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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

Cannabis

Active member
Veteran
The kids were going to have a day at school detailing what their dads do for a living. Last kid up Billy gets up in front of the class and gives a big sigh. Conflicting emotions start playing across his face, and he's rocking on his toes and kinda heel-toe-back & forth for a few seconds, and putting on his BEST soldier face, like ... 'Ok, here goes,' he says

''My daddy is a gay dancer at a bar. He takes off his clothes for men on a pole and dances like THIS:''

The kid starts swaying his hips, waving his butt around. Bending at the knees, he stands up again, puts his hands around his crotch, and starts grinding away shoving his crotch forward, first leaning back on one leg, then the other, in that overtly exaggerated way kids imitate what they've seen somebody do

''And if the men pay him enough money, he goes to he bathroom or out behind the bar, and has sex with them: like THIS: ''

the kid's about 9 or so, but he starts going through all the motions of people having sex, making out, then hunching, while sighing, and rolling his eyes - complete with sound effects. The whole thing is just.. lurid - to the point of somehow being wrong.

''And then, ...when they get through having sex, if he likes them a LOT, they go to his car; and get ramped up for another round, like THIS:'' and he duly leans forward and lifts his right hand:

he holds his forefinger out, sorta projecting out over his thumb: and he pop, pop, pop... acts like his dosing out coke/crank/whatever's on the menu, onto the back, of his LEFT hand:

he then acts like he's snorting it off the back of his hand, licking it after he rubs it against his nose, and huffing in real big: then rubbing it hard on his pants leg, to get the spit off...

''And then they go back inside and he dances some more like THIS,''

and the kid gives it some more of the pole dance action, to the absolutely STUNNED crowd of kids and the teacher.

The teacher is practically speaking, quasi-catatonic. She doesn't know what in the WORLD.. so she kinda croaks out a few lines, as she walks over and motions Billy to follow her...

''Kids, I... uh..I feel that what Billy told us means that... well he could be exposed, to ... (she lets out a sigh) danger... if you will, please just... be quiet so I can take Billy to the counselor - this is sorta upsetting..''

She and Billy move out of the room, Billy's looking kinda relieved but he can see what's up; he can see what's been coming today, so he walks along with her - kinda stiff legged, like he's making himself walk the walk but... he just doesn't want to deal with the fallout from all this..

so head bowed, he kinda zombies out the door with the teacher, just oozing disgrace, and the unjust humility of a child
who has seen WAY too much in his short, innocent life.

They walk slowly to the counselor's office with the teacher unable to even utter a sound. She's walking amid a silence that sounds SO loud to her. She realizes she is partly responsible for not seeing Billy's needs, there must have been signs.. but she can't even begin to sort it out just now. Maybe when there's more time to think. She - she could lose her JOB.. she could lose her greatest joy, her career in the town she grew up in.

''Teacher?''

She stops dead still and looks down at Billy. "Yes?"

"Teacher I have something worse to tell you."

OmfG she thinks, he's been raped and molested and she is just... about... to faint.

''My... my daddy - he isn't really a go-go dancer and a gay hooker. I was just too embarrassed to tell everybody dad plays baseball for the San Diego Padres."
 

yortbogey

To Have More ... Desire Less
Veteran
picture.php
 

Bud Green

I dig dirt
Veteran
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and says, "Did you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?
The joy will not be momentary, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replies, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that you can do that; show me."

The Pope then backhands Hillary and knocks her off the stage. The crowd roars and cheers wildly and there is happiness throughout the land.
 

Lester Beans

Frequent Flyer
Veteran
A bunch of buddies were at their hunting camp for the opening weekend of deer season. After a long day of hunting in the rain and cold, they finally shot some deer. After dragging them back to the camp, Albert announced he was going to the outhouse. When he did not return, his mates realized he had fallen asleep on the john.

So being the good buddies they were they decided to play a prank on ol Al. They put a gut pile in the outhouse with him, and then waited giggling until he woke up.

A short time later Al comes barreling out of the outhouse screaming waving a big stick. " oh lord, omg, I shit my guts out!!! With the grace of god and this stick I got them back in!"

Just an old joke the oldtimers used to tell when we were at hunting camp lol
 

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"
 

GET MO

Registered Med User
Veteran
A police officer noticed a car stopped at the stop sign, but it wasnt going. he honked, and seen a womans hand wave. He got out the car and walked up to the window, twas a blond sitting in the car looking frustrated.
"whats going on?" he asked.
annoyed, she replied, "what does it look like?! Im waiting for the stupid sign to turn!"

Just made that up.
 

armedoldhippy

Well-known member
Veteran
ol' Bob comes in from fishing, wifes car not in driveway. "hmmm" he says. goes inside, no clothes, no furniture. "hmmm" he says. goes into kitchen, a note on the refrigerator - "this isn't working, i can't take it any more! goodbye Bob!" "hmmm" he says. he opens the fridge, the light comes on, the beer is ice cold. "what the fuck?" :biggrin:
 

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
Many people are worrying about the effects of genetically modified crops.

"There is no proof of any adverse affects", said a Carrot
 

dddaver

Active member
Veteran
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
 

Slim Pickens

Well-known member
Veteran
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

I heard it..

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper having a laughing fit.
What's so funny says the guy in the Cadillac?
The guy in the Viper says,"I just saw Bill Clinton go by on roller skates".
 
E

ej2012usa

A guys girlfriend asks him,,does my breath smell like tacos,,and he says,,i don't know,,was their čat shit in those tacos...
 
E

ej2012usa

Lol

Lol

A, lady paralyzed from the neck down, is taken to a beach every day where she suns herself and reads her book. One day a buff life gaurd, walking the beach, notices her and sparks up a conversation.

He says "you seems some what depressed."

She replies "Well, I've been like this most of my life and it's, well it just that I..well to be honest I've never been kissed."

The life gaurd leans down and very passionately kisses hers and then walks off. She's stunned and completely smitten.

A couple days later the life gaurd, again walking his beach, sees the lady.

"So, how are you dong today?" He asked?

"Oh" She sighed. "Alright, I guess."

"Still depressed? I'm so sorry to hear that what's bothering you today?"

"Well, I don't know how to say this...but , well I just. To put it bluntly I've never been Fucked before."

The life guard leaned down, picked her in his powerful arms and carried her down the beach and prompty tossed her in the surf.

"Well, you're fucked now!"

Sorry Blatant- not trying to rip-you just a different take on the same basic joke.
Fuck,thats funny shit..
 
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Useful Idiot

Active member
Veteran
OK...This fella comes home to find his wife with her bags packed at the front door. He asks "where the hell are you goin??" She says, I heard that men in Vegas are payin women $300.00 for a BJ.So if I can get paid for what I give you for free, I'm going. The fella rushes upstairs and comes back down with a couple bags packed. She asks him, where the hell do you think you are goin?? He responded, I'm goin with you...I want to see how you are going to live on $300.00 a year!!!:biggrin:
 

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
 

twistedthreads

Active member
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
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