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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by a
fierce tribe of locals they came to husle somehow or other.
The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you
and
then use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save queen!"
and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork
and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams,
"What are you doing
The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs,
"So much for your canoe!"
fierce tribe of locals they came to husle somehow or other.
The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you
and
then use your skins to build a canoe.
The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."
The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save queen!"
and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork
and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams,
"What are you doing
The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs,
"So much for your canoe!"
One time after a little public relations jaunt to one of the East Bloc countries he'd sorta levered around to a little less blood genocide than normal, Bill Clinton was getting off the big helicopter on the lawn at the White House.
He had his guys and gals out raising public awareness of his big trip, by importing whoever they could get and giving them flags and all this,
and there's like... 10,000 people total, all around town and a GRIP of em clustered around the White House.
There were House Tour tourists, and one of em kinda smiled, and figured it's a photo moment, so he remarks, about these two little baby pigs,
(for Arkansas's RazerBacks teams) the Pres, has got under each arm; the Pres is lookin smug like ... ''what are people gonna say to me, with these pigs under my arms, walking to my own entrance?''
It was really close enough and they were THERE
so he COULD interact,
everything was all staged ya know.
So... one of the young late-teens/early twenty-somethings says
''Those are some MIGHTY FINE looking PIGS, sir, where'd you get em?
Bill kinda smiled that smile he's got, and says,
"These aren't pigs, these are Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one here, for Hillary, and I got this one here, for Chelsea - see?"
He held em out there, with their little bows, for everybody to be able to get some quick clicks in, with him BEAMING over these hogs,
and the man said,
"EXCELLENT trade, Sir."
He had his guys and gals out raising public awareness of his big trip, by importing whoever they could get and giving them flags and all this,
and there's like... 10,000 people total, all around town and a GRIP of em clustered around the White House.
There were House Tour tourists, and one of em kinda smiled, and figured it's a photo moment, so he remarks, about these two little baby pigs,
(for Arkansas's RazerBacks teams) the Pres, has got under each arm; the Pres is lookin smug like ... ''what are people gonna say to me, with these pigs under my arms, walking to my own entrance?''
It was really close enough and they were THERE
so he COULD interact,
everything was all staged ya know.
So... one of the young late-teens/early twenty-somethings says
''Those are some MIGHTY FINE looking PIGS, sir, where'd you get em?
Bill kinda smiled that smile he's got, and says,
"These aren't pigs, these are Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one here, for Hillary, and I got this one here, for Chelsea - see?"
He held em out there, with their little bows, for everybody to be able to get some quick clicks in, with him BEAMING over these hogs,
and the man said,
"EXCELLENT trade, Sir."
One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a Democratic senator was coming in three weeks.
She asked the kids, if there was ...maybe something they'd like to tell the Senator, an Esquire from a wealthy, Northeastern state.
One of the little girls raised her hand, and she seemed pleasantly refreshed to have something wonderful to share about HER life, and maybe ask him..
"Yes, Susie?"
"Well- ...my dog just had puppies: and they are ALL Democrats!"
Oh, JoY!, you know how that went over, this young woman prepping these kids to say no to the straight and narrow, and get a hand on life: solve their generation's problems by facing them head on! Activism and Civic Spirit in one individual - much less a whole CLASS - all over the country, ...the world..
So finally the Senator arrived on his appointed date; and the teacher said
"Susie, what did you want to tell the senator?"
"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."
"And what are they?"
"They're ALL Republican!"
"Susie, you told me they were all Democrats."
"Yeah, well, ..that was three weeks ago when they didn't know anything at all and were completely blind. Their eyes are open now."
She asked the kids, if there was ...maybe something they'd like to tell the Senator, an Esquire from a wealthy, Northeastern state.
One of the little girls raised her hand, and she seemed pleasantly refreshed to have something wonderful to share about HER life, and maybe ask him..
"Yes, Susie?"
"Well- ...my dog just had puppies: and they are ALL Democrats!"
Oh, JoY!, you know how that went over, this young woman prepping these kids to say no to the straight and narrow, and get a hand on life: solve their generation's problems by facing them head on! Activism and Civic Spirit in one individual - much less a whole CLASS - all over the country, ...the world..
So finally the Senator arrived on his appointed date; and the teacher said
"Susie, what did you want to tell the senator?"
"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."
"And what are they?"
"They're ALL Republican!"
"Susie, you told me they were all Democrats."
"Yeah, well, ..that was three weeks ago when they didn't know anything at all and were completely blind. Their eyes are open now."
I realize that prolly shoulda been written the other way around, but it's in line and kinda participatory in that joke that when you're 18 if you're not a Democrat you don't have any heart: and that when you''re 40, if you're not a Republican, you don't have any brains.
yeah, what if you are almost 60 and realize that they are almost ALL lying pieces of shit and should have been smothered at birth?
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Tourists were starting to despair. Miles and miles of gorgeous mountains, meadows, a few fish they'd caught - but they were lost. The more forward of the tourists said to the guide
''We paid you a LOTTA MONEY for you to guide us on this trip and we're still lost??? What happened to you being
" The Best Guide in Colorado? "
The silence was strong, the guide's voice was weak.. ''I uh...''
''I WAS, but... I think maybe... we're in Wyoming now.''
''We paid you a LOTTA MONEY for you to guide us on this trip and we're still lost??? What happened to you being
" The Best Guide in Colorado? "
The silence was strong, the guide's voice was weak.. ''I uh...''
''I WAS, but... I think maybe... we're in Wyoming now.''
A raging sleet, rain, and wind storm was ravaging the entire mountain area, north to south, bitterly cold, North-Easterly winds blowing enough to stimulate a weather channel camera man.
A priest is warm - its dark and cozy in the church as the candles light the wooden walls; the atmosphere in the little church, is enough to make one actually ponder a life of virtue and personal self management leading to the blessings of a happy, well run home.
The door opens. The warmth begins leaking out of the room - the huge door is ever so slowly opening.
A drunk walks in, obviously stoned on booze and covered in filth.
He hardly nods at the priest and simply drags himself to the confessional.
The priest understands what's about to happen because his little church by the highway has helped many a weary traveler.
A confession of being somehow off the right track,
a spoken hope of getting it together,
then invitation to a meal, some warm clothes and a hot shower, a night's sleep,
and back to the search for that happiness that eludes so many.
The priest enters the confessional but isn't greeted by the drunk. Rather, the priest notices how bad the drunkard smells like a cross somewhere between shit and a shirt that hasn't been changed in about two months.
The priest knocks on the confessional screen to let the drunk know he's ready to hear him.
No reply - but the drunk is moaning softly
'Oh Lord, how could it come to this?''
The priest knocks again. ''It's no use... just leave me be!'' the drunk says through the screen.
He waits a little longer; sometimes the difficult things take time to put into proper perspective.
He knocks again.
''I told ya it's no USE,
there ain't no toilet paper,
in THIS'N NEITHER!''
A priest is warm - its dark and cozy in the church as the candles light the wooden walls; the atmosphere in the little church, is enough to make one actually ponder a life of virtue and personal self management leading to the blessings of a happy, well run home.
The door opens. The warmth begins leaking out of the room - the huge door is ever so slowly opening.
A drunk walks in, obviously stoned on booze and covered in filth.
He hardly nods at the priest and simply drags himself to the confessional.
The priest understands what's about to happen because his little church by the highway has helped many a weary traveler.
A confession of being somehow off the right track,
a spoken hope of getting it together,
then invitation to a meal, some warm clothes and a hot shower, a night's sleep,
and back to the search for that happiness that eludes so many.
The priest enters the confessional but isn't greeted by the drunk. Rather, the priest notices how bad the drunkard smells like a cross somewhere between shit and a shirt that hasn't been changed in about two months.
The priest knocks on the confessional screen to let the drunk know he's ready to hear him.
No reply - but the drunk is moaning softly
'Oh Lord, how could it come to this?''
The priest knocks again. ''It's no use... just leave me be!'' the drunk says through the screen.
He waits a little longer; sometimes the difficult things take time to put into proper perspective.
He knocks again.
''I told ya it's no USE,
there ain't no toilet paper,
in THIS'N NEITHER!''
A dad was trying to figure out how to explain the way the world worked to his son. Dad worked hard to provide him with all he needed so he wanted to make sure his son could truly comprehend what was going on.
''Son,'' dad begins, ''the world is divided into classes of people unfortunately or not, and it's important you understand the relationships between these because if you do, the whole rest of your life will work out better, because you won't always be at odds with the circumstances that are giving you all these things you need.''
The son looks interested. ''First off son, there's the wealth generation class: like me. I go out and work and exercise risk. In exchange I get to keep what I generate through thinking and moving when the time seems right, and I bring back money. This has a name. It's called
'Capitalism.'
Then, there's your mother. She administrates and makes sure all this stays working. She takes what I make and distributes it so everything gets taken care of, and this is like what we call,
'The Government.'
The lady who works for your mother around the house: she doesn't get any pension, there's not a lot of gratitude and very limited privileges, she doesn't get paid much, just enough to get by, and she has to stay busy, or she'll get in trouble, because somebody's always looking over her shoulder, trying to micro-manage everything she does, because everybody thinks because she's poor and always working, they must be her boss. She represents what you call,
'The Working Poor.'
You, son, are the reason all this exists: so we can refer to you as
'the People.
Your little brother there we could say, is
'The Future.' You go give that a good long think, and look around you. Ponder what all this really is and come back and tell me.''
Later on that night the boy hears his brother crying in his crib. He goes over and checks and the kid has crapped in his diaper till it's all over him.
He pads down the hall, and tries to wake the nanny up but she doesn't answer when he knocks; so he goes down to his parents' room and there's his mom, having knocked herself out with a martini and some kinda pills, snoring softly. She won't wake up so he tries to wake up his dad, but his dad's up late and isn't in bed yet.
He goes back down the hall, and frustrated, he looks into the key hole of the nanny's room, and there's his dad - making ardent love to the nanny! He doesn't know what to do, but he has a darn good idea what he ought NOT do, so dejected, he puts his head down and goes back to his room, where he gets back in bed and spends the rest of a fitful night.
After school the next day his dad's got him cornered at the dinner table and he pressures his son to expand a little on the concept he'd been trying to get his son to understand.
''Did'ja think about all those different parts I told you about yesterday, while you were going through your day?''
''Yeah, I did, dad. I've come to the conclusion, that while Capitalism is screwing the Working Poor, the Government is apparently willingly comotose, so it can be completely oblivious; the People are being ignored, and the Future, is mired in a lot of shit that's gonna have to be completely gotten rid of, if the People are ever gonna get any relief.''
''Son,'' dad begins, ''the world is divided into classes of people unfortunately or not, and it's important you understand the relationships between these because if you do, the whole rest of your life will work out better, because you won't always be at odds with the circumstances that are giving you all these things you need.''
The son looks interested. ''First off son, there's the wealth generation class: like me. I go out and work and exercise risk. In exchange I get to keep what I generate through thinking and moving when the time seems right, and I bring back money. This has a name. It's called
'Capitalism.'
Then, there's your mother. She administrates and makes sure all this stays working. She takes what I make and distributes it so everything gets taken care of, and this is like what we call,
'The Government.'
The lady who works for your mother around the house: she doesn't get any pension, there's not a lot of gratitude and very limited privileges, she doesn't get paid much, just enough to get by, and she has to stay busy, or she'll get in trouble, because somebody's always looking over her shoulder, trying to micro-manage everything she does, because everybody thinks because she's poor and always working, they must be her boss. She represents what you call,
'The Working Poor.'
You, son, are the reason all this exists: so we can refer to you as
'the People.
Your little brother there we could say, is
'The Future.' You go give that a good long think, and look around you. Ponder what all this really is and come back and tell me.''
Later on that night the boy hears his brother crying in his crib. He goes over and checks and the kid has crapped in his diaper till it's all over him.
He pads down the hall, and tries to wake the nanny up but she doesn't answer when he knocks; so he goes down to his parents' room and there's his mom, having knocked herself out with a martini and some kinda pills, snoring softly. She won't wake up so he tries to wake up his dad, but his dad's up late and isn't in bed yet.
He goes back down the hall, and frustrated, he looks into the key hole of the nanny's room, and there's his dad - making ardent love to the nanny! He doesn't know what to do, but he has a darn good idea what he ought NOT do, so dejected, he puts his head down and goes back to his room, where he gets back in bed and spends the rest of a fitful night.
After school the next day his dad's got him cornered at the dinner table and he pressures his son to expand a little on the concept he'd been trying to get his son to understand.
''Did'ja think about all those different parts I told you about yesterday, while you were going through your day?''
''Yeah, I did, dad. I've come to the conclusion, that while Capitalism is screwing the Working Poor, the Government is apparently willingly comotose, so it can be completely oblivious; the People are being ignored, and the Future, is mired in a lot of shit that's gonna have to be completely gotten rid of, if the People are ever gonna get any relief.''
Hahahahahahahaha nice one Cannabis!
A farmer lived by a highway with a stretch of road notorious for it's accidental deaths.
Once during the election cycle a band of politicians in a little rental car were hauling it fast down the road in the middle of the night when it'd been raining,
they completely missed the curve that wrecked them, and flew diRECTLY into a tree: BLAM!
The farmer came out and buried them all, taking up quite a bit of his day.
The police asked him how the men got under the dirt out there and he said he did it, using his front end loader, because they were gonna start smelling and being attacked by animals.
So the state policeman, noting the farmer's civic minded respect for the duly, dearly departed, says, ''...so, they were all dead, when you got here in the morning?''
''Two of em were for sure. The other two said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie...''
Once during the election cycle a band of politicians in a little rental car were hauling it fast down the road in the middle of the night when it'd been raining,
they completely missed the curve that wrecked them, and flew diRECTLY into a tree: BLAM!
The farmer came out and buried them all, taking up quite a bit of his day.
The police asked him how the men got under the dirt out there and he said he did it, using his front end loader, because they were gonna start smelling and being attacked by animals.
So the state policeman, noting the farmer's civic minded respect for the duly, dearly departed, says, ''...so, they were all dead, when you got here in the morning?''
''Two of em were for sure. The other two said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie...''
A man confided to his psychologist "My whole family's crazy. My brother thinks he's a CHICKEN. He goes around, sometimes we see him out in the yard, licking up sand. He says it helps his gizzard. Sometimes when the sun sets, he climbs up on the banister on the porch, and just squats on it, with one foot raised up and his nose under his armpit like it's his beak under a wing, till somebody wakes him up.''
The therapist says ''Why don't you call someone and have him treated for it?''
''Well.. I WOULD... but ...we need the eggs.''
The therapist says ''Why don't you call someone and have him treated for it?''
''Well.. I WOULD... but ...we need the eggs.''
One time three guys were in a shipwreck and swam to a little, tiny island, so small they could barely even get out of the waves.
A bottle was lodged in the sand and since they couldn't see in it they figured they'd pop it open and see if there was water or anything to drink.
To their surprise, a genie popped out, and said ''I can grant you all, three wishes - nothing more.''
The first guy says ''I wish I was back at home having a big steak dinner with my family.''
*poof* like a little soap bubble that popped, he was gone.
The second guy said ''I wish I was at my favorite billiards bar, having a BIG ol' beer and some pizza, shooting some pool with my bros who think I'm dead.''
*snap* like MAGIC: he was gone.
The third guy said, ''It's CREEEPy lonely starving from exposure and dehydration, I wish I had some people to be with me!''
A bottle was lodged in the sand and since they couldn't see in it they figured they'd pop it open and see if there was water or anything to drink.
To their surprise, a genie popped out, and said ''I can grant you all, three wishes - nothing more.''
The first guy says ''I wish I was back at home having a big steak dinner with my family.''
*poof* like a little soap bubble that popped, he was gone.
The second guy said ''I wish I was at my favorite billiards bar, having a BIG ol' beer and some pizza, shooting some pool with my bros who think I'm dead.''
*snap* like MAGIC: he was gone.
The third guy said, ''It's CREEEPy lonely starving from exposure and dehydration, I wish I had some people to be with me!''
