The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[nobull56]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and " slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno , why do we?

 

[shafty420]

Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

 

[icred]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.’

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins'.

 

[jessethestoner]

a son walks up to his father and says "dad i just got my first blowjob!"
suprised the father asks how was it?
to which the son replies "it tasted terrible!"

 

[nobull56]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"

 

[snuggles]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

lmfao!!
this would really be worth a try

rgds,
snuggles

 

[BornToBeWild]

2 young blondes are driving to Disneyland, when they get about a mile away it says "Disneyland Left" they started crying turned around and went back home.

 

[RoachClip]

 

[kyndone]

an old man sits down on a bench just outside of a mall, a young man comes and sits beside him, the old man looks over and sees the the young man has some really bright red and yellow cloths on, and a tall mohawk colored blue and green, the old man stares at him for a minute, and the young looks at the old man and says, " whats the matter pops,?, you never did anything crazy when you were young,"? the old man thinks for a second, and says, " yah, i #$ucked a parrot once, and i thought you might be my son",.

 

[g0vnaa]

A man with a big beer belly is standing near a kinder garden.
A woman comes near to him and she asks him:
- Are you waiting a child ?
And he replies:
- Aaa now its from the beer.

I don`t know if it gets you, jokes are not that easy to translate into an other language

 

[the END]

A man with a big beer belly is standing near a kinder garden.
A woman comes near to him and she asks him:
- Are you waiting a child ?
And he replies:
- Aaa now its from the beer.

I don`t know if it gets you, jokes are not that easy to translate into an other language

It was funny 'Cause I didn't get it

 

[g0vnaa]

hhahhaah
The lady ask "Are you waiting a kid" - like are you waiting for a kid to finish the kindergarden.
And he is thinking that she think he is pregnant because of his big belly.
And thats why he says its from the beer - the belly

 

[enter sandman]

i have the deepest suspicion that you guys have been smoking something.....

 

[g0vnaa]

i have the deepest suspicion that you guys have been smoking something.....

Lol you are some kind of Sorcerer.

 

[RoachClip]

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

 

[BornToBeWild]

There is a ladder to heaven a rich man,middle class man, and a poor man are about to climb it. The rich man starts up the ladder after about 10 feet up god throws down a $100 bill and the rich man jumps off the ladder to catch it "oh my I can buy more stocks". Next the middle class man starts climbing god started throwing more $100 bills a few went by then finally the man jumped off the ladder and got 1 "this will help for our vacation". Then the poor man starts climbing god probably threw about 1,000 $100 bills and the man wouldn't even blink an eye. He got up to heaven and god asked him why he didn't take any the man replied "I didn't know what those were I'm on welfare and get food stamps!"

 

[RoachClip]

He should know what they are because he wishes he had a few $100.00 bills good one

 

[RoachClip]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

 

[RoachClip]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

[desertdweller]

A couple were laying in bed one night, the husband started to rub his wife's shoulder to get her in the mood, the wife said "I have a GYN appointment tomorrow and I want to be fresh" The husband rolled over and started to sleep, after a couple of minutes, he starts to rub her shoulder again and said "Do you have a dental appt tomorrow?"