The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Stonefree69]

young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
　
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about ￡50?"
　
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
　
The wife replied, "You're right.　 I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
　
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
　
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
　
"Yes" the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the ￡50 and handed it to her along with a ￡10 tip.

"Thank you" the blonde said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi".

 

[stop the madnes]

It's been my experience that there are basically 3 kinds of people in this world: those that can count and those that can't.

 

[mr.brunch]

 

[Hank Hemp]

Racist?

Racist?

young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
　
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about ￡50?"
　
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
　
The wife replied, "You're right.　 I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
　
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
　
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
　
"Yes" the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the ￡50 and handed it to her along with a ￡10 tip.

"Thank you" the blonde said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi".

Ain't this a bit racist against the Aryans?

 

[Betterhaff]

A blond goes to the doctor and tells him that something is very wrong. No matter where she touches herself it hurts tremendously.

The doctor examines her and tells her she has a broken finger.

 

[mr.brunch]

The doctor was on his daily round of the mental asylum and had just entered the room of two of his long term patients. One was sawing imaginary wood into hundreds of pieces and the other was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" the doctor asked the first man.

"I'm sawing wood," he said, "isn't that obvious?"

"Well, what's your friend doing?"

"Oh, don't mind him, he thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Don't you think you should help him down before all the blood rushes to his head?" continued the doctor.

"What!?" exclaimed the man, "and work in the fucking dark!"

 

[feeblebunny]

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it really has to want to change.

 

[Cannabis]

That's why we have to tell it only on the ''OUTLAW'' sites.

But if any of us DO get offended we'll let you know so you can notify

the moderators because WE wouldn't want any ANTI ESTABLISHMENT APPROVED WRITINGS here.

______________
Now tell your dog to cover his ears I'm gonna tell a dog joke.
______________

My and my buddy were at the lumber store for some lumber to build a porch for a lady. It was right at the height of summer and
my friend's dog named Dog, jumped down and got in the shade,
where the back door of the lumber store let out the evaporative cooler air, and he was layin' there nuzzling and nudging his favorite place to do that in public, his chingus, licking and slobbering, getting it GOOD and clean.

The guy who was loading the lumber kinda paused a second with those big old floor joists out in the BLAZING heat, took off his cap

and said, ''man, if I could do THAT - I'd NEVER leave thuh HOUSE!"

And my friend Mike said ''Greetings, fellow living unit, of not any particular race, creed, color, tribe, kindred affiliation, gender, individual with or without a government approved and valid social security number and/or citizen status to be in this joke, should you be in this joke for non-commercial reasons,

if you try that - that dog'll BITE you!"

Ain't this a bit racist against the Aryans?

 

[Cannabis]

Okay I'm just f&kn with ya Hank but it looks to honest civilian people like I'm mad. I am mad, but it's because I had a whole bunch of blond jokes I WAS gonna tell, but now,

THAT's out or it looks like I'm enjoyin' it too much. Okay so fine I won't tell any blond jokes.

However I do have a lot of Jewish redhaired Russian gypsy hippy creationist communistic jokes to convert to Ukrainian-Iranian jokes, and changing all the parts about sinks, cars,
lights, dark places, and trains,

to geraniums, grape print table cloths, improperly manufactured knife sheaths that are for only left handed people, the small nuclear force, and bleach.

Okay I can't make the part about the painting a wall red match the part about the grape print table cloths being spit on by your ex wife's lawyer:

why aren't BLEACH BLONDES offended when you tell blonde jokes? Cause it's not in their roots.

 

[mr.brunch]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"You know what the problem is."

 

[mr.brunch]

Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence.

The Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President, you still have one more year."

 

[mr.brunch]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "Please, you can't do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

 

[barnyard]

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't cuss.

God damn it, I left my cigarettes at the bar!

 

[dddaver]

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't cuss.

God damn it, I left my cigarettes at the bar!

Don't lie either.

 

[barnyard]

that a grade school classic that dddaver...but provided some good practice for adulthood, lol

 

[mr.brunch]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,




This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.

 

[dddaver]

​

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or, more precisely....

 

[dddaver]

 

[dddaver]

 

[al70]

A monkey walks into a bar one day, orders a pint and starts reading the paper, amused the barman says I haven't seen you around here before, the monkey says I'm a plasterer, I'm doing a bit of work down the road, a couple of days later the circus come's to town and the circus master comes in for a drink, the barman tells him about the monkey, the circus master says I could be doing with a monkey like that please give him my card and tell him I'd like to speak to him, next day the monkey came in and the barman says that the circus master said to give him a call, the circus says the monkey, yeah says the barman, with big tops n tents, yeah says the barman, with caravans n cages, yeah says the barman, what the fuck does he need a plasterer for.