The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

I was reading the news.

One of the commenters told this, phrased a little differently
Out of the Blue: The Colorado Health Care joke

hibeam says:
20 minutes ago

Colorado Health Care...

1) My eye fell out..

2) My brain is all swolled up

3) I broke my leg

"Here..." reaches into drawer...

"Suck on this bong pipe!"

 

[yortbogey]

Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

 

[t99]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[MicroRoy]

If you throw a cat out the window of your truck what do you get?

Kitty litter.

No amimals were harmed in the telling of this joke.

 

[99%]

Ever notice how the heart symbol, when turned upside down, looks like a set of balls?

 

[TerpeneDream]

I thought I was going to see a med-man joke...

 

[MicroRoy]

Whats the fastest way to get on touch with your inner self?

Buy cheep toilet paper.

 

[Cannabis]

Why is my federal daddy they installed for me in Washington named O'Bammy,

like Moses of old?

Wandering around in the boondocks for years, no clue what he's doing or where the f*** he's going,

blaming it on a burning Bush he said was talking all kinds of strong shit, and who he claims
wouldn't stop burning, and burning, and talking, and burning..

Having dealt with said burning Bush, going to a major leader in the mid east telling him ''free the people or else there'll be hell to pay'' until the leader got mad,

whips up an army,

and runs his ass out of the country.

Both of them were given a higher more refined law

from the power that caused the Bush to burn before him;

but finding his own people to be brainsless, soulless animals who couldn't be trusted to turn your back to walk off from, to go do something else,

he just destroyed that law law by breaking it to pieces himself while they watched,

because there was no way in hell his people were going to be able to act civilized enough to obey that.

Each then said he was going to just do things by his own executive edict, giving the people a law in his own name,

rather than trying to give them a higher law from the power which had caused the Bush to burn before him.

 

[Cannabis]

I'm part Chinese and I went to the currency place with my grandma so she could get money exchanged for yen.

The guy told her he would only give her 100 dollars for yen when he had been giving her 200 then 150, so on.

She asked him: WHY you no give two hundred dollah for YEN!?

WHY you no give hundred fifty dollah for YEN?

The man tried to tell her, saying ''Fluctuations Ms Han.. Fluctuations!''

''FluctuamERicans Mr Smith ..fluctuamERicans!

 

[Cannabis]

My friend told me about onions, the vegetable whose juice makes you cry.

I told him ''There's another food that the juice makes you cry, too, it's coconut.''

He told me no way but I hit him in the eye with one, he cried like a baby.

 

[GSC]

let's all laugh at this lady... https://vid.me/Oc9C

 

[Weezard]

Laugh?!

That poor soul makes me very sad.
She seems beyond help.

 

[MicroRoy]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
.
.

.
.
Ask them to pronounce unionized.

 

[MicroRoy]

The lady at the grocery store was going through the bin of frozen turkeys. She could not find one big enough for her family.
She got the attention of the stock boy and asked. Do these get any bigger?
.
.



The stocker said no mam. They are dead.

 

[MicroRoy]

 

[Cannabis]

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."

She then asked the class, "How could I best correct this sentence?"

One of the kids raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

---

A woman visited her doctor. ''I have the problem that...everytime I sneeze, I have an orgasm.''

''What have you been doing about it?'' asked the Dr.

''Snorting pepper,'' she replied.

---

What's the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

---

Ever wonder: what does a Facebook employee do to waste time at work?

---

Someone discovered my password.

Now I have to rename my dog.

 

[Cannabis]

A man who wrote mathematics books killed himself.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates St Peter said 'what seemed to be wrong?'

The man said ''I felt like nobody understood me.''

---

A man in Russia wanted to buy some dog food so he put it on the counter. The cashier said ''sir do you have a dog? I need to be able to verify you own a dog before selling you dog food.''

So he goes home and gets his dog, brings it to the cashier to see. He also puts a paper bag on the counter. The cashier reaches inside, and says ''Ok so it's soft, warm, and squishy.''

The man says ''I also need to get some toilet paper.''

---

A man who was a cab driver picked up a rather plain looking nun at a corner. ''Where to Sister?''

''Around to 83rd, the corner of Hastings."

Part way there the cab driver confesses, that ''Sister, I have always had a secret desire. It is to get oral pleasure from a nun. Is that strange of me? ''

She says ''Well, are you Catholic?''

''I am.''

She says, ''Are you single?''

"I am.''

"Pull over in that alley there, and stop the car young man.''

So he does, and she does, and when it's all over, the nun climbs back into the back seat and says Okay, take me to where I said.''

The cabbie starts crying and shaking his head. ''What's wrong my son?'' asks the nun.

''Sister.. I'm actually not Catholic. I'm Jewish. And I'm not really single. I'm married!''

''My son it will be okay. My name's actually Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.''

---

Two gay men had a baby. The artificial insemination had worked fine and the baby was there in the infant's area, quietly sleeping.

''Oh how wonderful! He's SO quiet!''

''He's quiet now,'' said the nurse, ''but just wait till we take the pacifier out of his a**.''

 

[Cannabis]

Teacher asked children to come up with a story that had a moral.

There were several, most notable one, about a little girl who had a chicken which laid some eggs. She made deals with friends to sell the little chicks, but the light bulb went out on the incubator and the eggs died. She notified the class the moral of her story was ''Don't count your chickens before they hatch.''

The last boy, Johnny, said ''I had an uncle named Theodore who was a pilot in the Vietnam war. One time he was shot down behind enemy lines with only a quart of Tequila, a battle rifle, and a machete.''

''When Theodore crashed he had hurt his ribs so he drank the Tequila. By that time the NVA had surrounded his plane and were moving in. He killed 60 of them with his battle rifle and then went crazy with the machete, working the ENTIRE CIRCLE until he killed, every single Vietnamese soldier.''

The teacher was wondering just what the 'moral' of this story was so she enquired, ''What's the moral of the story Johnny?''

Johnny shrugged and said ''I guess don't f*** with uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

 

[Cannabis]

A soldier came in late from the field to find out all the bunks were taken. The ONE room he could get a bed in, there was another a***hole already asleep in there SNORING to vibrate the freakin RAFTERS. UnbeLIEVEable noise. Several guys had already tried to room with the guy but there was just never any letup to the unbelievable noise.

About two minutes after the army guy went into the room, the ENTIRE racket just stopped: on a dime - and never started again, the WHOLE night.

People couldn't believe it. They were all asking him the next morning, how he was able to get the guy to stop it. They'd tried cursing, throwing stuff...

''Easy'' said the soldier. ''I stripped down to my skivvies and woke him up. I said ''Hey - I'm home, sweetie."

"I'm gonna go get a shower, and come back in here,
and then,
I'm gonna be real nice, and
we're gonna make SWEET love!''

''After that'' the guy said, ''He just pulled himself up on his pillow a little, and never made another sound.''

 

[rod58]

whats a pussy and a tin roof have in common ?........



..if they are not nailed hard enough they could both end up at the neighbors ...