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--Lawrence Peters
I like to tell Folks How I met My Wife.
I was sitting someplace where people are and I sat next to this Pretty Girl and I said this "Thanks! But,I'm not into you right now."
She said,"My name is not but and we're getting married."
I was sitting someplace where people are and I sat next to this Pretty Girl and I said this "Thanks! But,I'm not into you right now."
She said,"My name is not but and we're getting married."
MicroRoy
Active member
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
This story made us laugh. SHARE it with your friends if it made you laugh as well!
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
This story made us laugh. SHARE it with your friends if it made you laugh as well!
The Lies We Tell At School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
They rediscover each other at a high school reunion and arrange to meet for lunch at a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Noir.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
They rediscover each other at a high school reunion and arrange to meet for lunch at a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Noir.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the bar next to that."
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the bar next to that."
U
Ununionized
Heard at the mathematics department: RRrrring.. ''..I'm sorry, the number you have dialed, is imaginary. Please rotate your phone ninety degrees, and try again....'' *clik*
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Government 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Government 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
U
Ununionized
Physics Joke:
So one day these two gamma rays go through the door of a bar...
Philosophy joke:
A chicken and an egg were in bed.
They were... getting intimate.
The egg rolled off the chicken onto the bed,
and lit a smoke. ''Well - (exhales) ...I guess we answered that question.''
Technology Joke:
After digging to a depth of 1000 feet American scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years - and came to the conclusion their ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago. People worldwide were surprised, and calls came in from around the world, everybody was on TV by their well equipment.
Oh - and go figure, the next week English scientists dug 2000 feet
and headlines in the U.K. read: "English scientists find traces of 2,000 year-old optical fiber,
conclude ancestors had advanced digital networks a thousand years earlier than Americans."
A week later, Irish newspapers reported: "After tunnelinng vertically, as deep as 5000 feet, in an exploratory research well, Irish scientists have found no wiring, absolutely nothing.
They conclude 5000 years ago, their Irish ancestors were using wireless technology already."
So one day these two gamma rays go through the door of a bar...
Philosophy joke:
A chicken and an egg were in bed.
They were... getting intimate.
The egg rolled off the chicken onto the bed,
and lit a smoke. ''Well - (exhales) ...I guess we answered that question.''
Technology Joke:
After digging to a depth of 1000 feet American scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years - and came to the conclusion their ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago. People worldwide were surprised, and calls came in from around the world, everybody was on TV by their well equipment.
Oh - and go figure, the next week English scientists dug 2000 feet
and headlines in the U.K. read: "English scientists find traces of 2,000 year-old optical fiber,
conclude ancestors had advanced digital networks a thousand years earlier than Americans."
A week later, Irish newspapers reported: "After tunnelinng vertically, as deep as 5000 feet, in an exploratory research well, Irish scientists have found no wiring, absolutely nothing.
They conclude 5000 years ago, their Irish ancestors were using wireless technology already."
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A note on the fridge ...
So after a long day at work I come home to an empty house. I proceed to the kitchen where I find a note on the fridge from my girlfriend.
"this isn't working, I'm sorry, but I just can't take it, I'm going to go live with my mother"
But then I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell was she talking about?
So after a long day at work I come home to an empty house. I proceed to the kitchen where I find a note on the fridge from my girlfriend.
"this isn't working, I'm sorry, but I just can't take it, I'm going to go live with my mother"
But then I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell was she talking about?
U
Ununionized
There was a woman who was having a baby in the hospital and the doctor said he had a procedure that could transfer the mother's pain signals to the father. The guy said he'd go with that and did, they hooked up the leads around the lady's pelvis and put some on the husband's pelvis, and they gave her a shot that initiated labor.
It worked so well they went ahead and did the same procedure with their second kid, and they simply had a wireles model they tied to the husband using dna matching spread spectrum amplification and broadcast of the labor stimulus. When the baby was born the mother kept going since the pain wasn't rising and when they asked the husband if he thought he could bear it, he said he could tough it out. When it was over the husband was exhausted, and obviously he didn't feel very good but seemed able to manage.
When they drove home from the hospital they spoke to the mail lady out front of their house filling boxes with mail. She said their regular mail man had a seizure and died driving to work that morning, so she had to fill in. Apparently he fell ill right at the main intersection by the hospital and when he pulled into the parking lot he put the car in park and died before he could get inside and get his problem checked out.
It worked so well they went ahead and did the same procedure with their second kid, and they simply had a wireles model they tied to the husband using dna matching spread spectrum amplification and broadcast of the labor stimulus. When the baby was born the mother kept going since the pain wasn't rising and when they asked the husband if he thought he could bear it, he said he could tough it out. When it was over the husband was exhausted, and obviously he didn't feel very good but seemed able to manage.
When they drove home from the hospital they spoke to the mail lady out front of their house filling boxes with mail. She said their regular mail man had a seizure and died driving to work that morning, so she had to fill in. Apparently he fell ill right at the main intersection by the hospital and when he pulled into the parking lot he put the car in park and died before he could get inside and get his problem checked out.
Two blonds are fishing in a river when they see a game warden approaching.
The game warden asks to see their fishing licenses but they say they dont have them.
The warden says they cant be fishing without licenses when one of the women says they dont need them as they are fishing with magnets on their lines, not hooks and are just fishing for metal in the river.
The warden, a bit skeptical, makes them reel in and sees that they do indeed have magnets on their lines and bids them a good day.
After he leaves one of the blonds looks at the other and says "Doesn't that warden know there are steelhead in this river?"
The game warden asks to see their fishing licenses but they say they dont have them.
The warden says they cant be fishing without licenses when one of the women says they dont need them as they are fishing with magnets on their lines, not hooks and are just fishing for metal in the river.
The warden, a bit skeptical, makes them reel in and sees that they do indeed have magnets on their lines and bids them a good day.
After he leaves one of the blonds looks at the other and says "Doesn't that warden know there are steelhead in this river?"
I like the Rotten Johnny jokes.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a fucking cat!"
My father-in law knew all the Little Willy poems by heart.
Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
"Now, Willie dear, don't scratch the paint.
Willy on the railroad track
The engine gave a squeal
The engineer just took a spade
And scraped Willy off the wheel.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a fucking cat!"
My father-in law knew all the Little Willy poems by heart.
Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his sister to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
"Now, Willie dear, don't scratch the paint.
Willy on the railroad track
The engine gave a squeal
The engineer just took a spade
And scraped Willy off the wheel.
MicroRoy
Active member
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up
chicks!
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I
think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of
the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up
chicks!
