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The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

U

"Username"

What is the difference between erotic asphyxiation and a rear naked choke in an MMA cage fight?

Not much really, just an orgasm as far as I can tell.
 
U

"Username"

I never use the "N" word because it's an offensive and ugly word,

I use the "B" word, which is way more descriptive.
The other day I was in the changeroom and there were Biggers everywhere
 
U

"Username"

Arrghh the worst thing about getting a new username is that I can't edit my posts until I stack up a certain number of posts, not sure why this is so?
Here's the edited version of the above post.

I never use the "N" word because it's offensive and ugly. I use the "B" word, which is way more descriptive.
The other day I was in the changeroom and there were Biggers everywhere!
 
Vash

Vash

Ol' Skool
ICMag Donor
Veteran
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean. 'How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself tha' same. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
 
KGB47

KGB47

"It's just a flesh wound"
Veteran
A Texan, A Floridian, and a Californian all die and

go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

The Texan asks to call Dallas and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so the Texan writes him a check.

Next the Floridian calls Miami and talks for 30 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a check.

Finally the Californian gets his turn he calls Sacramento and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When the Texan hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why the Californian got to call Sacramento so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Gavin Newsome took over, the state has gone to hell, so it's a local call”.
 
Vash

Vash

Ol' Skool
ICMag Donor
Veteran
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.
 
Vash

Vash

Ol' Skool
ICMag Donor
Veteran
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
 
BadTicket

BadTicket

ØG T®ipL3 ØG³
Moderator
Veteran
So I was talking to my girlfriend, I said "Hey babe, I'd like a little pussy?"
She said "Me too, mine's as big as a house!"

From Predator, hehe :tiphat:

..I'll get me coat..

:tiphat:
 
yoss33

yoss33

Well-known member
Veteran
TNTBudSticker said:
Good advice: If ever attacked by a bear, your chances of survival are greatly increased if you are also a bear.
Click to expand...

- You know what's best agains an attacking bear? To smear your body with shit.
- What if there's no shit around?
- There will be, there will be!
 
mr.brunch

mr.brunch

Well-known member
Veteran
✓
My daughter keeps singing songs from Disney movies.
I tried telling her to let it go, but it just made things worse
 
mean mr.mustard

mean mr.mustard

I Pass Satellites
Veteran
I laughed out loud so hard I freaked out the dogs...

How do I always find myself in here with no rep left...

Like every damn time.
 
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