The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

Why is Santa so jolly?





He has a list of naughty girls.

"You must spread some reputation around before giving more to MicroRoy."

Some days I think back
on all that shit my mom told me
when I was wild and wouldn't listen.
But I can't remember a word of it:
because I was wild; and wouldn't listen.

I was dating this chick,
and my friends, wuz like.. DaYuM, MaN,
daT hO LOVEz YeW.

I was like.. I dunno. Maybe she's seeing someone else.

My friends wuz like... WfF MaN, cain't'chew see that chick B laik: AwL Over YeW?

But I was like... you know... maybe, she's thinkin' about somebody else.

My friends said MaN, can't you SEE this woman be ALL OVER you like... frosted on flakes an' shit?

But I couldn't shake it: I felt like... she was always thinking of some other guy.

So I told my friends what my concerns were, and why. They thought about that shit awhile,
and talked about it in the other room, when they went to get some beer.
They picked one guy to speak for em all,
and he sat down on the couch, and said "Listen up, man,"
and all my other bros come in an' set down around the room, all lookin' at me.
An' my best bro say "Look man, one uh her eyes is crossed, she been like that ever since she was a kid."


The other day,
my mother in law texted my wife, she's gonna be here for the holidays.
So my wife made me go clean out the hall closet, so she would have a place to
hang upside down.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a six offender.

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.

 

[Cannabis]

The first rule of Alzheimer's club
is don't talk about Chess club.

Little Johnny was in rural school, where you need to know a little about a lot. For instance he was asked by the teacher, why a chicken coop has two doors. Johnny explained that - if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Someone stole my mood ring... I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My family has a disposition to get crippling diarrhea. It runs in our jeans.

What is
green,
fuzzy, and potentially deadly
when forced high up into a tree?

A pool table.

I was reading in the paper, that someone gets stabbed in London, every 52 seconds. That's bastard needs to move.

You know, parallel lines have so much in common.
It's sad how they'll never meet.

Women used to call me 'that ugly older guy' till they found out how much money I make.
Now they call me
l o s e r.

I had a pet racing snail.
To speed him up even more, I took off his shell; but it just made him more sluggish.

If you have 1 green ball in one hand:
If you have 1 green ball in the OTHER hand - what do you have?
Kermit's FULL attention.

 

[Cadfael]

What is brown and sticky?

A Stick

 

[Midnite Toker]

If you have 1 green ball in one hand:
If you have 1 green ball in the OTHER hand - what do you have?
Kermit's FULL attention.

How do you eat a frog? You put one leg over this ear and one leg over that ear!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? We Do taste like chicken!

 

[Robrites]

What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

Canta Plaus.

 

[Robrites]

A Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

A Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[brown_thumb]

^^^ LOL... I luvs me a good Irish yarn. ARRRHH!!

 

[Cannabis]

MoST EXCeLLeNT Robrites!

 

[Cannabis]

I want to know that you guys have been so friendly here in this game, I'm going to set aside my plans to install more cameras in your houses, and visit while you're sleeping. You guys make me feel good.

Not lonely, and angry - like those other people, who got the restraining order and did that taser thing to me in their front yard, that time. Ok THOSE times. It was really all one big discussion so I don't see how that was two felonies.

 

[Cannabis]

My wife says to me about the kids- who are learning all the exciting things about teenage life like driving - "Isn't it so wonderful how swiftly they're catching onto driving?

"Yeah," says I, "especially considering those dark, early years,
when they had so much trouble struggling to learn even rudiments of running
the mower, and the vacuum cleaner."

What do you get when you cross Bambi and a ghost? Bamboo.

Ya know why I can't stand talking with kleptomaniacs?
Because they take everything literally.

What do you get,
when you cross a joke,
with a rhetorical question?

I went to a French coffee place while I was in Paris, and told them I'd have an Americano, no creme. The lady told me "Sir, we have run out of cream, how about no milk?"

There are some of us who are immersed in scientific activity, from early on; and we're always confusing the holidays of Chrismas, and Halloween. People think it's because we don't care, but actually, it's just because we use different math systems. You can check.
Go to your scientific calculator and you'll see clearly:

Oct. 31 = Dec. 25
_______________________________________________

A computer programmer was going to run some errands for the wife, since she was gonna - well - you know.. so he had her jot down a little note for what he should get. Note said

Go to safeway
if they have bread get a loaf. If they have eggs get 1 dozen.

As per for a nerd, he didn't get laid that night.
He came home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

[Cannabis]

A neutron walked into a bar. Neutron says he'll have a drink, but -how much will it cost? Barkeep tells him "No charge for you."

Most people believe if it isn't broken, don't fix it.
Engineers believe if it isn't broke, you must have bought the model without any luxury features.

There was a doctor, a priest, and an engineer who were playing golf. A bunch of really slow golfers ahead of them made them wait more than 15 minutes at each hole; and it was ruining the day. The Doctor said "They're so inept! Here comes the grounds keeper I'll ask what's up." Grounds keeper says "This the group of firemen who were all blinded in the big fire out here last year, right next to the grounds. They saved the entire country club from going up in flames so - we let em play for free, any time they want.

The doctor being a wise man, muttered to himself, "I need to research restoring sight to these people."

The priest, being a humble man, muttered to himself, "I need to pray for these people."

The engineer, being an honest man, muttered to himself, "Why can't they just play at night!?"

Some Innuit were given a high quality thermo-plastic kayak and they took it out on the ocean for a spin. While they were out, waters got choppy so they pulled over, flipped the kayak, and lit their stove underneath it to try to get warm. But the plastic melted.
Which just goes to show the old saying is true that in this modern era, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

[Cannabis]

Many of you guys, are familiar with the old ex lawyer, who set the entire Indian nation free of years, and horrible years of British colonial rule.

The man's name was Gandi, or Ghandi: Mahatma Ghandi.

He lived a life of open and transparent poverty dedicated to a single thing: developing - literally the spiritual power of the entire, Indian subcontinental region, over his own short lifetime - ACTIVE lifetime - such that he INTENTIONALLY rectified the cultural hypnotism and terror that come with being enslaved, by a large 'yes' man bureaucracy. It was an INCREDIBLE undertaking that he - LITERALLY did - through the power of poverty, fasting, prayer, and teaching people, to take up for themselves. Not losing their minds going on massive, ungoverned blood lettings that would allow the British to paint Indians as savages but - he took them from slave mentality to global super power potential in just one man's short lifetime. He was actually murdered: martyred - by some mentally ill idiot who simply was crazy as f*** yet HIS MOVEMENT PREVAILED: and today, DUE to him, India is free.
Not due to a whole bunch of things. Due to HIM - today - India is free. Now - during this time, he often walked miles and miles, barefooted, when he could have taken automotive travel.
He fasted and refused to eat the food stuffs his lawyer's status could have supplied, and coupled with his small frame, he was quite weak and spindly.

Furthermore he became troubled by bad breath stemming from his miserable living conditions, shared with the lowest of the low.

And thus he really became, a

super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

 

[Cannabis]

A man ran a hotel. He was a peculiar type because he would run a hospitality business yet found many ways to disapprove of the very people's lifestyles, who came to his place. For instance one time he had a bus full of very nerdy high schoolers and jr college types show up in when there was no other business for him that day.

The kids were really pleasant, having just won, and witnessed the winning of, the state chess championship and it was a big deal; so they were all high fiving as nerds do, and gently laughing about the big win.

But the hotelier told them to all get out of his office, that he didn't need their money, and he didn't need their patronage. His wife came out mortified, shouting "Habib! !Habib! Why did you drive away all our customers!? They would have paid the bills till the end of the month!" Being a dour old hotelier, Habib told her clearly, 'Woman, how many times do I have to tell you, Christmas or NO Christmas,
I HATE chess nuts boasting, in an open foyer!"

I went to the hospital and saw my doctor. I told him that I had been having dreams. Lurid, naughty, sexy dreams, about women from my neighborhood, and women from television, giving me the look, and sliding up beside me to grab my shirt and pants, start taking them off to then just rip them from me and rape me almost every way a man can be raped by a group of deliciously horny women.

My doctor told me he saw no problem with it, seemed harmless. I told him that the main thing was that I was continually fighting them, pushing them away, pushing, shoving, punching - trying to hold them off, even though I'd been divorced ten years and desperately longed for intimacy with a woman. He said he'd research the issue for me.

I returned the next month for my appointment. Huge relief. There's an operation to fix the problem I'm having in my dreams, and although it might seem serious, it really wasn't: just a few simple snips and I'd be completely free of the rejection reaction, I was showing in my dreams. No more pushing women away
I secretly wanted to ravish me.

I figured modern surgery's pretty deep stuff, so - I didn't ask too many questions, just the basics: about when I would be up and about (almost immediately)

how long the cure would take to fix my dreams (about six months after the operation the cure should be complete) and

whether there are side effects (loss of dexterity in tasks like musical instruments or fine control movements like eating with a fork)

what the relative danger of dying was. (Zero. The operations are very, VERY safe. There's never been a death attributed thereto.)

When I awoke the doctor said everything had gone just fine. He said as the effects of the operation affected my psyche more, I'd push the women away in my dreams less: and submit to their much desired advances.
He asked me how I felt. I told him I wasn't sure about the dexterity in eating, but I did notice I couldn't feel my legs when I reached down and palpated them to check for sensitivity. I asked the doctor about that and he told me it's to be expected any time someone has had both their arms cut off.

A mom had a note come home with her kid. It said "please send an old tee shirt so we can iron on an anti-drug logo.'' Mom went through the place, there was one old shirt that had something on it. It was so old she didn't turn it right-side out. It was late, yadaYada.

Next day, kid came home with tee shirt, duly ironed on and now,

logo'd on the front, and the back.

On the front it said "Be Smart. Don't Start."

On the back it said "Families Are Forever."

 

[Cannabis]

Two snowmen were out standing side by side, in a large front yard. Snowman one said to snowman two, "You know - you're right! I smell carrots, too."

You know, there's something I despise about kids. That f****g clingy, needy, all the time, me, me, ME - like the other day I was at home and my wife was like - never stopping with the ''text the kids a bed time story, text the kids a bed time story!"

A man went to the doctor and the nurse called and asked him if he could come back the next day, before he even got home from the first visit. It was on the machine there, please come in tomorrow, the doctor has an appointment earlier than today, we can see you at 1:30.

Ok so he goes and the doc sits down, kinda runs his hands through his hair and says "Listen Bill there's just no easy way to tell you this but - I don't know, why don't we say there's bad news, but then - there's good news... which one do you wanna hear first?"

Bill kinda sucks it up and realizes - this asshole's got the chill bumps and the sweats, maybe... maybe we need to take this shit like it's f***in' grown-up time, and not be a smartass. "....I ...I guess gimme .... the good news, first."

Doctor says "You've only got 30, maybe 36 hours to live."

..Hmm. Holy Guac-a-f***kin-MoLey. "....well if that's the good news what's the bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday afternoon."

I'm a software programmer and I got a really good idea for an anti-social networking site. I'm gonna name it

''Get Outta My Face-Book.''

My wife invented the damndest thing. It's an elastic band that holds my phone on her forehead, so she can pretend I'm listening to her once in awhile.

I had to dump my discount health insurance company. They covered a lot of stuff, but - like -with my ribs? I was riding my motorcycle and I fell down on some gravel at an intersection. I broke my rib. They saw me and everything, took X-rays, but then when it came time to do something about it, they just fixed it with photo-shop.

 

[GET MO]

I know someone who died from a viagra overdose... To make matters worse they couldnt close the casket.

 

[noyd666]

HAPPY MARRIAGE DEFINITION IS A MAN LYING ON HIS BACK WITH HIS WALLET WIDE OPEN.

 

[Weezard]

It was a die hard funeral with an open casket.

 

[Cannabis]

I went to work for a big place in town. I knew I was gonna have to put my game face on when they told me '12th floor, room 2209b and... here's your g.p.s. device, energy bar and water.'


Bob came to work after a month on his new job. Things were going great. He was making some fairly good money. Like he could afford to live in an apartment near work. Women liked him more. People - grown men - actually held doors for him and whoever he was with, smiling gently like they could see, he was moving up.

When he arrived on the floor Rhonda walked up and said "Morning, BoB, ...Mr Gordon's scheduled to talk to you and Bill today, I think it's about your training.

When Bob knocked on Mr Gordon's door, he was told Come iN! Bob opened the door, walked in,
there was the guy who had been training him, Bill.

"Come on in, Bob," Mr Gordon said, "No, stand right there, we won't really make this take any longer than it needs to."

Out of the blue, Bill took off his shirt, and laid down on Mr. Gordon's desk. Mr. Gordon walked to his desk and got out a large red pen, and a pointed, double edged dagger. Drawing a smiley face on Bill's chest, Mr. Gordon looked up at Bob, and said "Bob, when we hired you, we told you - in the investment business, we sometimes make sacrifices..."

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
About a Brazilian or so.

What's red and isn't there?
No tomatoes on a hamburger.

Jesus, Mary, and the 12 disciples had cleared the dishes after dinner, and were having a WILD assed party in the upper room. Jesus put his hand on John's shoulder, and told him, 'Come forth: and I will give you Eternal life.' However John came fifth, so Jesus just handed John the same towel Mathew used, when he came forth.

How is marriage like playing cards? When you start the game all you need is two hearts, and a diamond. Near the end of the game you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

[Cannabis]

Why did the opera singer live on her yacht? She wanted to be comfortable on the high C's

If girls from the South are Southern Belles,
Are girls from Mexico, Taco Belles?

 

[99%]

Not a joke, just something that happened to me a few days ago that made me chuckle. I harvested a few little plants last week I've been using the dehumidifier in the bedroom to dry the plants (as it's 80+RH around here 11 1/2 months of the year) I laid a few cardboard trays of bud on my bed for 10 or so hours per day during the day until dry enough to cure, which usually takes 8~12 days......a couple of nights ago I went to sleep and kept tossing and turning as there was something scratching me. In my sleep, I just couldn't quite work out what it was. At times I felt something on my back and at other times on my side. I woke up in the morning and there was a bud that must of jumped out of the tray that had been pressed into a perfectly formed (though a fatter, shorter version of a) Thai stick by my tossing and turning and rolling around when asleep.