The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

The united states announced that it was going to send a commemorative plaque to Mars with the first human mission. They sent out the word to schools all over the United States they were looking for messages of love and unity hat could be put on the plaque, and for the states of Colorado/Arizona/Utah/New Mexico - the famous 4 corners region - they picked the message from - obviously as the connection is, a darling little Navajo girl, whose mother worked at the store, just outside the Mars surface simulation area, where they all gassed up and got snacks and whatnot.

They had software translations for all of the messages except the little girl's, and since there wasn't one online anywhere, one of the employees at the simulator grounds stopped at a jewelry stand operated by some Apaches and Navajos, on the side of the highway, on the way home one night.

The next day he told his boss, ''Hey - you're gonna be really glad to hear what the little girl's message is, for our plaque!''

''What's that?'' asked the supervisor who had told the guy about the problem.

''It says, "I am warning you: Watch out for these lying, two faced *unts. They work for a giant international elitist military-industrial corporate complex; and they will always be smiling at you, like that is making you not see what they are doing to you, when they are looking everywhere for something they can steal. Kill all of them. They have come there to take your land.''

 

[t99]

What did the Challenger astronaut say to the family before take off?
You feed the dog, you feed the cat, and I'll feed the fish

 

[MicroRoy]

What is the difference between a woman and a battery?



A battery has a positive side.

 

[trichrider]

MURPHY THE PAINTER....



A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.



Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.



One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.


Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.


"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Got to love the Irish

 

[Eighths-n-Aces]

A man escapes
> from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
> house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
> bed.
> He orders
> the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
> girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
> gets up and goes into the bathroom.
> While
> he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen,
> this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
> probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a
> woman in years.
> I saw how he
> kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
> don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
> matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
> dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
> honey. I love you."
> To which his
> wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
> whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you
> were cute, and asked me if we had any
> vaseline.
> I told him
> it was in the
> bathroom.
> Be strong
> honey.
> I love you too!"
>

 

[CHRONICMAN]

......................Error.....

 

[CHRONICMAN]

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Test post.......

 

[Weezard]

I witnessed an UNBELIEVABLE dog fight. Must be in the stars right now. Mercury rising I think.

It happened on Sunday while I was at work. Some huntah guys came in for some green bottles, chili, and red dogs after a long wet morning up here in the bush. While they were waiting and talking story one of their dogs escaped their truck and got into it with another dog. This is when the unbelievable happened.

Uncle Waltah came running in and exclaimed
"Ho Cuz,my chihuahua jus killed your guyses red pit bull!"

The huntah guys all looked shocked and one them replied,
" No way your tiny dog could kill my pit bull, he even get on one cut collar."

"Try come, I show you" said Uncle Waltah "I think my dog stay stuck in its throat!"

 

[CHRONICMAN]

 

[dddaver]

What do all the female deer do when all the Reindeer go out on X-mas eve?

They go into town...and blow a few bucks....

 

[Rhinogain]

Guy walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He points to one and asks the price. The clerk says, that one is $10,000.
The guy says, wtf, and the clerk says, well, it can squawk the entire works of Bethoven on command. So the guy says, I can see that, what about this one. The clerk says, well, that one is 30k.
The guy says, that's ridiculous. What does IT do? The clerk says, well we don't know, but the other parrot calls him Maestro.

 

[Lester Beans]

A little boy writes a letter to Santa, dear Santa, please send me a sister for Christmas.

Santa replies, ok, sure, send me your Mom.

Chuckles

 

[MicroRoy]

When I was in grade four. We were putting on a play. At one point a kid went to pee. The teacher made a brilliant move. To fill up some time. She turned to a girl and told her to go out and tell a joke to fill time.

The girl came and asked. Do you know a joke? I told her the last joke I herd.

Gomer Pyle and Lou Ann were at the drive inn. Homer asks Lou Ann. Can I put myfinger in your belly buttion. She says ok.

After a while she says oh Gomer that's not my belly button. Then Gomer said SUPRISE SUPRISE SUPRISE that's not my finger.

She went out and told it. No one laughed.

 

[MicroRoy]

Two fish are in a tank.
.
.
.
What does the first fish ask the second fish?
.
.
.
.
.
Do you know how to drive this thing?

 

[Littleleaf]

This is a little song my granddad told me back in the 70s. He was full on perv...

sing along.

In the shade of the old apple tree....between her fare legs I could see. A little blond spot with the hair in a knot. That looked mighty fine to meeeee.

So I tickled her tit and asked her if it would fit.

OH!!! That will doooo So we had a nice screw. In the shade of the old apple treeeeeee......

 

[Rhinogain]

First dog says to the second dog. "dude, if totally bored, you want to hear a joke?" To which dog 2 says OK, let's gear a joke. Dog 1 says "knock knock..." Both digs start barking their ass off.

 

[Rhinogain]

That's also a joke about the worst spell checker ever.

 

[Weezard]

Had to stop using smell checker.
Got tired of it's shirt!

 

[CHRONICMAN]

Testing......

Testing......

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[CHRONICMAN]

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