The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Fermented]

Look how far we've come in respecting women's rights....a generation ago it was ok for a comedian to joke about rape, for example
"Rape!, it's a lie, how can a man with his pants around his ankles run faster than a woman with a dress lifted up this high". That would of been regarded as a funny joke back then and now you would be ostracized for the same joke and rightly so.

 

[GET MO]

Look how far we've come in respecting women's rights....a generation ago it was ok for a comedian to joke about rape, for example
"Rape!, it's a lie, how can a man with his pants around his ankles run faster than a woman with a dress lifted up this high". That would of been regarded as a funny joke back then and now you would be ostracized for the same joke and rightly so.

Well duh. Woman dont wear dresses anymore, and men are used to wearing their pants around their ankles now. Times change.

 

[Fermented]

What did the decomposing, rugby playing, Japanese zombie gambler, say when he sat down at the table?

"Rot's of Ruck!"

 

[Fermented]

"He got up like he was late for work!"

A recent you tube post about the 12th round knockdown of Fury by Wilder.....funny post and a great fight.

It was a good fight, Fury had amazing stamina, moved like a slippery welter and won a majority of the rounds, Wilder threw hard punches all night and knocked him down twice, I though a draw was a fair result
I just re-watched the 12th round and Fury was lucky he wasn't counted out, I've seen plenty of fighters who didn't beat the count after getting up about as fast as Fury did.

 

[Snook]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.""

 

[TNTBudSticker]

Kids in Sexual Education Class.


Kid1: If a Man and women were born both permature,will they both have a premature baby ?

Kid2: Is the Father a premature ejaculater? He'll never have a baby.

 

[Fermented]

A recent post by "The Lawn Care Nut" commenting on one of those internet "car guys" who bought a used McLaren (Hoovie's Garage, aka the vehicular masochist). these are regarded as the one of the worse used performance cars to own due to everything breaking all the time and spending more down time for repairs than just about everything that is or was ever a vehicle except any other Brit car that has been submerged in the Ocean for 2 decades.


"It's a good thing McLaren doesn't make medical equipment."

 

[Hermanthegerman]

How to cure a nymphomaniac?

Marry her.

 

[Bud Green]

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreadlocks on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted..

 

[Weezard]

Dreadlock guy will know.

 

[Robrites]

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.
The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”
The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door.
5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile.
“None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.”
“Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door.
Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door.
“Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!”
Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!”
The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in,
“How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”

 

[romanoweed]

Reason why you edited this Post?

 

[Snook]

[FONT=&quot]The Bull[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife and I went to the Wisconsin Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached to the that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........
You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.[/FONT]

 

[Stoner4Life]

you're a funny bunch of guys,
but looks aren't everything

 

[armedoldhippy]

you're a funny bunch of guys,
but looks aren't everything

yet some fool woman married me. go figure... (i'm pretty sure she regrets it now, though)

 

[TANO]

Math joke for stoner

Math joke for stoner

Gentlemen...

I found the result of the cubic root of 4:20

​

 

[armedoldhippy]

Gentlemen...

I found the result of the cubic root of 4:20


View Image

View Image



​

looks right to me...

 

[Vash]

THE TEST

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"


"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."


The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"


"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."


So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.


"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:


First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"


"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."


As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"


He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[Iffy]

Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar.

 

[lamenamenumbers]

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "five beers please."