The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

A man's wife was updating her resume so she figured she'd update her husband's, too.

''Honey what was the exact wording of your minor when you were in school?"

"I don't remember... hold on lemme look on my degree." So he gets up and goes down the hall to the office, and there's a long quiet... nothing's coming from him..

"Honey, what's it say?"

Husband waits... "Uh... when I graduated, I checked 'print my diploma in Latin, and I can't read it.''

 

[Betterhaff]

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Man...need to get her mad more often.

 

[dddaver]

Man, sorry about that. I thought I posted those in the funny pics thread.

*Stands up, hands in the air, and slowly backs away from the pipe, hands visible at all times.*

 

[mr.brunch]

I was talking to a doctor, "Hey doc, I've got this problem where I have to wank myself to sleep."

"That explains it," he said, "Just stop and let anesthesia kick in sir."

 

[trichrider]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'



'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.

 

[kaochiu]

Fidel and Che are holding talks with the american ambassador after their victory over Batista.
Fidel- Patria o Muerte, compañero!
Che- Better die standing than living on your knees!
Ambassador- take it easy guys... Cigar, anyone? How about my offer of a condo in Miami and a white caddy each? Just sign this contract with our friends and...
They cheer and gulp down another shot of rhum.
Che- (cocky) You will see an argentinian Pope before that happens
Fidel- (laughing) yeah! And a black US President!

 

[dddaver]

Oldy but funny.

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

[bigganjabud]

How do you get an Iraqi woman pregnant?

Cum on her shoes and let the flys do the rest!!

 

[whatsmells]

What's the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from the hospital?




The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

 

[Hank Hemp]

That's hard whats, hard but all to true.

 

[TNTBudSticker]

In this day and age a white guy learns what Blasphemy is.

Blasphemy? Is that like talking about sex and the male doesn't have a erection?"

"No" says the Low IQ Muslim guy,"That's Mutiny."

The White guy goes,"No,that's not what Mutiny is,What It means is you don't have a sheep."

 

[Hank Hemp]

T, that made no since at all.

 

[TNTBudSticker]

Says the Low IQ Muslim guy


Takes a village to raise one

 

[Betterhaff]

T, that made no since at all.

.

 

[GET MO]

Perhaps the muslim guy is not the one with a low IQ. That made no cents at all. Like not even a penny.

 

[NoSocSlic]

He is implying that because someone is muslim they are sexually aroused by sheep.... I thought that was more of a hillbilly redneck sort of thing. Hey did you know??? That's where syphilis came from, people fucking sheep? That is one of life's funny jokes.

 

[mr.brunch]

 

[TNTBudSticker]

He is implying that because someone is muslim they are sexually aroused by sheep.... I thought that was more of a hillbilly redneck sort of thing. Hey did you know??? That's where syphilis came from, people fucking sheep? That is one of life's funny jokes.

Yea..it's sort of a hilly billy redneck sort of conversation.Yes,the muslim guy is aroused by sheep.And the redneck knows it..lol

 

[mr.brunch]

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."

 

[MarijuanaMogul]

Why did the sperm cross the road?



Because I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.