The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[LEF]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

 

[LEF]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

 

[LEF]

A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack.

"Three rabbits," Jed said.

The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."

So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."

Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."

So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits."

So Jed pulled out another rabbit.

Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is a Alamba rabbit. Let me see your Alamba huntin' license."

So Jed showed them to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"

So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"

 

[noyd666]

YEP ALL GOOD LEF.

 

[Weezard]

Okay, so it's old but still funny.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes says "I think not.' and disappears.

 

[dddaver]

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on.

After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen.

''Oh, those folks ain't crazy,'' the farmer said, ''They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go f**k herself because he was going fishing.''

The way I heard it was it was a dark and stormy night. The traveling salesman's car breaks down. He sees a light on a farm up ahead so he goes and knocks on the door to ask for their phone. No one answers so he looks in the window. He sees the old couple naked. She is pulling on her tit.He is holding an umbrella and yanking on his Johnson.

He is shocked. He goes to the farm down the road and tells them what he saw. The farmer says, "They're both deaf. She was telling him to go milk the cows. And he was saying fuck you, it's raining outside.

 

[tropicannayeah]

"a really old white guy was shuffling along just ahead of me in the crowded corridor of a hospital recently, his pants sagged down at the back and he muttered loudly to no one in particular as he pulled them back up was "damn, if these pants fall down any further, they'll make me a rap singer" that in itself was funny, but he said it out loud just like Tupac would of, with the same rhythm and intonation, I almost walked up, tapped the old codger on the shoulder and wordlessly gave him a bud on the off chance he was a toker, but with security cameras everywhere, I just enjoyed his rap gave him a nod, a smile and a thumbs up.


that's it...when I get old I'm gonna talk like J-Roc all the time...kno-emmm-sayin?

 

[dddaver]

This is a joke. Please do not be offended. I think you meant you gave him a NOD, not NOB. If someone gave me their nob I probably would cut it off.

Or was that what you meant? Did he have a nice ass? Or maybe it was a Freudian slip by you?

 

[tropicannayeah]

it's nod, nod, nod, nod and nod!

 

[Hank Hemp]

Are you sure tropic?

 

[Weezard]

"Methinks he doth protest too much"

 

[Harry Gypsna]

An older bloke is on a train. sitting opposite him is an attractive young woman. The bloke thinks he'll try his luck so he asks "Would you sleep with me for £10?" and the woman replies
"No!".
He asks "Would you sleep with me for £1000,000?" and she says "Yes!".
Then he asks "Would you sleep with me for £20?" and she says
"What sort of girl do you think I am?" and the man says
"We've already established what sort of girl you are, now we are negotiating the price."

 

[Hank Hemp]

Golden oldy Harry

 

[mr.brunch]

A Rabbit goes into a butchers shop and says to the butcher
"Hello mate, you got any carrots?" Butcher says " no, this is a butchers, we don't sell carrots" "ok" says the rabbit and leaves.
Next day, the same rabbit goes back to the butchers. "Hello" he says "got any carrots?" "No" says the butcher "I told you yesterday, no carrots!" "Ok" replies the rabbit.
The next day, the butcher sees the rabbit approaching. In he comes , and before he can speak the butcher says " look, I've told you twice if you ask me for carrots again I'll nail your fuckin ears to the floor!"
Rabbit says "ok mate , calm down. You got any nails?"
"No" says butcher.
"Got any carrots then? "

 

[tropicannayeah]

Last edited by tropicannayeah; 11-28-2014 at 01:13 AM.. Reason: a nob is as good as a twink to a blind horse

ok, fixed that!

 

[Bud Green]

Law firms and computers have both been proliferating since the 1980's.

Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 2 years....

 

[mr.brunch]

Bear and a giraffe walk into a pub and start drinking. They both hit the scotch pretty hard, and after a while are quite drunk and decide to leave.
On the way out, the giraffe passes out and falls over, but the bear continues on his way out.
"Oi" says the barman "you can't leave that lying there!!"
The bear turns, looks and says "it's not a fuckin lion, it's a giraffe"

 

[GET MO]

when earthquakes hit san Francisco, how come the homos always make it out the city first?














cuz they already got their shit packed.

 

[Hank Hemp]

 

[mr.brunch]

What says "mark! Mark! Mark!" ?

Dog with a hare lip