The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Harry Gypsna]

My ex sent me a late night text that said "When I think of you I touch myself! , so I sent her one back saying "Me too, in fact I'm doing it now, babe." She replied asking
"Oooh, tell me how you're touching yourself." and I texted back
"Rubbing my temples, because when I think of you, I get a fucking migraine.".

 

[sourpuss]

 

[Bud Green]

Cohen's Hat

Cohen's Hat

Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had not been in the synagogue since he was a young boy.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said "Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here. What made you come today?"
Cohen said, "I got to be honest with you Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levi has one just like mine and I know that Levi comes to Services every week.
I also knew that Levi takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levi's hat.
The rabbi said, "Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn't steal Levi's hat. What changed your mind?"
Cohen said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Levi's hat.
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Cohen shook his head and said "No, Rabbi, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."

 

[Harry Gypsna]

The allegations against bill Cosby are a classic case of He said/She said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.

 

[mr.brunch]

Two old men sitting on a bench, one says "nice out, isn't it?"
The other replies " yes, but put it away "

 

[mr.brunch]

Two cows in a field. One says " moo."
The other says " you bastard, I was gonna say that"

 

[Hank Hemp]

 

[Bud Green]

A bus driver and a minister showed up at the "Pearly Gates" at the same time..

The bus driver was taken to a beautiful master suite, and the minister was given a small, simple room, for each of them to spend eternity.

"I don't understand", the minister said to St. Peter. "All that man did was drive a local bus, while I was in the ministry for almost 60 years".

"We go by results up here", said St. Peter..

"When you preached, people slept.. When he drove, people prayed"......

 

[Hank Hemp]

 

[LEF]

Made me think of when my buddy is driving ^^
I have this one friend of mine, it's like I always have to be on top of things. Like, checking if everything is okay.

A lot of times we we're driving (he was), and I was passenger, and I had to take the wheel and turn it to escape a problem.

One time we passed him a joint, and instead of looking at the road, he looked at the joint like an idiot, slowly taking his time, at that moment we we're on the opposite lane, facing cars.

I know how that is dangerous, it wasn't me driving, and if you say, well, you shouldn't be passing him joints, well, we know that now.

One time we we're driving to the big city, we're on the highway, same guy, same driver. My friends puts his blinkers, to change to the right lane, as he is doing this, I look at the car right next to us, I see the two women, and they notice we have a blinker on, and that my friend is getting closer to them, I see the look of terror in their eyes. LOL

So I take the wheel, and get him back on the left lane, then I look at the ladies with that feeling of slight embarassment and wave.

This friend, he once reversed into a ditch, had to get a towing. One time we went to a cottage party, buddy gets stuck somewhere, thank god there was a group of people there who came to push the car.

One time same thing happened to me, I was changing to the right lane, and something grabbed a hold of my steering wheel and pushed it back left, and then I noticed a car in the right lane. Seemed pretty real to me.

 

[Stonefree69]

 

[Bud Green]

What a difference 40 years can make!!!


1974: Long hair
2014: Longing for hair

1974: The perfect high
2014: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1974: KEG
2014: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2014: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2014: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Growing your own pot
2014: Growing your own pot belly

1974: Trying to look like Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper
2014: Trying NOT to look like Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper

1974: Seeds and stems
2014: Roughage

1974: Killer weed
2014: Weed killer

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2014: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2014: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2014: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2014: Kidney Stones

 

[LEF]

You may not vote on any more threads today

That young and old one is pretty good

 

[Harry Gypsna]

A fella is in bed with a new lass for the first time, and she's a bit of a wild one. She says "I want you to give me 8 inches and really fucking hurt me.".
So he fucked her 4 times, and gave her a Chinese burn.

 

[mr.brunch]

Guy with no arms or legs laying on the beach sunbathing. All of a sudden, a good looking woman comes over to him and says " excuse me, I saw you lying here and I wondered, have you ever been kissed before?" Shocked , the guy replies " no, I haven't ". She leans over and kisses him full on the lips, and walks away.
As he watches her leave, another woman approaches and says " excuse me , I was watching you, and I was wondering, have you ever been hugged before?" " no!" Says the guy, hardly believing his luck, and she leans over and gives him a big hug.
Just as he is laying there thinking his luck can't get any better, two beautiful women walk over to him. " hello," says one of them "my friend and I were watching you, and we were wondering, have you ever been fucked before?"
"No, I haven't " he says with a smile of disbelief
"Well you're about to be, "she says
"the tides coming in."

 

[LEF]

I always heard it with reversed roles

 

[Bud Green]

My cousin, Bud Brown the cowboy

My cousin, Bud Brown the cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

 

[dddaver]

Guy with no arms or legs laying on the beach sunbathing. All of a sudden, a good looking woman comes over to him and says " excuse me, I saw you lying here and I wondered, have you ever been kissed before?" Shocked , the guy replies " no, I haven't ". She leans over and kisses him full on the lips, and walks away.
As he watches her leave, another woman approaches and says " excuse me , I was watching you, and I was wondering, have you ever been hugged before?" " no!" Says the guy, hardly believing his luck, and she leans over and gives him a big hug.
Just as he is laying there thinking his luck can't get any better, two beautiful women walk over to him. " hello," says one of them "my friend and I were watching you, and we were wondering, have you ever been fucked before?"
"No, I haven't " he says with a smile of disbelief

....so they picked him up, through him in the ocean, and shouted, "WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW"!

 

[Bud Green]

.........

 

[Hank Hemp]

Bud that's the most filthy perverted joke I've ever heard. Bet the mods delete it.