The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Capt.Ahab]

A friend emailed me this a couple days ago.

I am chicken hear me roar
Ive got the blood of a dinosaur

I walk on two legs like T-Rex
And we share long skinny necks

Three clawed toes at the end of our legs
And of course we both lay eggs

So if you eat the eggs I lay
You're ingesting dinosaur DNA

 

[MicroRoy]

The man who invented autocorrect Has died. His funfair Is next monkey.

 

[BruceBanner]

We need to make a marshmallow strain
http://www.iflscience.com/physics/something-very-weird-happens-when-you-put-marshmallows-vacuum

 

[Hank Hemp]

Hey saamseed, ain't jr. hi over yet?

 

[MicroRoy]

A lady went for a tryout to be the church organist. When she got there she sat at the organ to warm up. Then she noticed a smaller key board and was curious. She pressed on a key and heard nothing. Then she played a little tune.

Just then the Priest storms into the church and says in a loud tone. Who is playing three blind mice on the church bells.

 

[dddaver]

 

[superx]

Some fucker knocks my door very early this morning.

Freaked out, i run down the stairs and open my door,

Guess what, it was a load of folks trying to sell me brown bread...

I said WHAT, brown bread? fuck off you HOVIS witnesses........

 

[MicroRoy]

Today we celebrate international womans day.

It was going to be yesterday.

But it took them to long to get ready.

 

[Huckster79]

What does pussy juice and fine whisky have in common?

They both taste great and make you do really stupid shit

 

[HOPS5K]

You know, they say marijuana leads to violence and I say that's bullshit..but, when I'm high, I'm a serious threat to a ham and cheese sandwich.

 

[HOPS5K]

Donald Trump just looks like an oversized oompa loompa...he's got the hair, the orange complexion going on..."Oompa loompa doopidy doo, I'm gonna build a wall so screw you, oompa loompa."

 

[Weezard]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train ~ he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly....

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,?'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!? That's a great idea' he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

[MicroRoy]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Capt.Ahab]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender " Give me ten shots of your best top shelf . Hurry up I need ten shots".
The bartender looks at him and says "Wow, ten shots of top shelf whats going on?"
The guy says " If you had what I have you would want ten shots too!"
"OK, says the bartender but that is going to be around 200 bucks!"
The guy says I dont care and bam bam bam he downs all the shots.
The bartender is astounded. "Whoa, what the heck do you have"
The guy looks at him and says "two bucks".

 

[MicroRoy]

If at first you don't succeed.
Read the directions. ​

 

[Robrites]

 

[MicroRoy]

"Friends are like underware. Some stay up your butt, some get a little sideways, some are holy, some are cheap, & some actually cover your arse." ​

 

[RudeDog]

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?


They wouldn't bother, they'd beat the room for being black.

 

[superx]

What is the difference between a rabbit and a hare ?

You can pull a hare from your ass, but you wouldnt pull a rabbit from your ass..

 

[Weezard]

What is the difference between a rabbit and a hare ?

You can pull a hare from your ass, but you wouldnt pull a rabbit from your ass..

What's up doc?
A gerbil, but not a rabbit.