The joke thread, cause we all need to laugh!!!!!!

[Cannabis]

This from my youth:

One bright morning,
Late at night,

two dead boys
got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,
pulled out their swords, and shot one another.

The deaf policeman
heard the noise,

and came and killed,
the two dead boys.

If you don't believe
this lie is true,

Ask the blind man:
he saw it, too.

 

[Cannabis]

Why do stereotypes never fade?

Because people never change.

 

[Cannabis]

A sadist,

a masochist,

a murderer,

a necrophile,

a zoophile

and a pyromaniac

were all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

One of them, the zoophile, had a good idea, and said, "Let's have sex with that cat!"

"Let's have sex with the cat, and then torture it!" says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's torture and kill it, and THEN have sex with it!" said the necrophile.

" Let's torture and kill it, have sex with it and burn it!" said the pyromaniac.

It was quiet for awhile and the masochist

said:

"Meow..."

 

[Cannabis]

A man and his buddy are playing their weekly golf game one day at the local course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees, out of the corner of his eye, a funeral procession - slowly driving by, on the road, out in front of the course,

a few hundred yards from the seventh there, where they're playing.

His buddy, seeing him squinting out at the sad funeral procession going by, gets nervous to see his friend's game interrupted by this break in his concentration, and pulls off his ball cap, and kinda watches his bro - who's postured up for his shot, but keeps squinting in the general direction of the tops of the cars going by the gates with this REALLY odd, TROUBLED look on his face.

After a few minutes, and traffic resumes normal speed.
The procession's obviously over.

But the guy stays frozen, staring into middle space - kinda hunched up for his shot, but not really in stance.

Obviously, seeing those people having their day,
while he was out there in the beautiful green and roughs - he's really troubled.

He looks over at his friend: thinking about the poor people in the funeral procession, has obviously shocked him.

They stand there for a few minutes; and finally, his buddy who pulled off his cap, says,

"Okay, okay, we had three kids, and were together for 35 years. Now: are you gonna swing or what?"

 

[Cannabis]

Two Middle Eastern ladies were sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli.

The older of them pulled out a photo collection and started flipping through photos.

And thus, they began to reminisce.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me…" says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby.
My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh,
the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,

"They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

 

[Cannabis]

A child molesting pedophile, who'd molested hundreds of children, and

a drunk, who had plowed into a crowd of people on the sidewalk and just kept driving, and

a thief, who had stolen thousands of dollars scamming old people out of their pensions,

and a priest
whose personal record and reputation

were perfectly spotless,
from even the smallest of sins,

walked into a bar. Okay - so that's the first guy.

 

[Cannabis]

There is one game with a history of surprisingly high heart attack fatality rates. Veterans of it aren't immune even if the people they're playing against aren't good at it.

American football?

Rugby?

No... charades

LoL.

 

[mr.brunch]

My girlfriend says she is leaving me because I'm an irritating talentless child-like worthless prick

And I was like

Baby, baby, baby ooh .....

 

[twistedthreads]

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her five items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as sin".

 

[mr.brunch]

I've been making rude jokes at the ski resort all day.
I shouldn't really.....

it's a slippery slope.

 

[mr.brunch]

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

 

[spudwhank]

Did you know the bible predicted the legalization of gay marriage and marijuana?
It clearly states in Leviticus that if a man lays with a man he shall be stoned.

 

[mr.brunch]

Just watched the Roast of Justin Bieber and I now stand corrected.

You CAN take the piss out of shit

 

[Stoner4Life]

So I went to the library today and asked, "excuse me, have you got the new book on tiny penises???

She said, "I don't think it's in yet."

"Yes, yes that's the one......."

 

[mr.brunch]

I succesfully predicted the lottery last night.

I predicted I'd win fuck all.

 

[wodi]

Some very funny stuff, thanks for the laughs

 

[kaochiu]

- Mummy...
- Yes dear?
- I don't like grandpa...
- Well...just put it aside and eat the potatoes

 

[kaochiu]

American tourist in the French countryside. He goes early in the morning, attracted from the smell from the local boulangerie. As he enters, he asks if he can see the boulanger at work. The man is making potato size rolls of dough, then he places them under his armpit and with a precise arm stroke he gets both horns of a croissant. The american open his eyes in horror
- That's fucking disgusting!
And the boulanger can't stop laughing
- What's so funny now, you pig?
- errr, wait until i start making donuts!

 

[Cannabis]

This is the story of four guys: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and one named Nobody. Somebody told Everybody something had to get done. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because of course it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it; but Nobody realized that Everybody who was asked to, wouldn't do it.
Consequently Nobody told Anybody, which caused Everybody to blame Somebody for something Nobody got done, which Anybody could have done, but Nobody did.

 

[Cannabis]

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says,

"You know how to drive this thing?!"