Ethan Zachary
Member
Why did Alien jump off the roof?
It had too much acid in it's system.
It had too much acid in it's system.
-
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If a zoo was so bad it had one animal what would it be?
A Shitzu dog.
When I was a young man my granpa and I had fun all the time.
One of the times I had the most fun,
was the day he kicked the bucket.
It was out in our back pasture,
far from the house.
We were walking down a ravine behind the house and when we came to a ledge,
my grandpa got down on it, and inching his way down the first few feet his foot
landed on something that gave way.
He was up a long way, almost a hundred feet.
And using his foot to rock the piece that had
washed out of the hillside,he turned and said to me,
''How far out there ya reckon I can
kick this bucket?"
My dentist told me there were new cost cutting procedures due to Obamacare premiums.
He'd had to cut back on employee vacations.
I asked how that went and he said not too well - and it meant he also had to swap the Nitrous Oxide, for Helium.
I asked him why, and he said when he realized how bad people resented losing their vacation time,
he figured he'd see if they thought it was funnier to be around when people were screaming, and not want to be away from work so much.
And old lady made an emergency appointment with the dentist. She showed up duly for said meet up, sat down on her chair, and hiked up her legs and scooted waaaay down in the chair on her back, exposing: well... you know.
The dentist was pretty dumbfounded so he tried to kinda keep his cool, and he said sagely: Ms. Jenkins, I'm your dentist. Not your gynecologist.''
And she told him, I'm not here cause I need a gynecologist, I need you to fetch my husband's lower plate for me. We can't go to out to eat till he has it back.''
Jesus Christ and 12 dudes were walking down the road one day and a Roman Legion Commander came to Jesus and said 'Hey guys can I have a moment with Mr Integrity Sandals here?''
the 12 dudes, said - ''Sure,' and they sat down breaking out the lunch they'd brought themselves.
Soon, Jesus and the guy from the Legion walked back and Jesus said ''I'm gonna take a ride with these guys.''
Up comes another solder with a couple of horses for these two and across the hill and dale they went there, and soon enough,
Jesus comes back, shaking his head. ''It was the damnedest thing,'' Jesus said. ''He's the transport Captain of Ceasar's menagerie of animals, and it took me 20 minutes to convince that dumb m***f***r I healed some 'lepers.' L, E, P, E, R, S! ''
A couple of nights ago I was chilling in my back yard after looking for a job all day, and my wife told me that - I was immature. I told her, no, I'm stressed.
And if she waned to talk to me like that, just get outta my fort.
A Shitzu dog.
When I was a young man my granpa and I had fun all the time.
One of the times I had the most fun,
was the day he kicked the bucket.
It was out in our back pasture,
far from the house.
We were walking down a ravine behind the house and when we came to a ledge,
my grandpa got down on it, and inching his way down the first few feet his foot
landed on something that gave way.
He was up a long way, almost a hundred feet.
And using his foot to rock the piece that had
washed out of the hillside,he turned and said to me,
''How far out there ya reckon I can
kick this bucket?"
My dentist told me there were new cost cutting procedures due to Obamacare premiums.
He'd had to cut back on employee vacations.
I asked how that went and he said not too well - and it meant he also had to swap the Nitrous Oxide, for Helium.
I asked him why, and he said when he realized how bad people resented losing their vacation time,
he figured he'd see if they thought it was funnier to be around when people were screaming, and not want to be away from work so much.
And old lady made an emergency appointment with the dentist. She showed up duly for said meet up, sat down on her chair, and hiked up her legs and scooted waaaay down in the chair on her back, exposing: well... you know.
The dentist was pretty dumbfounded so he tried to kinda keep his cool, and he said sagely: Ms. Jenkins, I'm your dentist. Not your gynecologist.''
And she told him, I'm not here cause I need a gynecologist, I need you to fetch my husband's lower plate for me. We can't go to out to eat till he has it back.''
Jesus Christ and 12 dudes were walking down the road one day and a Roman Legion Commander came to Jesus and said 'Hey guys can I have a moment with Mr Integrity Sandals here?''
the 12 dudes, said - ''Sure,' and they sat down breaking out the lunch they'd brought themselves.
Soon, Jesus and the guy from the Legion walked back and Jesus said ''I'm gonna take a ride with these guys.''
Up comes another solder with a couple of horses for these two and across the hill and dale they went there, and soon enough,
Jesus comes back, shaking his head. ''It was the damnedest thing,'' Jesus said. ''He's the transport Captain of Ceasar's menagerie of animals, and it took me 20 minutes to convince that dumb m***f***r I healed some 'lepers.' L, E, P, E, R, S! ''
A couple of nights ago I was chilling in my back yard after looking for a job all day, and my wife told me that - I was immature. I told her, no, I'm stressed.
And if she waned to talk to me like that, just get outta my fort.
And speaking of dinosaurs: how do scientists know worms made up archaeopterix' diet?
Because they were, of course,
among the earliest
of birds.
A redneck had gotten a job and promised his girlfriend there was BIG change coming in the way they lived. When her birthday came he picked her up and with a big grin on his face, he told her: "Darlin' yew noe how much I LuV YeW. Here. Take this little box right here because when you see what goes with it, you're gonna scream!'' Figuring Billie-Bob was kinda known for his adventurous ways, she got in the truck. He was grinning all over.
They rode across town, to the industrial/commercial parks near the freeway and he pulled his own truck in behind a gorgeous, amazingly red, decked out, spanking new luxury model Ford F-150. Rims, tint, stripes, bed cover with matching paint, chrome pipes sticking up like smokestacks, just one badass f**n truck. Her eyes kinda popped out a little bit and she said - what's in here - shaking the little box about 3 x 4 inches - ''what's in here,''
''goes with that truck right there?'' "YeP!" He was one proud boyfriend. ''They had the EXACT color at the Walgreens and I thought, 'that right there's the perfect color for Betsy-Lou's fingernails! Go ahead, open it!"
Because they were, of course,
among the earliest
of birds.
A redneck had gotten a job and promised his girlfriend there was BIG change coming in the way they lived. When her birthday came he picked her up and with a big grin on his face, he told her: "Darlin' yew noe how much I LuV YeW. Here. Take this little box right here because when you see what goes with it, you're gonna scream!'' Figuring Billie-Bob was kinda known for his adventurous ways, she got in the truck. He was grinning all over.
They rode across town, to the industrial/commercial parks near the freeway and he pulled his own truck in behind a gorgeous, amazingly red, decked out, spanking new luxury model Ford F-150. Rims, tint, stripes, bed cover with matching paint, chrome pipes sticking up like smokestacks, just one badass f**n truck. Her eyes kinda popped out a little bit and she said - what's in here - shaking the little box about 3 x 4 inches - ''what's in here,''
''goes with that truck right there?'' "YeP!" He was one proud boyfriend. ''They had the EXACT color at the Walgreens and I thought, 'that right there's the perfect color for Betsy-Lou's fingernails! Go ahead, open it!"
People told me the global warming was gonna make the winters get colder and colder, as the earth got hotter and hotter. Indeed I was going past the Capitol the other day and it was SO cold, I saw a politician, with his hands in his own pockets.
A blonde was driving down the road swiftly and was pulled over by a patrol cop, another blonde. Asked for her license she searched through her purse and came up with nothing. The officer told her ''Problem ma'am?"
She said ''I can't find my license!''
"Ya sure, ma'am? Small square thing, your picture's on it?''
The blonde dug and came up with a makeup mirror. Small, square, and looked just like her. Okay.
She handed it to the blonde officer who looked at it. ''Oh! I didn't know you're an officer too ma'am!"
Here's a relatively unimportant fact:
if you bit it,
and you die,
it's poisonous.
If it bit you,
and you die,
it's venomous.
A man walked into a clinic, and told the receptionist he'd come to the conclusion that he was invisible, due to the opinion of the doctor he'd just visited; and that it was an emergency. The receptionist returned to notify the man that the doctor wouldn't see him. ''Aha! The second opinion I was looking for!'' he said and then left.
On what occasion do you go at red, stop at green?
When you're eating a watermelon.
Did you hear about Santa's elves? They got a union and everything.
They even got a new job description: Subordinate Clauses.
What is ''grammar?''
The difference between
knowing your shit, and
knowing you're shit.
Cindy wasn't really known for being real bright. One day, the teacher asked her to begin a sentence, with the letter I.
Sweet Cindy paused a long beat and started out her sentence: ''I... is....''
The teacher reproached Cindy. ''NO, Cindy, I AM!''
Cindy started again:
''Ahem...I AM the 9th letter of the alphabet.''
A blonde was driving down the road swiftly and was pulled over by a patrol cop, another blonde. Asked for her license she searched through her purse and came up with nothing. The officer told her ''Problem ma'am?"
She said ''I can't find my license!''
"Ya sure, ma'am? Small square thing, your picture's on it?''
The blonde dug and came up with a makeup mirror. Small, square, and looked just like her. Okay.
She handed it to the blonde officer who looked at it. ''Oh! I didn't know you're an officer too ma'am!"
Here's a relatively unimportant fact:
if you bit it,
and you die,
it's poisonous.
If it bit you,
and you die,
it's venomous.
A man walked into a clinic, and told the receptionist he'd come to the conclusion that he was invisible, due to the opinion of the doctor he'd just visited; and that it was an emergency. The receptionist returned to notify the man that the doctor wouldn't see him. ''Aha! The second opinion I was looking for!'' he said and then left.
On what occasion do you go at red, stop at green?
When you're eating a watermelon.
Did you hear about Santa's elves? They got a union and everything.
They even got a new job description: Subordinate Clauses.
What is ''grammar?''
The difference between
knowing your shit, and
knowing you're shit.
Cindy wasn't really known for being real bright. One day, the teacher asked her to begin a sentence, with the letter I.
Sweet Cindy paused a long beat and started out her sentence: ''I... is....''
The teacher reproached Cindy. ''NO, Cindy, I AM!''
Cindy started again:
''Ahem...I AM the 9th letter of the alphabet.''
Two dogs were driven in from the country to remain in the truck while friends visited after a hospital operation. On being let out they walked up to a parking meter. "Hm...'' said the first one. ''Pay toilets.''
I was doing some home repair and the weather was great and ... I slipped off the ladder. So I had to stay home for a couple of days. When I told my boss he was concerned, obviously, since it was a 30 foot ladder. He told me obviously to take as long as I needed, and I told him I'll be back as soon as I get well.
I didn't tell him I was only on the first step when I slipped off.
-------
It has been made known to me it is impossible to run in any occupied campground.
You can only ran through one since it's always,
past tents.
And something else. You know how people are always complaining they're allergic to chemicals?
Has anybody explained to them, that... everything is chemicals?
My wife left me a great card on the refrigerator. It said ''Dear, sometimes it seems like I nag,''
and inside it said ''But really that's called ''why didn't you listen the first f***ing time?''
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Because N. Korean missiles can't reach that far.
When I was talking to my mom, I decided to tease her about the election. I texted her: 'Hey MA! How does it feel to know we are finally going to have a f president!?'
Then I waited and she said, ''female?'' And I said, "Yeah, I typed all that but somehow the emale got deleted!"
I was doing some home repair and the weather was great and ... I slipped off the ladder. So I had to stay home for a couple of days. When I told my boss he was concerned, obviously, since it was a 30 foot ladder. He told me obviously to take as long as I needed, and I told him I'll be back as soon as I get well.
I didn't tell him I was only on the first step when I slipped off.
-------
It has been made known to me it is impossible to run in any occupied campground.
You can only ran through one since it's always,
past tents.
And something else. You know how people are always complaining they're allergic to chemicals?
Has anybody explained to them, that... everything is chemicals?
My wife left me a great card on the refrigerator. It said ''Dear, sometimes it seems like I nag,''
and inside it said ''But really that's called ''why didn't you listen the first f***ing time?''
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Because N. Korean missiles can't reach that far.
When I was talking to my mom, I decided to tease her about the election. I texted her: 'Hey MA! How does it feel to know we are finally going to have a f president!?'
Then I waited and she said, ''female?'' And I said, "Yeah, I typed all that but somehow the emale got deleted!"
R
Robrites
Thanks Roy, I just signed up!!!!"There is no better feeling than the one when love takes over your body and soul! You feel happiness and joy that overwhelms your entire being and make you feel like everything is possible. If you are craving for that feeling, then come online and join Amish dating .....There isn't a better feeling than the one when you obtain all of your needs."
..... nah, think I'll just make a date with Miss MaryJane instead.
There's these 12 year old twin sisters, Annie and Mary. Their parents are worried because Annie is very pessimistic, whereas Mary is far too optimistic. They think they needed a better balance, so coming Christmas they decided to make a superb present to the unwaiting pessimistic Annie and something worthless to the excited optimistic Mary.
They bought the fanciest smartphone for Annie, and stopping by the roadside of a farm he picked some dried horse shit in a bag and wrapped it in a present box, for Mary.
Coming Christmas day...
-What did you get?, asked Mary
Annie opens the box to find a shiny iphone
-Oh, just the latest iphone, but i wanted the latest samsung, this one has not the apps i want, this is bad luck, i hate mum and dad, it's not fair. What did you get then?
Mary opens the box and inside there's a lump of horse shit, and she starts jumping screaming
-I haven't seen it yet, but it's a pooonyyy!!!
They bought the fanciest smartphone for Annie, and stopping by the roadside of a farm he picked some dried horse shit in a bag and wrapped it in a present box, for Mary.
Coming Christmas day...
-What did you get?, asked Mary
Annie opens the box to find a shiny iphone
-Oh, just the latest iphone, but i wanted the latest samsung, this one has not the apps i want, this is bad luck, i hate mum and dad, it's not fair. What did you get then?
Mary opens the box and inside there's a lump of horse shit, and she starts jumping screaming
-I haven't seen it yet, but it's a pooonyyy!!!
Original ad:
55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY - NO EMAILS. 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
Hey,
That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?
Mike
From Felix ********* to Me:
CALL THE NUMBER
From Me to Felix *********:
What number?
From Felix ********* to Me:
484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called that number and nobody answered.
From Felix ********* to Me:
i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.
From Felix ********* to Me:
my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?
From Felix ********* to Me:
what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!
From Me to Felix *********:
Are you sure you didn't give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.
From Felix ********* to Me:
NO!
From Me to Felix *********:
I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?
From Felix ********* to Me:
DONT SEND ME A FAX
From Felix ********* to Me:
STOP SENDING ME FAXES
From Felix ********* to Me:
SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Can't you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?
From Felix ********* to Me:
what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!
From Felix ********* to Me:
OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?
From Felix ********* to Me:
NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
From Felix ********* to Me:
GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW
From Me to Felix *********:
My apologies, I can't go back. I'm at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I'll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.
From Felix ********* to Me:
HEY! NO! FUCK THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I'M FUCKING SERIOUS
From Me to Felix *********:
Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?
From Felix ********* to Me:
YES
From Me to Felix *********:
Okay, I gave him your info. He's going to call you shortly. I'm on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!
From Felix ********* to Me:
DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?
From Felix ********* to Me:
GOD DAMMIT
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?
===================================
I made another email account as Dave the Janitor...
===================================
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I'm Dave, the janitor at Mike's office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
yeah hi dave here's the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Mike didn't mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he'd get it from me on Monday.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
oh jesus christ...no... he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
So you aren't selling the fish tank?
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can't you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Tell you what, I'll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a fucking fish tank.
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Excuse me? "with a janitor?" What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don't like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn't the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You're in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don't think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I'm Felix! Sorry, I'm in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
......are you done?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I'm just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don't have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
yeah yeah.... thats enough. thanks bye
===================================
A few days later, from my original email account...
===================================
From Me to Felix *********:
Felix,
I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn't even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!
Mike
From Felix ********* to Me:
good because im not selling anything to a stupid FUCK who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You've done enough. Leave us alone.
From Felix ********* to Me:
oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE FUCKING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go fuck yourself you fucking fuckhead!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!
55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY - NO EMAILS. 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
Hey,
That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?
Mike
From Felix ********* to Me:
CALL THE NUMBER
From Me to Felix *********:
What number?
From Felix ********* to Me:
484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called that number and nobody answered.
From Felix ********* to Me:
i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.
From Felix ********* to Me:
my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:
I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?
From Felix ********* to Me:
what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!
From Me to Felix *********:
Are you sure you didn't give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.
From Felix ********* to Me:
NO!
From Me to Felix *********:
I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?
From Felix ********* to Me:
DONT SEND ME A FAX
From Felix ********* to Me:
STOP SENDING ME FAXES
From Felix ********* to Me:
SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Can't you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?
From Felix ********* to Me:
what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!
From Felix ********* to Me:
OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?
From Felix ********* to Me:
NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
From Felix ********* to Me:
GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW
From Me to Felix *********:
My apologies, I can't go back. I'm at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I'll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.
From Felix ********* to Me:
HEY! NO! FUCK THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I'M FUCKING SERIOUS
From Me to Felix *********:
Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?
From Felix ********* to Me:
YES
From Me to Felix *********:
Okay, I gave him your info. He's going to call you shortly. I'm on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!
From Felix ********* to Me:
DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?
From Felix ********* to Me:
GOD DAMMIT
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?
===================================
I made another email account as Dave the Janitor...
===================================
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I'm Dave, the janitor at Mike's office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
yeah hi dave here's the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Mike didn't mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he'd get it from me on Monday.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
oh jesus christ...no... he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
So you aren't selling the fish tank?
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can't you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Tell you what, I'll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a fucking fish tank.
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Excuse me? "with a janitor?" What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don't like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn't the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You're in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don't think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I'm Felix! Sorry, I'm in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
......are you done?
From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:
Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I'm just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don't have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.
From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:
yeah yeah.... thats enough. thanks bye
===================================
A few days later, from my original email account...
===================================
From Me to Felix *********:
Felix,
I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn't even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!
Mike
From Felix ********* to Me:
good because im not selling anything to a stupid FUCK who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You've done enough. Leave us alone.
From Felix ********* to Me:
oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE FUCKING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go fuck yourself you fucking fuckhead!!!!!!
From Me to Felix *********:
This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:
Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!
R
Robrites
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
R
Robrites
It was two o'clock in the morning...
It was two o'clock in the morning...
...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
It was two o'clock in the morning...
...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
R
Robrites
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show...
I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show...
I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.
R
Robrites
What do you feed a dog that has a fever?
What do you feed a dog that has a fever?
Mustard. It always makes a hot dog better.
What do you feed a dog that has a fever?
Mustard. It always makes a hot dog better.
R
Robrites
I thought about having a threesome...
I thought about having a threesome...
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
I thought about having a threesome...
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
