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R
Robrites
I have a buddy that is 84 and the state pulled his license because he had a few stokes. He bought one of those side by side ATV's with a roof and a windshield and drives all over hell. Got to love his spirit. (and yours!)
Old one, but I like it
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Dang the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
" I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Dang the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall
in the barn You show him where the cow is when
he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination
man arrives and knocks on th e front door. Amy takes him down to the
barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one...right here"
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think
just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me l ady, how
did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall."
Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete
confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall
in the barn You show him where the cow is when
he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination
man arrives and knocks on th e front door. Amy takes him down to the
barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one...right here"
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think
just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me l ady, how
did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall."
Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete
confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
dammit, out of rep AGAIN! i owe you big-time, bro...
R
Robrites
I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear your reaction ))
I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear your reaction ))
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said" replied the boy.
I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear your reaction ))
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said" replied the boy.
twistedthreads
Active member
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
I was a 12 year old Navy brat, living in Guantanamo Bay in '65. (I loved it there)
Caddying for Navy officers at the golf course, I got to hear some great Navy/ Marine jokes....
The navy base also had a radio station, and some sailors worked as part time DJ's there...
One afternoon, between songs, the DJ announced,
"The current time is now 8 bells...for you Air Force and Army personnel here, that is 1600 hours."
"And for you Marines; the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the 4...."
Caddying for Navy officers at the golf course, I got to hear some great Navy/ Marine jokes....
The navy base also had a radio station, and some sailors worked as part time DJ's there...
One afternoon, between songs, the DJ announced,
"The current time is now 8 bells...for you Air Force and Army personnel here, that is 1600 hours."
"And for you Marines; the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the 4...."
A man is sitting by the doctor. The Doctor says,: Bad news, you got cancer and alzheimer. The Man,: Godthanks, no cancer.
Just remembered this one from way back in primary school that I didn't get until just now
What do you call an upset German? sauerkraut
Wow intersting, for you known since School, for me new in 2017!
Ah, upsted,.. upsted? needed some seconds!! Lol, very cool!
MicroRoy
Active member
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Whats the best birth control?
The pull out method.....its when you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party and no one will have sex with you.
The pull out method.....its when you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party and no one will have sex with you.
R
Robrites
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?' Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' 'Correct Claire' The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?' Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!' 'Correct again Claire' And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question 'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?' Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out 'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?' Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' 'Correct Claire' The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?' Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!' 'Correct again Claire' And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question 'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?' Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out 'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'
R
Robrites
I ate my mom...
I ate my mom...
Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.
I ate my mom...
Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.
I know this one is like, the very first joke I told in this very thread but a thousand or so jokes later for us all,
Did you know one of the three characters, (their names are snap, crackle, and pop, and they say those words, in the ads) who advertised in the little suits, for Special K?
One of these guys just got diagnosed as bipolar.
They were at a shoot, and pop sorta threw out one hand and foot, smiled big and said *!SNaP!*
Crackle did a half-turn, big smile, hand out, best foot forward, and said "!*CRaCKLe*!"
Pop turned to the camera, smiled a second then looked puzzled, and shouted "HeyYouKnowWHaT, FUCK her, MaN! FuCK fucking HER, fuck HER, f u c k HER!"
Did you know one of the three characters, (their names are snap, crackle, and pop, and they say those words, in the ads) who advertised in the little suits, for Special K?
One of these guys just got diagnosed as bipolar.
They were at a shoot, and pop sorta threw out one hand and foot, smiled big and said *!SNaP!*
Crackle did a half-turn, big smile, hand out, best foot forward, and said "!*CRaCKLe*!"
Pop turned to the camera, smiled a second then looked puzzled, and shouted "HeyYouKnowWHaT, FUCK her, MaN! FuCK fucking HER, fuck HER, f u c k HER!"
There is a news program on MSNBC called "The 11th Hour With Brian Williams"--the guy that lied his ass off about Hurricane Katrina and other shit that ultimately got him booted off the Peacock (NBC)...
...the funny thing, it's only a 30 minute broadcast.
Puff, puff...pass the joint.....heeeere.
...the funny thing, it's only a 30 minute broadcast.
Puff, puff...pass the joint.....heeeere.
