The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[nobull56]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only little Endo was left.

Endo, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Don't f*@#% with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[Chamba]

here's pick-up line

while waiting in a queue and there's a pretty girl in front of you

whisper quickly in her ear "tickleyourasswithafeather?"

if she smiles, you're in, if she is about to slap your face and say's "excuse me?"

quickly say "it's particularly nasty weather"

 

[midgethorse]

Whats the first thing a battered women does after coming home from the womens shelter?

"The dishes if she knows whats good for her!"

 

[midgethorse]

Whats black and blue and refuses to have sex?

"the 10 year old boy in my trunk"

 

[TNTBudSticker]

"With all that Lube,I'm glad we didn't Slip up" said to his girlfriend

 

[enter sandman]

what do you call a cow without legs?
groundbeef.....hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa

 

[RoachClip]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[enter sandman]

what did the dumb blonde say after opening the box of cheerios?

...oh look, douhgnut seeds!

ahhaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

 

[lockehead]

Do you like fishsticks?
Yeah.
What are you, a gay fish?
LOLROFLMFAO

 

[BudWiz]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm
His wife is sitting in bed
He says ' this is the pig i fuck ,when you have a headache"
The wife reply's "thats a sheep ,thats not a pig"
He says " I wasn't talking to you" ............

ROFLMFAO!!

 

[Endo]

Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied,"Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?"

He said, "She'll have a Salad!"

 

[nobull56]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[nobull56]

BREEDING BULLS
My wife and I went to the Lake County Fair agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '




My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'




My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her, smiled and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'





My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Endo]

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

 

[RoachClip]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

 

[bigtopsfinn]

A highway patrolman stops a speeding car on the freeway. Upon closer inspection of the driver, he sees a beautiful, smoking hot blonde behind the wheel.

He asks for her license and registration, and returns to his patrol car and radios the information back to the dispatcher.

After moments of silence, the dispatch replies "Officer, approach the car window of the subject and pull down your trousers and briefs." The highway patrolman responds in disbelief "did you just ask me to pull my pants down in front of her?" Dispatch replies "Affirmative".

The bewildered patrolman steps out of his vehicle and walks over next to the blonde's window, unzips his pants and pulls them down.

The blonde has a look of irritation on her face and says "Ugh, not another breathalyzer test..."

 

[shafty420]

Me: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

Me: Neither can I, get that fucking cooker on.

 

[armedoldhippy]

dizzy blonde was tooling around & runs a red light. cop pulls her over, gets out of car & walks up. she is blonde as well. cop says "i need your drivers license." driver says "what do they look like?" cop says "small, rectangular, & your picture on it. driver fumbles around in her purse & finds a small mirror. looking at it, she sees her reflection. handing it out the window, she asks " is this it?" cop looks at it for a moment & says "fuck! if i had known you were a cop, i never would have stopped you..."

 

[icred]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

 

[RoachClip]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!