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it's ironic that Jared Fogle's career both started and ended just because he was trying to get into smaller pants 
So a pirate walked into a bar,
and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel
fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I
got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.
"The bartender replied, well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another
battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut
off.
I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a
flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel
fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I
got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.
"The bartender replied, well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another
battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut
off.
I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a
flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
I've got 2 for you.
What do you call a bass player who has split up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!
What do you say to gender studies graduate at their place of employment?
Yes, I would like fries with that, thanks.
What do you call a bass player who has split up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!
What do you say to gender studies graduate at their place of employment?
Yes, I would like fries with that, thanks.
A student says to the other student, "I used to constantly confuse causation with correlation.
Second student says 'Oh?'
Student says 'Yeah. I took a statistics class so I don't do that anymore.''
Second student says ''So the statistics class helped.''
Student says ''Maybe..... maybe NOT.''
Second student says 'Oh?'
Student says 'Yeah. I took a statistics class so I don't do that anymore.''
Second student says ''So the statistics class helped.''
Student says ''Maybe..... maybe NOT.''
MicroRoy
Active member
Old joke with a thought....
What's the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm so drunk!"
But when a red head says I'm drunk. Guys think...."damn... do I have bail money?, where is the shovel?, does she really have a gun? OR hey call the fire department she's burning shit again."
What's the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm so drunk!"
But when a red head says I'm drunk. Guys think...."damn... do I have bail money?, where is the shovel?, does she really have a gun? OR hey call the fire department she's burning shit again."
MicroRoy
Active member
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
AND I'M SORRY, BUT DUE TO OBAMACARE THEY TURNED YOU DOWN :*
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
AND I'M SORRY, BUT DUE TO OBAMACARE THEY TURNED YOU DOWN :*
I was going to tell you all a joke about my dick, but....it's too long.
MicroRoy
Active member
If it was 12, I'd be looking into reduction surgery, or seeing if I can donate some inches to those less fortunate.
TBH, if I could trade 2 inches of cock for 2 inches of height, I'd do it tomorrow!
I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish i was a baller....yada yada....
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids
who would sneak into his patch at night and steal his watermelons.
After some careful thought,
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign: which read,
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with poison."
The kids went and got a marker, and came back: they marked out 'ONE'
wrote 'TWO',
and left it at that.
who would sneak into his patch at night and steal his watermelons.
After some careful thought,
he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign: which read,
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with poison."
The kids went and got a marker, and came back: they marked out 'ONE'
wrote 'TWO',
and left it at that.
Dick Cheney and George W Bush were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Dick, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Dick shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Newt Gingrich pitched in saying, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Condoleezza Rice rolled her eyes, looked at all of them and thought, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country very happy."
George looked at Dick, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Dick shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Newt Gingrich pitched in saying, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Condoleezza Rice rolled her eyes, looked at all of them and thought, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country very happy."
It's a strange business when two men and a woman
get some beer,
and get on a boat
to go check their pot
and they're happy when they all come back before dark,
with crabs.
And they're still happy, after they all sober up
and have to go to work Monday morning.
{crabs are caught, in a pot. people go out, catch a pot full of crabs, and ... well ...anyway, it sounded funnier in my head when I was making it up. Okay I didn't make it up. Okay I was with a hooker at lunch. And I stole those Teen Beat magazines, but I was just going to come back and pay for them when I came back tonight, see, I live just up the road. Well, yes those are my handcuffs and rope, but I never burglarized a place in my life. That was all a big mix-up in Portland, that woman was stalking me.}
get some beer,
and get on a boat
to go check their pot
and they're happy when they all come back before dark,
with crabs.
And they're still happy, after they all sober up
and have to go to work Monday morning.
{crabs are caught, in a pot. people go out, catch a pot full of crabs, and ... well ...anyway, it sounded funnier in my head when I was making it up. Okay I didn't make it up. Okay I was with a hooker at lunch. And I stole those Teen Beat magazines, but I was just going to come back and pay for them when I came back tonight, see, I live just up the road. Well, yes those are my handcuffs and rope, but I never burglarized a place in my life. That was all a big mix-up in Portland, that woman was stalking me.}
