lamenamenumbers
Member
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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MicroRoy
Active member
WTH IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOW DAYS?!?!? Just got home from Walmart and while at the checkout I dropped a $20 bill... the lady in front of me picked it up... I thanked her and told her that it was mine and she said "The things found on earth are kept by the collector" and walks away... I looked at the cashier who is as amazed as me and, in a loud voice, I say to the lady, "is this some kind of joke?! Give me back my $20!" I followed her into the parking lot, still shouting, but she would not stop.... When she got to her car, she put her shopping bags on the ground to open her car door. So I ran up, grabbed the bags and ran off yelling "The things found on earth are kept by the collector!!" I went home nervous, shaken and agitated because I've never stolen anything in my life, I opened her bags...and what did I find inside?????????????
All the lies that you just read
All the lies that you just read
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Willard," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his head.
"Jeez, Ethel, I don't see why the pig should be punished for something that happened 50 years ago."
"Let's have a party, Willard," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his head.
"Jeez, Ethel, I don't see why the pig should be punished for something that happened 50 years ago."
MicroRoy
Active member
Funny shit.
How come Barbie never gets pregnant? Ken always came in a different box....
MicroRoy
Active member
How come Barbie never gets pregnant? Ken always came in a different box....
Good one.
One for the ladies
One for the ladies
A fairly inebriated dude began running off on a scantily clad yet gorgeous woman sitting at the bar.
Women! What's the use?! They go around flaunting their stuff when they're out and about but once they come home with you they're all like ya need a contract filled out in triplicate to place a finger on them. Then they smoke your best weed and pass out on the couch.
The beauty sitting on the barstool looked askance at the dude and says "Men are like pantyhose. Some run, some are clingy and some don't fit right in the crotch.
One for the ladies
A fairly inebriated dude began running off on a scantily clad yet gorgeous woman sitting at the bar.
Women! What's the use?! They go around flaunting their stuff when they're out and about but once they come home with you they're all like ya need a contract filled out in triplicate to place a finger on them. Then they smoke your best weed and pass out on the couch.
The beauty sitting on the barstool looked askance at the dude and says "Men are like pantyhose. Some run, some are clingy and some don't fit right in the crotch.
It's Not Weed
It's Not Weed
Phineus had read that an extract of Knotweed worked great for ridding garden plants of harmful fungal pathogens like powdery mildew. So he chopped some down he found growing wild and dried it out in the shed. When it came time to use it he had to powder it up in blender to mix it into hot water to make extract.
He discovered that it worked great to get rid of powdery mildew and reported this to his friend Freddy. Freddy wanted to try some on his garden but did not have a blender. "No problem" said Phineus; "I'll just powder some up for you n' bring it over"
Phineus dropped the ziplock of green powder on the passenger seat of his 78 Chrysler Cordoba beater and headed to Freddy's. Halfway through the ten minute drive flashing lights in the rear view mirror told Phineus to pull over. He wondered what he had done as the cop approached.
The cop asked "Are you aware that your rear....wha..what is that?" pointing to the bag of green on the passenger seat. Phineus replied "It's knotweed" The cop hears 'it's not weed' and says "don't be smart with me; what is it?"
Phineus replies "Honest, it is knotweed". The cop is turning red as he thinks this stupid hippy is having fun with him. "This is your last chance to come clean; Is that marijuana in that bag?"
"No man, on my mother, it's knotweed!"
"Well what is it then?"
"It's knotweed. I can explai..." "That's it! You're under arrest for possession and interfering with law enforcement.
Freddy picked Phineus up from the copshop several hours later, bag of not weed in hand.
It's Not Weed
Phineus had read that an extract of Knotweed worked great for ridding garden plants of harmful fungal pathogens like powdery mildew. So he chopped some down he found growing wild and dried it out in the shed. When it came time to use it he had to powder it up in blender to mix it into hot water to make extract.
He discovered that it worked great to get rid of powdery mildew and reported this to his friend Freddy. Freddy wanted to try some on his garden but did not have a blender. "No problem" said Phineus; "I'll just powder some up for you n' bring it over"
Phineus dropped the ziplock of green powder on the passenger seat of his 78 Chrysler Cordoba beater and headed to Freddy's. Halfway through the ten minute drive flashing lights in the rear view mirror told Phineus to pull over. He wondered what he had done as the cop approached.
The cop asked "Are you aware that your rear....wha..what is that?" pointing to the bag of green on the passenger seat. Phineus replied "It's knotweed" The cop hears 'it's not weed' and says "don't be smart with me; what is it?"
Phineus replies "Honest, it is knotweed". The cop is turning red as he thinks this stupid hippy is having fun with him. "This is your last chance to come clean; Is that marijuana in that bag?"
"No man, on my mother, it's knotweed!"
"Well what is it then?"
"It's knotweed. I can explai..." "That's it! You're under arrest for possession and interfering with law enforcement.
Freddy picked Phineus up from the copshop several hours later, bag of not weed in hand.
MicroRoy
Active member
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
O
[omerta]
R
Robrites
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
R
Robrites
I saw a sign that made me shit myself
I saw a sign that made me shit myself
It said "Bathroom Closed"
I saw a sign that made me shit myself
It said "Bathroom Closed"
Saw 2 blind men fighting in the street today. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife".
You should have seen how fast they both ran.
You should have seen how fast they both ran.
MicroRoy
Active member
Thats funny.
Snook
Still Learning
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué
and worried that it might offend other diners,
went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man: "Pardon me, sir. . . but I think
your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, she didn't. She just walked in the door!"
They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué
and worried that it might offend other diners,
went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man: "Pardon me, sir. . . but I think
your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, she didn't. She just walked in the door!"
