learned knowledge to make the secopnd half of their life way way better than it would have been without the knowledge they obtained in their really shitty early life (does that make sense?) LOL
Example... if you ever have kids you will probably be an awesome Father. Why? Well, because you know the difference between a shitty and a good Father. The knowledge you gained getting your ass beat by your old man will make you a better Father to your son. It's not always that way but.... often.
You have everything it takes to fly right through this situation..... youth. And, in the end, when youth is gone and all you have left is the knowledge and experience, you'll be a better person with a better life because of it.
I agree with moose (I think it was Moose) on getting the fuck out of the environment. You're going to leave sooner or later. Why not now?
.
Most of us have been up and down in life. Some higher up or lower down than others (try spending 18 months in a POW camp) but in the end, the ones who have had the most fucked up life are the best, smartest and most resourceful of the group. As often happens, people with fucked up early lives seem to use that learned knowledge to make the secopnd half of their life way way better than it would have been without the knowledge they obtained in their really shitty early life (does that make sense?) LOL
Example... if you ever have kids you will probably be an awesome Father. Why? Well, because you know the difference between a shitty and a good Father. The knowledge you gained getting your ass beat by your old man will make you a better Father to your son. It's not always that way but.... often.
You have everything it takes to fly right through this situation..... youth. And, in the end, when youth is gone and all you have left is the knowledge and experience, you'll be a better person with a better life because of it.
I agree with moose (I think it was Moose) on getting the fuck out of the environment. You're going to leave sooner or later. Why not now?
.
Thanks guys.i think what I'm gonna do is get some heaters in my garage and apply for assistance with the electric bill cause I can't really afford the bill.i could stay at pads or shelters but the town is stay at would have to much temptation and I'd do something stupid.sorry I've been acting wierd but when I withdraw from alcohol I get wierd and emotional.i feel better today.got a lot done.havent been to the store in 2 weeks or more so I stocked up on food.hadnt eaten in I don't even know.still not really hungry but I'll force my self to eat.got some fruit to make smoothies.i need those vitamins.i get food stamps BTW.i can't afford food with money.you guys really have me some inspiration.if my dad would just stop getting drunk and working on others peoples house I could of moved back in by now.but this snow caused more damage and mold but at least I think he made a temporary fix to the leaks.
one option is to (if you have access to metal works - bit hard so I did not mention earlier) buyild a DIY stove (?guess is the correct word?) .. metal fireplace with metal chimney running straight out of the house.
Please do note fire safety materials and safety gaps around stove and chimney.
This would allow burning papers, cartoon and horse bedding straws. wooden pallets (if available) etc.
metal 55Gal drums are one cheap item to use as starting point. As situation is temporary thin metal should be enough. Fire will eventually eat through but we are talking about one winter.
Safety wise .. if you have option for oil filled heater.. that would be safer than electric heater IMHO .. which in turn is safer than stove.
Key is that area around heater (which ever) is as fireproof as can be managed.
Please do note fire safety materials and safety gaps around stove and chimney.
This would allow burning papers, cartoon and horse bedding straws. wooden pallets (if available) etc.
metal 55Gal drums are one cheap item to use as starting point. As situation is temporary thin metal should be enough. Fire will eventually eat through but we are talking about one winter.
Safety wise .. if you have option for oil filled heater.. that would be safer than electric heater IMHO .. which in turn is safer than stove.
Key is that area around heater (which ever) is as fireproof as can be managed.
I could turn the furnace on.thats not a problem.but I need to board the windows, seal the roof and get rid of the mold and smoke smell.ive got a propane heater and an electronic heater I might be able to use.my dad is just being a drunk asshole promising to help me and then change his mind and get violent.im not gonna be surprised if they just condemn the house.my probation officer just called and said she don't think she can let me live in a garage.i won't know anything till next week.im so mad.i might have to live in a goddamn shelter.i can't have my probation where I'm at now.my dads got weed everywhere.and all my shits gonna get stolen or broke unless someone will store my stuff.my dad said he'll break my TV if I let someone store it cause he wants to use it.i really want to kill this man.if I wasn't on probation I just might.he even told me I shouldn't pay my fines and go to jail.he called the cops on me.im not a snitch but I'm thinking about calling on him.he drinks and drives without a license everyday.i don't think I could do it though.im not a snitch
One option is...
One option is...
to go get a job as a long haul trucker, if you still can. The companies will pay to train you and get a CDL but you have to work for them a certain period. You live in the truck as you travel all around the country making money.
I did this for a couple years to get myself out of a deep economic slump, and it worked. Hard job though unless you have a driving partner.
One option is...
to go get a job as a long haul trucker, if you still can. The companies will pay to train you and get a CDL but you have to work for them a certain period. You live in the truck as you travel all around the country making money.
I did this for a couple years to get myself out of a deep economic slump, and it worked. Hard job though unless you have a driving partner.
I need $2000 to get my license back.got a DUI on a fucking pit bike in. 500 person country town.i got pulled over just cause it's illegal but everyone else gets away with driving 4 wheelers and ATVs.plus I can't have a job like that if I get disability.i really need to find someway to make money though.im stuck in the country cause I don't have any friends to help me.get around.got lucky yesterday cause my mom took me to my counselor but she can't keep doing that.im really not making excuses.i really am that fucked
Nothing to lose by asking a company or two and tell them the story. LOL, DUI on a minibike.
I get it when depression takes over your mind. It releases terrible chems into your system and those make it hard to get right. I am glad I am the other side of the kind of problems you are going through (and I mean through = as they WILL pass). Driving a big truck a couple years got me back on my feet.
Good luck.
I get it when depression takes over your mind. It releases terrible chems into your system and those make it hard to get right. I am glad I am the other side of the kind of problems you are going through (and I mean through = as they WILL pass). Driving a big truck a couple years got me back on my feet.
Good luck.
Thanks.i got a good buddy that MIGHT let me stay with him for a little bit.unfortunatly his wife and good friend of mine died on holloween.so he's knows the problem and hopefully let me stay temporary and help me fix my house.i can't stay with my dad.he just threatened to beat me and kill me and that's what he wants.to provoke me and fight him so he can put me in prison.called me a pussy phaggot and the whole nine.im not playing his game.he knows what he's doing.so hopefully my buddy will let me stay with him a little bit and help me get my house going.he has to do all his wife's wishes first and make sure they are taking care of before anything is final.my dad is tough but I could kill him relatively easy if I wanted too but I won't.thats how I got arrested.hes a sick fuck.i want him to leave me alone but he taunts me so he can call the cops.hes evil
