And me... I’ve probably also posted it before...
lamenamenumbers
Member
A guy walks into a bar holding a piece of pavement and orders two beers and tells the bartender, "one for me and one for the road......"
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
doesn't sound too likely. don't they have to be carried out? LOL!
i owe you some rep on this one...
Snook
Still Learning
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
lamenamenumbers
Member
Say guys, did I ever tell you about when I used to play triangle in a reggae band? I had to leave eventually, it was just one ting after another......
Snook
Still Learning
Thank the Irish
Thank the Irish
Thank God for the Irish
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
Thank the Irish
Thank God for the Irish
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
Snook
Still Learning
[FONT="]THIS[/FONT][FONT="] IS[/FONT][FONT="]A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A[/FONT][FONT="]MAN AND HIS WIFE.[/FONT]
[FONT="]PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS 7 QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY[/FONT][FONT="].[/FONT]
[FONT="]BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY 1 QUESTION FROM HIM[/FONT]
[FONT="]I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS[/FONT][FONT="]O[/FONT][FONT="]UT THERE:[/FONT]
[FONT="] WOMAN:DO YOU DRINK BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]YES[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="]HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]USUALLY ABOUT THREE[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]$5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]SO, A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR[/FONT][FONT="]SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.[/FONT]
[FONT="]IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]CORRECT[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,[/FONT]
[FONT="]THE[/FONT][FONT="]PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]CORRECT[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK BEER, THAT MONEY[/FONT][FONT="]COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]DO YOU DRINK BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]NO.[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?[/FONT]
[FONT="]PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS 7 QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY[/FONT][FONT="].[/FONT]
[FONT="]BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY 1 QUESTION FROM HIM[/FONT]
[FONT="]I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS[/FONT][FONT="]O[/FONT][FONT="]UT THERE:[/FONT]
[FONT="] WOMAN:DO YOU DRINK BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]YES[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="]HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]USUALLY ABOUT THREE[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]$5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]SO, A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR[/FONT][FONT="]SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.[/FONT]
[FONT="]IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]CORRECT[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,[/FONT]
[FONT="]THE[/FONT][FONT="]PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]CORRECT[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK BEER, THAT MONEY[/FONT][FONT="]COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]DO YOU DRINK BEER?[/FONT]
[FONT="]WOMAN:[/FONT][FONT="]NO.[/FONT]
[FONT="]MAN:[/FONT][FONT="]WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?[/FONT]
F
Fermented
Stand Up
"Is it just me or is BJJ the gayest thing you've ever seen or heard of?
Two almost naked guys trying to mount each other, I mean, come on! A 5 round fight has more body contact than a gang bang of Karma Sutras.
Even the name, Blow Job Job, is a dead give-away isn't it.
by the way, I expect to be put to choked out and put to sleep by strangers on a daily basis after saying this in public"
"Is it just me or is BJJ the gayest thing you've ever seen or heard of?
Two almost naked guys trying to mount each other, I mean, come on! A 5 round fight has more body contact than a gang bang of Karma Sutras.
Even the name, Blow Job Job, is a dead give-away isn't it.
by the way, I expect to be put to choked out and put to sleep by strangers on a daily basis after saying this in public"
Snook
Still Learning
WTF is this all about? Did I miss something?
He’s Fermented.
F
Fermented
It was a joke from a stand up routine I wrote (which in this era of copy and paste, is a rare thing, especially in this thread!)....hence the subject "Stand Up".
Try this - imagine a comedian like Andy Shultz was saying it on stage...then you'd probably wet your pants laughing.
and "oh, yeah, don't clap your hands, throw money bee-atches!" the crowd gets off their seats and cheers loudly (Fermented drops the mic, walks off stage and then is blown by a super model before he gets to the green room)
then Fermented is roughly woken up out of his nap by the boss man "Get your ass up and at it, there's another truck to load"....Fermented grumbles, gets up but keeps on dreaming.......
Try this - imagine a comedian like Andy Shultz was saying it on stage...then you'd probably wet your pants laughing.
and "oh, yeah, don't clap your hands, throw money bee-atches!" the crowd gets off their seats and cheers loudly (Fermented drops the mic, walks off stage and then is blown by a super model before he gets to the green room)
then Fermented is roughly woken up out of his nap by the boss man "Get your ass up and at it, there's another truck to load"....Fermented grumbles, gets up but keeps on dreaming.......
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I can never figure out what he/she says either. makes zero sense?
F
Fermented
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful, he's been dead 5 weeks.
Fermented's agent grabs his arm the second he gets off stage "It's Netfix on the line, they want you to do a special!"....Fermented immediately pushes the super model off once she's finished, grabs his phone and posts another joke on icmag.com while zippering up himself)
How does he smell?
Awful, he's been dead 5 weeks.
Fermented's agent grabs his arm the second he gets off stage "It's Netfix on the line, they want you to do a special!"....Fermented immediately pushes the super model off once she's finished, grabs his phone and posts another joke on icmag.com while zippering up himself)
