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I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
Now everyone waves at me
Now everyone waves at me
An English lesson, in a joke....
An English lesson, in a joke....
On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned,”This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1, 2, 3.”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for? ’
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
An English lesson, in a joke....
On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned,”This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1, 2, 3.”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for? ’
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Golly:kitty:
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Snook
Still Learning
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for town.
Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.
Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here."
Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple…by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?"
As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.
Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, "This is the one, right here."
Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, young lady, 'cause I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple…by the nail that's over its stall," she explains with confidence.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?"
As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
Snook
Still Learning
[FONT="]Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day![/FONT]
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day![/FONT]
anyone know the difference between a lentil & a chickpea? no man ever had a lentil on his chest...
Is there another use for freeze drying cannabis other than making hash?
Yeah you can preserve a dead animal
Yeah you can preserve a dead animal
SelectaZooly
New member
It’s got four legs and an arm, what is it?
I met a transvestite from the north of England.
He had a Wigan address...
.
He had a Wigan address...
.
Center for Disease Control: “please maintain a minimum social distance of at least 6 feet”
Society of Chronic Stalkers: “challenge accepted!!!”
Society of Chronic Stalkers: “challenge accepted!!!”
Snook
Still Learning
Political Promises
Political Promises
Political Promises
BIDEN finally breaks down and visits a remote northern reservation.
With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there was anything they need.
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.
First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."
Biden whips out his cell phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up.
"I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.
Now what was the second problem?"
"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years.
We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."
Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up.
"The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people.
Now what was that third problem?"
The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there was anything they need.
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.
First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."
Biden whips out his cell phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up.
"I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.
Now what was the second problem?"
"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years.
We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."
Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up.
"The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people.
Now what was that third problem?"
The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
OLD MAN TELLS FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!
OLD MAN TELLS FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!
OLD MAN TELLS FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WVhbgoe854
OLD MAN TELLS FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!
OLD MAN TELLS FUNNIEST JOKE EVER!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WVhbgoe854
