The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[MicroRoy]

Two wives went out drinking one night. They were to drunk to drove home and decided to walk.

Then they needed to pee just as they were passing the grave yard. The squated and peed one slid our of her panties to wipe with. The other took a wreath off of a grave to wipe with.

The next morning one husband called the other. Cusses at him then tells him. My wife can't go out with your wife again. She came home with no parties.

The other husband cussed then said. My wife came home with a card in her crack. It said. From all the guys at the fire house. We will never forget you.

 

[Cannabis]

Frigging hilarity ensues

Two wives went out drinking one night. They were to drunk to drove home and decided to walk.

Then they needed to pee just as they were passing the grave yard. The squated and peed one slid our of her panties to wipe with. The other took a wreath off of a grave to wipe with.

The next morning one husband called the other. Cusses at him then tells him. My wife can't go out with your wife again. She came home with no parties.

The other husband cussed then said. My wife came home with a card in her crack. It said. From all the guys at the fire house. We will never forget you.

 

[99%]

Sales Manager "We have to stop testing our products on animals"
CEO "Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time"
Sales Manager "Yeah, but we are a dildo company"

 

[Huckster79]

The vision of a rat getting jammed w anal beads just killed my munchies 99

 

[armedoldhippy]

The vision of a rat getting jammed w anal beads just killed my munchies 99

how fast could you twirl one around over your head before they came out? could you hear him scream before he hit the wall? NOW go eat...

 

[Cannabis]

I was sitting here eating some raisin bran and browsing felching accessories for a picnic; enjoying my breakfast.

You guys started making fun of my wedding. It made me upset and I paced around looking at my fashionable felching magazine. I got gassy and indigestion, due to the emotional upheaval

of pondering why people hate rats and ostensibly the people who love them and understand their needs, such as myself.

Eventually I went out to my motorcycle to go to work cause I couldn't eat any more - you guys had made my heart sick -

and on the street riding along I finally farted; I blew out my beads and they fell out of the side of my thong and got hung in the chain of the motorcycle.

The string of course broke when the beads began WhaCK-WHaCK-WHacking on the ground like all the bearings falling out of a meat grinder. One of them slung around and hit the windshield of a police cruiser going the other way and he thought I did it on purpose so he rammed me with his car.

So here I am chained to a hospital bed facing charges,

due to you guys' cultural insensitivity and persecutions of me.

And my beloved husband Fido who was also a victim of a roadway attack when he stuck his nose up, located a poodle down the block,
and left me! The bastard! And was unceremonially run over with our entwined hearts leash still trailing from his tasteful, and sensitive spiked collar.
He loved that collar.
So did I..

 

[Weezard]

Those weren't raisins.

 

[armedoldhippy]

Those weren't raisins.

love presents from his rat?

 

[Weezard]

Think that's sick?
Try rat on a stick.
Though it does cut down on stray raisins.

 

[Snook]

Think that's sick?
Try rat on a stick.
Though it does cut down on stray raisins.

I had monkey on a stick in Bangkok in 1968, can still taste it..

 

[Stoner4Life]

Think that's sick?
Try rat on a stick.
Though it does cut down on stray raisins.

I used to hunt & eat squirrel, but I'd have to draw the line @ rat.

I had monkey on a stick in Bangkok in 1968, can still taste it..View Image

idk why, but I'd imagine that monkey has a greasy, tallowy taste to it. I'd go straight up vegan before eating monkey meat.

 

[Slim Pickens]

Ever seen those videos of the monkeys in India stealing stuff from tourists and all that?

Some monkey pulls that shiat with me,and I'll have him gutted and on the BBQ before you can say "Slim..Don't do it!".

Stupid Monkeys.

(ok,what movie was that from?)

 

[DocTim420]

Many years ago, I found myself stranded in mountains, no cell phone, no radio, and no food. I heard a rustle in the bushes and found a bald eagle with a broken wing stuck in the thicket. So I killed it, cleaned it, roasted it and ate it.

Next day a Park Ranger found me and as we were walking towards civilization I told him what I did and I was promptly arrested for killing the bald eagle. At my court arraignment the judge (an avid game hunter) asked me, "what did the bald eagle taste like"...and I promptly told him, "Just like a spotted owl".

 

[Snook]

I used to hunt & eat squirrel, but I'd have to draw the line @ rat.


squirrel = bushy tailed tree rat. samey same...
I used to eatem too.. hunting buddy of mine, many years ago, used to have starlings in his freezer wrapped in tinfoil.. looked like potatoes , mom liked them.

idk why, but I'd imagine that monkey has a greasy, tallowy taste to it. I'd go straight up vegan before eating monkey meat.

what did it actually taste like??? I had been in the bush for 8.5 months, I was 20 and on R&R.. and everything was a go..

>>>Tsinghai beer.. 22oz bottles / 18% alcohol.. many of them, Ice Fn COLD!!!! and have only a few fleeting remembrances of those 5 days.. with the help of some very good weed from the cab driver.. blew $1700 in those 5 days.. amazing.

 

[armedoldhippy]

squirrel & dumplings, ooooweee! had a buddy shot & ate robins whenever he was camping, breasted them out like doves & cooked them. he said they tasted like woodcock. since both birds eat almost nothing but worms, makes sense.

 

[Iffy]

Boss says to his secretary; "Let me fuck you once for $1000. I'll be real quick and if I throw the money on the floor, before you bend down and pick it up, I'll be done !"
His secretary thinks on this for a moment before nodding but says she'll have to ask her boyfriend. She calls her man and he agrees as they need the money but with a few conditions and tells her; "It's fine honey but ask him for $2000 and be very quick picking up the money!"
So the secretary agrees to her boss giving her one from behind.
Four hours later, her boyfriend calls her back, clearly concerned.
"What happenned - I haven't heard from you in hours?"
His breathless girlfriend answers him;
"The bastard is still fucking me - he brought coins!"

Important Life Lesson: 'Investments are subject to market risks.'

 

[Iffy]

Russian Humour

Russian Humour

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said" replied the boy.

Brilliant mate - very funny!

 

[DocTim420]

So I was at this bar in San Franciso with my wife and we just finished our 3rd round of drinks, when two guys next to us starting talking loudly.

"My cock is sooo long that I can stick a dozen donuts on it when I gotta a hard on", said the tall one.

The fat guy said, "Oh yeah, my dick hangs so low that I gotta stick it inside my sock when I wear shorts without undies".

The guy across the room joined in, "I bet you can't tie it in a square knot...I can."

The big biker dude at the end of the bar said, "Oh yeah, mine is so..." and the bartender shouts, "Alright. Alright. Alright. Enough of this shit, everyone toss in $100 in the pot and whip out your fucking cocks. The biggest one wins. Period!

So, whop, whop, whop, whop, whop, whop...about half dozen guys are standing at the bar with their pants down, each holding a giant salami sized cock--then unexpectedly, a pair of gay guys walk in and stop in their tracks. One gleefully mutters to the other, "Oh myyyy, a buffet!

 

[MicroRoy]

Apparently putting alka-seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized & pretending im possesed by the devil is not funny.​

 

[Robrites]

A little girl was playing in the garden

A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."