The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

Here is what learning about it being a competitive world is like:

A friend of mine that I work with swims all the time and skis and all that motorized water sports stuff. So this weekend when I told him about my camping trip he was like 'cool, I took up scuba.'

''Ya took up scuba huh?''

''Yeah,'' he says, but it was kinda scary. Oh?
Well, says he,

the instructor took him out to the ocean and was dragging out his gear, and had brought this great looking set of flippers with all kinds of just -money, research, and speed written all over em so to speak,

-and my buddy says 'New flippers huh?''

The instructor kinda did a freeze-up for a second and stared out at the water awhile and said 'Well, there's sharks in there man. Right now where we're gonna be swimming.'

My buddy says laughin, 'What, you gonna outswim a shark?'' He said the instructor looked straight at him a long time, and finally said 'I just gotta out-swim you, Bob.''

 

[dddaver]

 

[dddaver]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered,
eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there
to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.

" I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me ."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Hmmm

Hmmm

Here is what learning about it being a competitive world is like:

A friend of mine that I work with swims all the time and skis and all that motorized water sports stuff. So this weekend when I told him about my camping trip he was like 'cool, I took up scuba.'

''Ya took up scuba huh?''

''Yeah,'' he says, but it was kinda scary. Oh?
Well, says he,

the instructor took him out to the ocean and was dragging out his gear, and had brought this great looking set of flippers with all kinds of just -money, research, and speed written all over em so to speak,

-and my buddy says 'New flippers huh?''

The instructor kinda did a freeze-up for a second and stared out at the water awhile and said 'Well, there's sharks in there man. Right now where we're gonna be swimming.'

My buddy says laughin, 'What, you gonna outswim a shark?'' He said the instructor looked straight at him a long time, and finally said 'I just gotta out-swim you, Bob.''

I believe I heard the same joke about bears, the animal not naked people.

 

[Cannabis]

Yeah I'm pretty sure there's a version of that in most languages about somethin' or other LoL

Matter of fact prolly most jokes

I believe I heard the same joke about bears, the animal not naked people.

 

[mr.brunch]

A spider just walked into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

 

[dddaver]

I'm so old I can remember when sex toys were called marital aids. Now a marital aid might be that baby sitter you get on date night.

 

[Weezard]

I'm flying my drone the other day and a guy comes up and starts asking questions. I tell him this is the best toy I have ever had.
I explained to him that if my parents had gotten me one of these instead of that 410 shotgun, they would probably be alive today. He had no more questions or interest.

 

[dddaver]

kinda long

kinda long

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[yortbogey]

 

[al70]

Whad'ya call a stoner under a wheelbarrow??

 

[al70]

A mechanic/////

 

[Bean_UnderTaker]

theres this woman waiting on the bus wearing a short skirt
bus comes she tries to get on but her skirt starts to flip up
so she unzips it just a little bit
tries to get back on but the skirt starts to flip up just the same
so she pulls the zipper down a little bit more
she tries to get back on but the skirt is still stubborn
so she goes to unzip her zipper again but suddenly this dude picks her up and takes her on the bus,
she starts hollering and hitting him saying "how dare you touch me like that"
the man says "well mam i figured if you unzipped my pants and tried to pull my pecker out we were well acquainted"

 

[mr.brunch]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Costco anymore either.

 

[mr.brunch]

"I'll believe that you aren't lying to me and that you're sober if you can touch the end of your nose," said the cop.


"Fuck," replied Pinocchio.

 

[twistedthreads]

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

 

[Cannabis]

One time a guy needed to get some alcohol and hard drugs so he broke into some peoples' house. He rummaged around the first room he broke into, threw a few things into a pillowcase, and opened the door of that room to go into the rest of the house

Suddenly a voice called out from above him: ''JESUS is WATCHING YOU! JESUS is WATCHING YOU!'

He froze up.WtF!?

He had pushed the door back shut but he looked through the keyhole for a second to see just what was goin' on.

It was a parrot across the room, in a cage that went all the way to the ceiling! WoW... WoW! That thing scared the S***out of him!

He came out mesmerized by the bird's repeated cry that 'Jesus was watching him'. He crossed over to the cage, and waved a little to the gorgeous bird. ''What kind of people would teach a parrot to tell people that?''

''The same kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus, I guess,'' said the bird.

 

[Cannabis]

China, Russia, and Poland, all decided to celebrate the U.N.'s birthday by announcing they were going to achieve a great space voyage.

China -to celebrate the ancient far reaches of almost endless Chinese history, said they were going to Pluto for it was the most oriental of all the planets: bathed in mystery and
the deep darkness of almost endless miles.

Russia, to celebrate the power and might of the Russian peoples' dreams and spirits, said they were going to visit Jupiter since it was the biggest planet.

The Poles announced that in reverence for their bright future in the sciences, they were visiting the sun.

In response to concerns their capsule could be compromised, they announced that they had a work-around which involved arriving on the solar surface at night.

 

[Cannabis]

The instructor was lecturing on science, ''Critical to life worldwide, oxygen was discovered by several people in rapid succession between 1772, and 1774.''

From the back of the room

''What did we breathe before that?''

 

[420somewhere]

I can now breathe