The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[BornToBeWild]

Kids were in class and teacher asked them "what part of your body goes to heaven first?" Little girl raises her hand and says "your arms you will have arms up praying" Then little Johnny raises his hand and says "your legs I couldn't sleep and walked into parents bedroom mom had her legs in the air and said oh god Im coming!"

 

[nobull56]

Retired Fun

Retired Fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an (your Politacal party here) sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.

 

[BornToBeWild]

A hillbilly decides to go into town because he has never been there. He sees a mirror looks at it and says "wow theres a picture of daddy" and he buys it. He takes it home and remembered his wife hated his dad so he hung it in the barn. As the hillbilly makes way too many stops at the barn his wife decides to go out see what was happening out there, she sees the mirror and says "so thats the bitch hes been messing around with!"

 

[b00m]

^^^ROFL Born that's to funny mate

 

[shafty420]

so the chilean miner rescue attempt has been a success. just in the nick of time too
apparently the us rescue team has just arrived with a box of hand grenades

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.

 

[BornToBeWild]

This newlywed couple go to Jamaica for their honeymoon, the husband wanted some new flips flops so they go into this small shop on the beach. He sees a pair he really likes but asks the Jamaican fella why they are so expensive "mon they will make you horny as can be" said the Jamaican. He looked at his wife and she smiled while the Jamaican helped another tourist. So the husband tries them on and immediately walks behind the Jamaican pulls down his pants and goes to work Jamaican man yells "mon you put them on the wrong foot!"

 

[shafty420]

What do you call the thing around the Clitoris?

The kitchen.

This website contains adult material that is not suitable for anyone under 18 years of age. If you are under 18 you are not allowed to use this site without parental consent"
"...MUUUUUUUUM CAN I HAVE A WANK?"

 

[nobull56]

Can You Spare Just $2.00?

Can You Spare Just $2.00?

Can you spare just $2?

Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only
1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2, we will send you the video, it's fucking hilarious!

 

[nobull56]

I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the
back yard. They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.


Been to the optometrist today he told me I was color blind. Now I'm fuckin' worried
that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagin.


I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently,
Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.

 

[#1cheesebuds]

Roses are red vioilets are blue people sure suck but then... so do you. LOL LOL LOL.

ha ha ha ha. I made a funny.

 

[bud lover]

dear deirdre,
i'm about three years into my relationship now and started having erection difficulties.
my girlfriend and i have different ideas about how to treat the problem,she bought me some viagra and ive bought the fat bitch a treadmill.

 

[alecto]

I tried some viagra...the effect was immediate ...it went up...
my wife wished to have a closer look at it...it went down...
I said : "see it recognizes you..."

 

[nobull56]

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off,
So I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
Just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[MJBadger]

Subject: SYDNEY RADIO COMPETITION



This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same =three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.


Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'


Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'


Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'


DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'


Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'



DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'


Sarah: 'No.'



DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'



Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'



Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'



DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'



Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'




DJ: Come on Sarah....where did you have it?









Sarah: 'Up the ar*e.....'


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.







"This e-mail and the information it contains are confidential and may be
privileged. If you have received this e-mail in error please notify us
immediately. You should not copy it for any purpose, or disclose its
contents to any other person."


I had to laugh when i got this . Stay green .

 

[nobull56]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

 

[midgethorse]

What do you call to mexicans boxing?
Juan on Juan

 

[Strainhunter]

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation

All right, I hope this is not considered racial since it is intended and was written just as a joke.

Should I be wrong regarding the racial part or should anyone feel this joke is "stepping on someones foot" of course please feel free to report/delete.


I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
Today's word is..........Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[WasntMe]

http://instantrimshot.com/

I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your bartendar.

 

[bobcat1963]

Classic.I will leave the one with the epeleptic oyster shucker and the whore out of this.

 

[MrBluntfaced]

OH...MY...GOD...that is epic, please tell me you REALLY heard this conversation and it wasn't just for delivery of the joke...


EDIT: I am referring to the LOST IN TRANSLATION post that was merged into this thread