The struggles of a grower...

[Storm Shadow]

Learn to meditate... you will find total silence to be very cerebral...

Think positive no matter what... see the silver lining in everything you do...

We are all part of the same brotherhood....we're all growers and on some level share the same feelings and thoughts...

You can create your own destiny in this life...the key is to believe in it no matter how hard it may seem... you have a higher purpose... if anything the evolution of this amazing plant we all have love for...it contains amazing properties and can help humanity... your one of the caretakers of this delicate Process .... We are all very fortunate to take part in this..

Think about it bro...most people have a 9-5 and have a ceiling above their head on how much they can achieve... in our line of work...we don't have to be corporate slaves ..we are free to put in as much work as we choose too...

Push that shit to the limit...always keep the wheels spinning... Life is Great and gets better with hard work.. keep grinding .. Your really good at what you do.... Keep it up

 

[doneit]

When we get together next month im gonna get you a 6' 25yr old blonde hooker!

 

[gaiusmarius]

look after yourself bro, everyone talking about diet is making a very important point. i'm not saying go to an ultra healthy diet or anything, but do make sure you have at least 1 full cooked meal a day as well as a good breakfast. your mind can start suffering if your body is not getting enough fuel and sleep. you didnt mention sleep, but without sleep our minds can play tricks on us too.

a scale to check the weight of the pots before watering tells me a lot about your level of passion and dedication to growing. i totally feel your disappointment with people given a rare chance who don't even show them selves willing to go through the apprenticeship so you can end up trusting them and actually giving them responsibility.

isn't it amazing how many people will end up trying to rip you off at pretty much the first chance they get, no matter how small the benefit and how high the future loss it will mean for them due to having burned their bridges. in the end i look at it as cheap experience. if some guy fiddles the harvest over a couple of pounds, you can basically be sure that sooner or later he will do much worse. so take the lesson and cut your losses in such cases, it's the best bet. specially as it shows incredible stupidity. if the business partnership would go on they would profit much more over time, but these people are generally too greedy to think that far and often their greed will betray them.

but yeah imo, you really need to automate your set ups to the point where you can at least take a day or 2 off here and there. using 600 watt lamps instead of 1k lights should help your electrics to stay safe, but you can add a fire alarm to send you an sms in case of fire, same with movement sensors or power failure alarms. as long as literally no one knows about the grow it can be done. of course a bigger set up needs to be guarded anyway, trouble is many employees will end up being the ones to rob you. in my experience the grow can be automated, but security on bigger ops is beyond a 1 man job. you need to be able to work in shifts, if you are the only guy doing it 24 hours, you will start going nuts, specially if some how word gets out and rippers are trying to break in. being alone for that is not much fun even with a pump action, specially when you realize they are not scared of you being there and it's only the security renovations that are stopping them from being inside already. but with 2 peeps you can cover each other and the whole situation will be less scary. but yeah it's the depressing side of growing. people too lazy to grow them selves that think taking it off you is justified by the principle of might is right, ie if they can get it off you, they have the right. this makes the situations that can arise in consequence most unpalatable as you only have escalation or surrender as a choice and both choices are shit choices to be faced with.

 

[Tokin-stone]

I pray you find the light you seek!

 

[SpasticGramps]

Eat cooked food, ..... regularly. Sleep.

Your mind will thank you for it.

I've learned to give advice or help with no expectations. Until it is earned some point way down the road.

Most just want the quick dollar and are looking for a mark. You can 't worry about shit you can't control. It's a waste of time and energy. Move on and improve your situation.

Automate if you can. Downsize to a manageble one man size op if you have too.

Take a vacation homie. Sounds like you may just need a break.

 

[Snype]

Just trying to focus on 1 small task at a time until my head is clear. Like I said you guys make some good points. I wish it was so simple as some of you are saying but it is not so simple. I have to take a step outside to evaluate what's going on but I can't leave here for a couple of weeks until I pull down the final harvest. I have no way to leave. I'm not lucky like you guys to have a car or a license. I'm in the middle of nowhere on dirt roads. There are no stores out here that I can walk to. Walking to a store or place where there is life would take me hours and it's still winter. I don't have any friends from the past. I learned a lot about my life the past few years. I was just the "weed guy" and mistook the term "friend". I never had any friends but I had many people around me in the past who I thought were "friends". But it all just had to do with smoking people up all day. Like I said, I was just the weed guy. Most of you will probably have no clue what I'm taking about. I probably lived a very strange life the last 23 years and I'm paying the price now. I'm just starting to figure it all out and it's starting to seem more simple. I have to learn to depend on myself and no one else if I want to continue the life that I'm living. The good thing is that I only have 3 years left for retirement and then I can do anything that I want in life. It's the ultimate sacrifice. That's what I signed up for but I lost track of things when my metal state went downhill. It's a puzzle that I'm trying to put back together. Yup, Snype's off his rocker. I'll find earth sometime.

 

[lost in a sea]

yeah i think actually alot of people here will get what it's like to be just the "weed guy" to be honest mate..

but we do do that to ourselves anyway, if you allowed the friendships to be defined by cannabis then you cant blame people for showing their true colours once they didn't need you anymore, or the ganja anymore to be more precise.. people are fickle..

no one said it was simple, it's your head and your body, one poisons the other if not kept in check. Quite a lot of us live pretty strange lives compared to the norm, and life throws tests at us that we all deal with for better or for worse, only option is concentrate on the positive and battle through..

bottom line is if you have run yourself into the ground then you aren't going to make it another three years to see your retirement unless you find someway to balance your health better, or risk being a nervous wreck by then, with poor health.

why risk giving yourself an early grave because of some deadline you set in the future?

 

[JVonChron]

snype-you had some kind words for me a while back, so let me share some with you. in my experience, if you want something done right, gotta do it yourself...really a shame because that is hard to do(and sounds like what you're doing) I have run into few special persons in my life who had the tenacity to WANT to do things right. My life is still currently a shit show/on hold and I am also doing a lot of contemplation on life. I find it very hard to find a balance between enjoying every precious breath I have on this earth to the fullest(having fun) vs. working hard to get ahead cuz one day you're here and the next day your gone... do try to keep up a good diet, it really will have a positive effect and also sunshine does the body good. I too come from a sweep it under the rug family, and its wack. finding REAL people in this world is a hard thing to do. but stay positive homie, at least you are CONCIOUS of the workings of the world around you and you really appear to be seeking PURPOSE. that is the point at my life I am in, is finding purpose in whatever endeavor I choose. I would like to rock a situation like yours, but am unable to at the time for shitty reasons, so use that as some motivation to keep on keepin on for those of use who cant! the social isolation issue is something I don't have much wisdom on other than to stay busy. I pray you find honest helping hands and the path you would like to travel.

 

[JVonChron]

Oh PS. I totally feel ya on the "friends" issue. I know all too well how people go POOF vamoose when SHTF. nice to have the IC fam to lean on in these times

 

[Bobbles]

You make a lot of sense. I have a hard time thinking the way that you do but it makes a lot of sense. The problem is that nothing is fun to me right now. I've been like this before in the past and would just spend as much as I could trying to have fun but was never able to find it. That's one of my problems right now. First I have to figure out what I'm working for. What my goals and objectives are. I see the older people around me in their 60's and up who did not prepare for their future and they don't seem too happy with life. I feel like you have to plan things and if you plan right, you can have less stress in this type of world later in life.

Just to clarify. I agree with you wanting to have a secure future. Save your money, invest, spend your money wisely. I'm all for that. However, realize that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Plans are great but life has a way of taking plans are chucking them out the window.

Make every day count, do things you want to do now. Think about your retirement, what is appealing to you about retirement? Do you dream of a place, a hobby, or something else you want to do? There is nothing stopping you from doing it right now.

I also read some of your other posts recently about how you are the only one, live on a dirt road, no real store... Consider that a blessing. I'm stuck in the middle of a huge city with neighbors who I can hear through their house walls playing Madden on Xbox because the houses are so close. What I would give to live at the end of a dirt road in the middle of no where. You sound like you are living what I want from my retirement! Isn't that odd?

Happiness is perception. Live now, prepare for the future. Life sucks, its not fair, its going to keep beating you down. You can either let it, or tell it to go fuck itself and enjoy your life.

By the way, maybe look up introvert and extroverts if you have never done so. People have fun in different ways. For instance some people enjoy staying indoors and coding on a computer on friday nights, like myself, while others like to the club and get drunk, not at all what I like. If you have never researched introverts or extroverts, it might be an interesting search for you.

Wish you the best.

 

[Snype]

yeah i think actually alot of people here will get what it's like to be just the "weed guy" to be honest mate..

but we do do that to ourselves anyway, if you allowed the friendships to be defined by cannabis then you cant blame people for showing their true colours once they didn't need you anymore, or the ganja anymore to be more precise.. people are fickle..

no one said it was simple, it's your head and your body, one poisons the other if not kept in check. Quite a lot of us live pretty strange lives compared to the norm, and life throws tests at us that we all deal with for better or for worse, only option is concentrate on the positive and battle through..

bottom line is if you have run yourself into the ground then you aren't going to make it another three years to see your retirement unless you find someway to balance your health better, or risk being a nervous wreck by then, with poor health.

why risk giving yourself an early grave because of some deadline you set in the future?

You are so right. That deadline brings me a lot of stress. It's something I'm trying to change in my head but it's hard because it is more complicated. There are other reasons for that deadline. There is a specific date but I won't say what the date is. I notice that most people don't try and set plans for their life. Money is evil. I've known. Life in the real world is very expensive where I'm from. To those who don't know, it costs at least double what it cost now every 15-20 years. I know too much about numbers and spend countless hours analyzing numbers. It's how my mind works. I feel that everyone's life is a business and it has to somehow be managed to succeed. I've only looked at the money aspect of this management but you guys are showing me that I have to look at an additional personal side. It makes sense. We are not machines with no feelings and hormones. The fact is that I'm not healthy and I'm trying to fight through it in the name of business and I am wrong. This situation is helping to teach me some things that I never thought about.

 

[Snype]

Oh PS. I totally feel ya on the "friends" issue. I know all too well how people go POOF vamoose when SHTF. nice to have the IC fam to lean on in these times

I grew up in a big city so there were always people around. My past grows were always in big cities or very close. I was never "stuck" until about 2007 or 2008 when I found IC. If it wasn't for IC, I probably would have gone more crazy than I am. The last 4 years before this year, I was somewhat isolated because I had to make a huge decision to continue growing. I had just lost 4 or 5 apartments that I was growing in for years, due to a flood from a rez breaking. The landlord was the same for all of the apartments in different buildings. So when he saw the one after the flood, I was instructed to leave all the apartments and be on my way. From that point I told myself that I can't rent anymore because it is too risky. I had to make a drastic move to try and buy. The city where I was from would cost over 300k for a house at the time. I've never really done anything else so a bank was out of the question. I had to pay cash or owner finance in a house that I could afford. I had a girlfriend that refused to leave the state that we were in. My only option was to drive 2 hours away to a city that I've never been to because houses in that area were 100k or less for multiple apartments. In the state that I was in, it was what I could afford. It happened to be in the Ghetto but I was unaware that it was the Ghetto. I was raised in a big city and thought I'd be fine. It was only a stepping stone to another operation in the future in a better area. In my mind it was the only option. I worked it as hard as I could and was able to buy another house a few blocks away to start a second operation. That's what I see as where I made my first big mistake. That's when I should have left that area and went to a better place. I can see it now. At that time I was isolated and made a very poor decision that lead to the robbery and my life being at risk. It was lesson that cost me around 250k and I lost 2 houses over.

I took a break and went to the Casino for about 2 months. I lived there. After dumping a lot of money to the Casino, there was enough left to still go out of state to run a new operation. Even before the Casino, there was not enough money to run an operation in the state that I was from in a safe area because houses cost hundreds of thousands. It's just how it is. The plan was to go to another state close by. There was always enough for it and I still had all my equipment in storage. The problem was that it wasn't only me. I had a serious girl as well so we had to figure out things for 2 people. Her plans changed on what she wanted to do so the operation was put on hold. It was a very complicated situation. You have to understand, I was with this girl for 7 years. It's similar to a marriage in my eyes. That's was a whole other complicated situation because we are very different ages and are at very different stages of life. It does complicate things. Things were put on hold for many months. I couldn't wait any longer because my money was drying up so I had to make my move to the Farm. The move was made in a very stressful time. I just did what I had to do. Anybody can buy a farm. I don't know why some of you think it's so difficult to buy houses. But like I say it takes many sacrifices to accomplish. You may have to go many hours away to accomplish this goal but anyone who is not handicap can. So that's what I did. I went hours away. I made the total sacrifice and now I'm going crazy trying to hold my mind together after 8 months in isolation. I'm just glad that I have someway to express my feelings and what is going on because it is like medication for me. Some people in this thread said that I should go take some meds from a doctor and I would never do that. I just have to learn how to deal with the mind that I have. Like someone else stated, being bipolar can be great and evil at the same time. I'm lucky to be manic most of the time and I can work forever and do anything. It's like being on a drug but I don't do drugs. It's just those other rare times when I'm not manic that I go into deep depressed states that is sometimes hard to get out of. This is the first time since i've been here that this has happened to me. I still can't even get myself to eat. Every day I just eat 1 banana and chain smoke. I lost over 20 pounds since I came to the farm. I still have no motivation and don't really care as of now because I'm shutting things down now anyway to take a vacation and figure it all out. There's no way to figure it out now in this state. If I've learned anything from the past, making plans in a stressful state of mind never lead to anything good. I think the best thing for me to do is relax and just take baby steps for now.

 

[idiit]

hey snype. i totally empathize with you. we have very similar experiences.

i meditate a lot. everyday.

i eat real nutritious foods every day. i smoke very narcotic, potent relaxing weed every night.

i found one female that is a true pot head and i brought her on as my strain tester. she is very loyal to the program (my program). no one fights her. everyone fights me. the guys are very jealous that someone besides them is in the game. if they suspect i'm the grower they boogie real hard. i tell most the weed comes from a location several hours away and no one minds me being the middleman. anyone and everyone who suspected me of being the grower played "economic embargo" on me.

everyone pretty much wants me to take all the risks, seed stock investments, guerrilla grow skills and work. they want to make all the money selling at high profits to their alleged best friends. if i don't sell my product at less than half street prices they refuse to work my product. these same ppl rip off their friends by charging way too high street price, blame the prices on me, and tell me they are my friend.

i've been thru personal hell in the cannabis biz. i've even attempted suicide. i spent one month in a coma and 9 years after the suicide attempt i'm still suffering medical issues that are very severe.

i love breeding, growing cannabis.

i just work on my strains, find new places to grow every time one of my sites gets hot.

i'm waiting for a time when i can go to a farmer's market and unload product direct to the public. i think this time is near.

everyone says i have the best pot they have ever smoked but especially other guys ( i'm a guy) are so eaten up with jealousy that they completely try to sabotage my program instead of assisting my program and getting well paid for their middle man roles in the process and getting to smoke very good weed.

my love for what i do keeps me going.

idiit

 

[Snype]

hey snype. i totally empathize with you. we have very similar experiences.

i meditate a lot. everyday.

i eat real nutritious foods every day. i smoke very narcotic, potent relaxing weed every night.

i found one female that is a true pot head and i brought her on as my strain tester. she is very loyal to the program (my program). no one fights her. everyone fights me. the guys are very jealous that someone besides them is in the game. if they suspect i'm the grower they boogie real hard. i tell most the weed comes from a location several hours away and no one minds me being the middleman. anyone and everyone who suspected me of being the grower played "economic embargo" on me.

everyone pretty much wants me to take all the risks, seed stock investments, guerrilla grow skills and work. they want to make all the money selling at high profits to their alleged best friends. if i don't sell my product at less than half street prices they refuse to work my product. these same ppl rip off their friends by charging way too high street price, blame the prices on me, and tell me they are my friend.

i've been thru personal hell in the cannabis biz. i've even attempted suicide. i spent one month in a coma and 9 years after the suicide attempt i'm still suffering medical issues that are very severe.

i love breeding, growing cannabis.

i just work on my strains, find new places to grow every time one of my sites gets hot.

i'm waiting for a time when i can go to a farmer's market and unload product direct to the public. i think this time is near.

everyone says i have the best pot they have ever smoked but especially other guys ( i'm a guy) are so eaten up with jealousy that they completely try to sabotage my program instead of assisting my program and getting well paid for their middle man roles in the process and getting to smoke very good weed.

my love for what i do keeps me going.

idiit

Yeah I can completely relate. I got people who don't even have to middle or do anything at all that I have to pay for no reason at all. LOL! You have no idea. It's crazy. My love for this keeps me going as well. I just don't think I can be this isolated anymore. I think I may consider moving back to my old state where is not so isolated like here. Maybe try and plan some sort of warehouse grow instead. I feel you on your distribution problems. I have similar problems except those people that I deal with aren't taxing it like your people. My people are middle manning to another middle man. LOL! This is something i've been thinking a lot about lately. I need to get rid of all these middle men because they aren't really helping and are hurting my market. They want everything for the same price of commercial garbage. I try to tell them that they have to pay more because it is obviously a better product and then it's all games. This week I was ready to cut one of these people off after lowering my prices to him to 32 and I just stopped responding to him and he was like "bro, dude what's wrong". Then he said he's pay 38 no problem. He made me take my Hash Oil prices down to 750 an oz and it sucks because he was paying 1500 an oz last year. He doesn't even smoke it or do anything with it. He got some rich dude who takes it all and now he's telling me the guy will pay anything I want for it no problem. So I've just been in this guys little game with me for a while now which has really been pissing me off but he knows I'm isolated and need him. There's another guy doing the same thing. So what I want to do is go back to the retail side myself back in the big city and at the university's. That's basically where I started it all off. So it would cost me more risk but the state that I come from is pretty liberal and the laws are more in my favor to where I am now. So that's what I'm going to try and do. If it doesn't work out, the farm is always there and I can go back into isolation. I still have no plan though. Going to wait until I'm in Amsterdam to figure it all out at the end of April.

 

[romuros]

Man, I am so seeing myself in your posts. I don't have any medical issues but i can totally get where you are.
I just wen't over 40. have two kids and wife that we don't get along anymore. I am running 2 grows on different locations and having regular job that i hate but can't quit because if i will divorce i need a job or she will get full custody.
I also take all care of the kids since wife is having alcohol problems so i can't say she is really reliable.
Having also some problems due to middle age crisis.
But enough of me.

When i noticed few years ago that i am burning out mentaly and physical i knew i have to do something or I will go crazy.
I also have nobody to rely on since partner that hold one grow in his house is so lazy that rather see plants dry out that just take the phone and call me that they need watering.
I had to realise that nothing on world is more important that myself.
It was very hard to force myself to become thinking that way but after 6 month it became natural thinking for me. It was rely hard training and i get lost few times by the way.

I started with basics which i belive is my body. If my body isn't fit than my brain can't work properly. We having a saying here: Clear mind in a healthy body.
I did a schedule for exercises and meals and make it the priority so nothing but i mean nothing can get more important.
At first i was loosing a lot of time on this i get so many frustrations by not be able to hold on with my plans but after every fall i came out stronger.

Now is something natural for me to eat breakfast and take 30 min for exercise in the morning before kids wake up.
I still do cooking for hole week and put portions it in freezers so we can eat healthy food in no time.
I go running for 45 min 4 times per week after kids went to sleep.

What i want to say is you need to put yourself together but start with the basics.
You said you can't get to store. If you don't have money problems call the cab from city or make a deal with grocery store to deliver food to you for extra charge. I know you don't like the idea of anybody coming to you farm but eventually you will have to eat.

Get some time for your body do some running or fast walking( you will say that is too cold, that is still winter
but is nothing that will make you happier then to get back into warm house

You MUST EAT and DRINK enough water in order to give your brain posibility for clean thinking.
Your brain CAN'T WORK well with exhausted body.

Man I really hope that depression faze will be soon over.

And one thing on vacations. I will NEVER AGAIN go on vacation with unfinished things left behind. That are no vacations that is torturing.
If you need to take you brains on holidays you first need to unplug them from daily routine. With tasks left to do you will not be able to
recharge youself.

 

[RB56]

There's bi-polar and then there's situational depression. Not taking care of yourself in complete isolation is a perfect recipe for situational depression. You've not only put yourself in prison, you've put yourself in solitary. 40 is the cutoff between kid and not kid. Abuse you used to be able absorb is going to take a toll. You need an exercise routine (manual labor isn't enough). You need to eat.

You need to see people. You either need to drive or you need to be closer to other people. There are reasons agrarian communities have structured social interaction built into the calendar. Too much time alone means too much time inside our own head.

Nobody will ever care as much about your stuff as you do. Your workers are part of your long term plan. You are part of their short term plan. Being the weed guy is not a bad thing. At least you're the something guy. That can be a very useful role if you're half a nut bag with limited social skills.

It's great to have a long term plan but you can't completely sacrifice the best years of your life to make it happen. IMO you aren't really winning if you are sitting on a pile of money - if all you can do is sit because you're too busted up to do anything else.

This winter has sucked. Everybody is depressed. Spring is coming.

 

[mowood3479]

yep... i agree with alot of posters on this thread... snype i empathize, i do. please try to eat regularly... and excersize and also figure out a way to get some time away from the farm. those would be my suggestions. i hope spring comes soon for all of us

 

[growsjoe1]

Worth noting...there is a vast difference between the occasional depression anyone experiences such as in winter, or when something bad happens and CLINICAL depression. People suffering from clinical depression feel isolated, lonely, and hopeless - even when circumstances don't seem to justify it.

My friend's doctor described it the best..

If you told someone with Clinical depression that there's a box in the next room that has every solution to your problems, filled with happiness, joy, peace and prosperity - and to have all those things, all you need to do is get up, walk to the next room and get the box.... The problem is... THEY JUST CAN'T find the strength, will, or ambition to get out of their chair and go get the box.

People who are clinically depressed know all the things they should do. They simply don't have the ability to actually DO them.
That's why its a disorder, and why its so hard for people to understand it...

 

[ronbo51]

I lived in rural isolation for 25 years in Maine and I know cabin fever when I see it, and I see it big time. Your mind is trapped in a feedback loop of negativity that you can't break. And this long hard winter is not helping. I would go outside A LOT. Notice the little bits of spring that are trying to get going. Peepers will be singing soon, buds swell and get color. Crocuses bloom, the wonderful cycle of life spins another quarter turn, full of renewal and hope. Hang on hard, warm weather will make you better. One thing I thought while reading your story is that very few people can thrive alone. I am very good at it, but that does not mean you should feed that tendency. Take some money and open an ecig store in the nearest town of any size. You smoke right? Get a high quality ecig, some good flavors and get educated. Start small or go big. You will make money, quite a bit really, and you will be forced to be around people. When the state you live in goes medical you can sell concentrates along with your regular wares and you will be rolling. We have 7 stores right now, growth curve is always pointing up every month. Very rewarding helping lifelong smokers quit. You can hire a girl to man the store after a couple months and just manage the inventory. That's my advice. Good luck. Go for a walk.

 

[Snype]

My friend's doctor described it the best..

If you told someone with Clinical depression that there's a box in the next room that has every solution to your problems, filled with happiness, joy, peace and prosperity - and to have all those things, all you need to do is get up, walk to the next room and get the box.... The problem is... THEY JUST CAN'T find the strength, will, or ambition to get out of their chair and go get the box.

People who are clinically depressed know all the things they should do. They simply don't have the ability to actually DO them.
That's why its a disorder, and why its so hard for people to understand it....


.

These statements describe my current exact situation. I've been in bed for 5 days. I have food in the house but can't get myself to eat besides 5 bananas and an apple. For some reason there's something stopping me from doing things. The only thing I've really done is water my MOMs and that took a lot of energy for me to do. It took me hours to prepare for that 15 minutes of hand watering. I tried to harvest a soil plant last night but gave up after 1 branch. This hasn't happened to me for a long time. I remember a time years ago where I was in bed for months and couldn't get out. It was like I was extremely happy to be depressed. I can't really explain it. I clearly remember listing to Nirvana at the time and it was like Kurt Cobain was talking to me through his music. I remember it like it was yesterday, the summer of 1996 when I spent over 2 months in bed. I have money. Things are supposed to be real good for me right now. I got more pounds harvesting in roughly 2 weeks and I'm sitting on mad pounds as well. I also have almost a pound of The White that was grown in soil as well as some fresh picked Illuminati, KK StarDawg and Pootie Tang. I also have over 10 ounces of Hash Oil. But I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The only thing I've really done besides talk here on IC is watch 9 seasons of the X-Files and I'm on the 4th season of The Unit. I haven't showered or washed in about 3 weeks. I still brush my teeth everyday though. Back in the 90's someone wrote a song about me. It might explain a few things. I stopped using drugs over 10 years ago:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH0Hj8xccmQ