The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Hank Hemp]

Let's have a show of hands, who saw that coming? Just us studs?

 

[rod58]

there was this bacon and a egg cooking in a fry pan , jumpin about ..ow,ow shit its hot said the bacon to the egg and the egg agreed ..just then a sausage landed in the pan and it too jumped about screaming , fuckin hell , its frying in here ....
the bacon looked at the egg and said with utter amazement .." well fuck me , a talking sausage " ..............

 

[CHRONICMAN]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10156516186230571&set=p.10156516186230571&type=3


Sorry for the fuck ups.....I am just back and learning again..........

 

[Eighths-n-Aces]

Q. why is the no pregnant Barbi ?

A. because Ken comes in another box

 

[chemoboi]

Why did the cows keep returning to the cannabis farm?

It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.


btw: long live dad jokes! can't believe nobody already posted this one...

 

[mr.brunch]

My mum always used to say '40 is the new 30'.

Lovely woman. Banned from driving.

 

[CHRONICMAN]

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

 

[rockymountainJ]

Bunch of funny fckers.... lmfao Cheers everyone!!! If I was a bird I'd eat with my pecker!!!

 

[CHRONICMAN]

Oooh, the old foundation tax scam, just like Bill Gates. How generous.

Fucking lolz........

 

[dddaver]

 

[CHRONICMAN]

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

 

[CHRONICMAN]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

 

[rod58]

did ya hear about the woman that fell asleep out front of the synagogue ....
she woke up with a heavy jew on her !

 

[Midnite Toker]

My wife started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.

 

[Harry Gypsna]

Bloke says to the Missus "How's about we try a 68 tonight Luv?"
She says "WTF is a 68? Is it like a 69?"
"Yes" says the bloke. "Just like a 69, except you just suck my cock, and I owe you one".

 

[Max Headroom]

"What do you call a monkey in a minefield?"
"A Baboom"

(one of matt groenings fav. jokes according to some commentary)

 

[farmerlion]

A mom looks online on how to cure hick ups for her little boy. One article says to tie a piece of blue ribbon around his penis. She ties the ribbon and sure enough they go away. The following weekend her husband comes home drunk with the hick ups. Oh I know what to do she thinks. She grabs the last piece of blue ribbon ties it around her husbands penis and nothing happens? Well he is bigger maybe he needs more ribbon. Out of blue ribbon she tries some red ribbon. The husband wakes up to go to the bathroom. Looking at his penis seeing the ribbons the man says to himself. I don't remember what we did last night but we came in 1st and 2nd! Peace

 

[farmerlion]

I'm a clerk at an adult toy store. A lady comes in looking for a dildo. She asks how much is the white one? Before I can answer she states Oh I think I want that big black one. I tell her the price. The lady bursts out Oh My god! how much is the plaid one? I'm thinking plaid one? I turn and look, that's not for sale miss. She replies I'll give you $100.00 for it. SOLD At closing the owner comes in and asks me how the day was. I told him I sold your thermos for $100.00

 

[Harry Gypsna]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?








Nobody ever paid £100 to have a chick lentil on his face.

 

[MicroRoy]

A Higgs bosone walks into a chruch and the priest says "We don't allow Higgs bosone in here."
The Higgs says "Without me you can't have mass."