R
Robrites
Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.
"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.
"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."
"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."
"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.
"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"So, what has your husband gotten you?"
"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.
"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."
"I have three." Continues the older woman. "After the first kid, my husband was so sweet. He bought me a diamond necklace."
"Oh, how nice." Said the young woman.
"After the second, he bought me a new car. He said I deserve the best."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"And after the third, he bought us a new house. It was expensive, but he said his family was worth it."
"Oh, how nice." Said the younger woman.
"So, what has your husband gotten you?"
"Well, we only have one child. After he was born, my husband thought I needed to clean up my language, so he got me lessons at charm school."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now instead of saying 'go fuck yourself,' I say 'oh, how nice'."
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
R
Robrites
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.” “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.” “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
R
Robrites
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
R
Robrites
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
He heard that boys' pants were half off.
He heard that boys' pants were half off.
Please indulge this mildly bigoted joke
Please indulge this mildly bigoted joke
that only a few will get.
What's the difference between a French Canadian and a Mexican?
Nothing.
Please indulge this mildly bigoted joke
that only a few will get.
What's the difference between a French Canadian and a Mexican?
Nothing.
Rectum hell, Damn near killed him!
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F
Fermented
Please indulge this mildly bigoted joke
No, no thanks.
Jokes like this are about as funny as cancer. The only way a joke like that is ok to tell is when you and the listeners are all the same nationality and the joke is about that same nationality...but, hey, that wouldn't be funny to you would it?
but of course you wouldn't tell that type of joke about people from your area...because you and your kind are superior to the others, that's right isn't it?
No, no thanks.
Jokes like this are about as funny as cancer. The only way a joke like that is ok to tell is when you and the listeners are all the same nationality and the joke is about that same nationality...but, hey, that wouldn't be funny to you would it?
but of course you wouldn't tell that type of joke about people from your area...because you and your kind are superior to the others, that's right isn't it?
Born Quebecois and now Mexican. Like I said only a few would get but yes, I get what you say, however I am not the kind you imagine. PM me if you want to see my id.
Sorry for the sidetrack to the jokesters.
I just wanna know why you were so offended by it....
Some folks want to be offended,so it really doesn't take much.
lamenamenumbers
Member
Now now gang, let's let sleeping jokes lie and move on. No harm, no foul, the olive branch(possibly laden with a big fat cola) was extended now lets get on with the groaners.
I went to the beach last night and found a giant clam, I was hauling it back to my truck, but stopped. I pulled a mussel.
You guys hear about the new XR-Elite 420 brooms? They are really sweeping the nation!
Now here is one for the kids. Why did the pie go to the dentist? Because it needed a filling!
I went to the beach last night and found a giant clam, I was hauling it back to my truck, but stopped. I pulled a mussel.
You guys hear about the new XR-Elite 420 brooms? They are really sweeping the nation!
Now here is one for the kids. Why did the pie go to the dentist? Because it needed a filling!
R
Robrites
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
R
Robrites
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer
Smoking or Non- Smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer
Smoking or Non- Smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
