The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

I uh... well, I tried out the rural life, farming for my food. After a few years, working that farm, it got to where I couldn't really pay for the gas, to plow the whole thing.

So I talked to my wife, and she said she'd heard about plowing your fields with a horse;

she said, back in the old days, that's all they really had, that and cows. She said that

in the past at times, people had even put dogs, and actual human beings, plowing.

So I figured you know, - ya start off with a smaller animal then work up; so first I went out and hooked up my dog, but that was a fail.

So I tried to find a horse to plow my field, and finally got one off Craigslist, and it seemed like an alright horse - but I don't see how the hell people used to plow just using
animals, cause even with the plow set, to just a COUPLE of inches in, (the ground) that horse couldn't even BUDGE the tractor.

 

[Cannabis]

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

 

[Cannabis]

..Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "...and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned,

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your f****g cat.

 

[Cannabis]

I broke down way out in the country near a farm, on a stormy night.

I braved the storm to reach a farmhouse, to seek refuge for the night.

When I asked the farmer if he could accommodate me, he said,
"I only have four bedrooms. My life partner and I share one, and the other three,
are occupied by our adopted three, gay sons.
You will have to share!"

I thought,
"Aw man f*** I'm in the wrong JOKE!"

 

[Cannabis]

My sister was in tears because on the way to work she broke down because her clutch cable broke. She walked home to come in and find her hubby, boinking the neighbor.

"What can I do to keep my LIFE together?!'' she sobbed.

I told her, ''Well - obviously the first thing, is start maintaining your car.''

 

[Cannabis]

My wife's a vegetarian and she told me I live too much like a welder and not enough like a gentleman, always eating steak and eggs and stuff like that while she has to sit there and watch.

And, that if I was really the gentleman she thought she married, I'd cook dinner for us. I did what she said.

I sat her at the table and taking the lid off a beautiful steaming dish I pulled right from the oven with the mitt thing.

Her eyes got big and she said ''Mmm, that smells delicious!'

She took a big bite and said ''Oh honey! this IS delicious!"
She asked me what I had made for her, and I told her I got on the internet and that I had made her a

''Vegetarian Surprise" casserole.

She beamed on that one, all lit up smiling,
and taking another big bite of it she asked me - ''What's the surprise?''

And I told her - 'It's got bacon in it!'

 

[Cannabis]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left,

the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right,

the statistician yells “We got ’em!”

 

[t99]

I was going to tell an anal joke ...... butt fuck it.

 

[Cannabis]

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

 

[Weezard]

Then of course, there was the town where criminals were so tough they
attacked people with chewed-off shotguns.

 

[thegambler]

Hey Cannabis......don't give up your day job!

 

[Cannabis]

Job?

Job?

the joke's on you guys, I'm a homeless mentally ill man. I live at the library.

I also hang out at the corner of Wal Mart and the Highway to get money for something to drink on occasion,

but I don't know if that's really what u would call a JOB... it's more like a HOBBY, seems to me...

I gotta let the man have his phone back now he letme use it a minute when he gave me $5 out hear

thanks for your advice yu seam laik a smart man mrgambler

by4now

C

Hey Cannabis......don't give up your day job!

 

[LEF]

I liked the cow one

 

[Cannabis]

I don't even actually use marijuana or know anything about the way you people live - I just can't afford to take all my stuff in and out of the library. So I join all kinds of clubs and blogs online and spend my days describing the life I would have done if I could have done what I should have done so I wasn't back on the lam again.

I talk so everyone thinks I am part of the top 1% of something.

But as you all have discovered it is just the top 1% of bullshitters.

I am also a:

retired bull rider with a large ranch in Montana,

fireman on hiatus in the country at my luxury estate I bought after my lawsuit when a recent automobile fire gave me ptsd

a student training as an astronaut for N.A.S.A. in a secluded training facility

a Nigerial prince with a beautiful horse named 'Habeeb.'

Since the library closes early today I must cut short my ride on Habeeb, my underwater weightless training, and managing my dental floss trees in the mountains, from astride my high powered Yamaha four-wheeler. (I contract myself to also oversee my fireman's estate using the same Yamaha, to give myself more time to toil in the shade of the large vineyard I'm developing a global warming resistant grape on, so I can get money to donate another wing to the children's hospital -

and I'm gonna go down to the soup kitchen and see if they'll give me some packages of koolaid I can shake up in bottles of Thunderbird

to make me some Ripple,

after I eat the deer stew they made me from the big one the man hit with his reinforced bumper on his pickup truck.

Peace to all of you who also live in the library.
Sometimes I think when we are typing,
I am talking to you because

I see you looking over at me, like, 'i'm talking to you, you're talking to me, and you don't know it, HAH ha HAH!.'


C

 

[Cannabis]

Julius Caesar walks into a bar.
"I'll have a martinus,"
he says.

The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Do you mean a 'martini'?"
"Look," Caesar retorts,

"If I wanted a double, I'd have ASKED for it!"

 

[Cannabis]

Blind man walks into bar, asks, ''Who wants to hear a blonde joke?

Lady walks over she's worked out and ripped: Hey mister I'm an MMA fighter, 5'9 and built like a bull. I fight mean lesbians and transgender men from Brazil for money. I'm blonde.

The bartender has a black belt in several martial arts; he's 6'2'' and blonde.

The gal I'm drinking with is a wildfire hotshot who jumps into forest fires from planes. She's 5'10 and takes no shit from anybody. She's blond. Are you SURE you want to tell a blonde joke?

''Well'' says the blind guy, ''Not if I'm going to have to tell it 3 times...''

 

[trichrider]

https://www.facebook.com/keeptheheat/videos/vb.43292177068/10153581194242069/?type=2&theater

i know, but it's funny....

 

[noyd666]

Then of course, there was the town where criminals were so tough they
attacked people with chewed-off shotguns.

here's the proof.

 

[bigganjabud]

What do you call an Arabic drug dealer?

Avadabofthis

What do you call he's twin brother?

Aveadabofthat

 

[rod58]

so the grade two teacher gave the kiddies a talk about your skin and how important it is ...at the end she asked the class if they would change it in any way ...
jenny put up her hand , yes jenny , what would you change , well miss i would like my skin to be made of gold so i could shave a bit off and buy a rolls royce ...
yes michael , what would you change , well miss , i would like my skin to be made of platinum so i could shave a bit off and buy a maserati .....
little johnny put his hand up ,..teacher sighs ... yes johnny what would you like ..well miss , i would like my skin to be made of short , black , curly hair.....cos my sister mary has a patch about this big and you should see all the fucking cars out the front of our place ......