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I Miss Bill Clinton
I Miss Bill Clinton
It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him...
...his wife works, and he doesn't!
...he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men...
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
The Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton...The Dodge "Drafter" will be built in Canada .
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."
I Miss Bill Clinton
It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him...
...his wife works, and he doesn't!
...he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men...
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
The Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton...The Dodge "Drafter" will be built in Canada .
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."
So two potheads have been charged with possession and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.)
They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs.
The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the Pothead. "I just show them: O <-- This is your brain; o <-- this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second Pothead, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: o <-- this is your Tight asshole; O <-- THIS is your Lose Raw asshole in prison." :jawdrop:
They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs.
The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the Pothead. "I just show them: O <-- This is your brain; o <-- this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second Pothead, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: o <-- this is your Tight asshole; O <-- THIS is your Lose Raw asshole in prison." :jawdrop:
skankwhisperer
Member
haaaa
One time there was an army camp that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.
The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent.
The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent.
The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
JuC
Active member
Email from Arab student to his dad:
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.
Your son,
Nasser
Reply of his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.
Your son,
Nasser
Reply of his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
A country boy and his new bride just arrived in New York City, go to the fanciest hotel they could find. The country boy goes to the desk and say's "we jest got married and we'd be needin a room". The desk clerk looks at them all dressed up and says "Well sir, would you like the bridal"? The country boy thinks for a second and say's "No sir, I don't need a bridal, I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she learns how".
ok , so a priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, they are walking around talking and they pass a park with some children playing the priest says "hey we should fuck those kids",
The rabbi reply's " Outta what!!"
hope that was decent?
peace TS
The rabbi reply's " Outta what!!"
hope that was decent?
peace TS
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy obeys and says, "99!"
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99." The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis."
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy begins, "One...two...three.."
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy obeys and says, "99!"
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99." The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis."
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy begins, "One...two...three.."
o all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa . . .
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa . . .
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironing, cookin' and scrubbing. No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, is in good health and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm
His wife is sitting in bed
He says ' this is the pig i fuck ,when you have a headache"
The wife reply's "thats a sheep ,thats not a pig"
He says " I wasn't talking to you" ............
His wife is sitting in bed
He says ' this is the pig i fuck ,when you have a headache"
The wife reply's "thats a sheep ,thats not a pig"
He says " I wasn't talking to you" ............
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
memphis man
Member
now thats funny right there i dont care who you are lol
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Wichita, KS. with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Atlanta , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Wichita,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Atlanta , she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Wichita,
please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS
* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
midgethorse
Member
Why couldnt Helen Kellar drive?
"Because shes a woman"
"Because shes a woman"
The coach put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN, the coach saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. The soldier threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window, 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away -- right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
He brought the soldier to the States and taught him the great game of football and the Raiders went on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan was hailed as a great football hero and when the coach asked him what he wanted, the young man answered that he wanted to call his mother.
"Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!"
The old lady paused, and then tearfully said, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”
Then one night while watching CNN, the coach saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. The soldier threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window, 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away -- right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
He brought the soldier to the States and taught him the great game of football and the Raiders went on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan was hailed as a great football hero and when the coach asked him what he wanted, the young man answered that he wanted to call his mother.
"Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!"
The old lady paused, and then tearfully said, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”
