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fulltimehuman
Active member
Like I aways say 'if you can't laugh at yourself, someone will come along worth laughing at soon enough.'
That also was a joke, but thank you for pointing out the obvious kids. And here I always thought people were supposed to post jokes here and were never judgmental :rolls eyes:
So: "This past weekend I set up a double date that turned into a mind blowing date-swap." a guy told his buddy.
"I actually organized a threesome last night," the friend said. "There were a couple no-shows, but I still had fun."
Bwa, bwa
So: "This past weekend I set up a double date that turned into a mind blowing date-swap." a guy told his buddy.
"I actually organized a threesome last night," the friend said. "There were a couple no-shows, but I still had fun."
Bwa, bwa
1+2 = 3
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
shroomologist
Member
Good stuff!
checking into a motel, I asked the lady night desk clerk if the porn channel was disabled?
she said no ...it's regular porn...you sick bastard!
she said no ...it's regular porn...you sick bastard!
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg…”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give ‘love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg…”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.
There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”
No, God will save me!” he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”
One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”
No, God will save me!” he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken
wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes
back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another
book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes
later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives
the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into
the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog,
who then says, "Reddit, reddit."
wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes
back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another
book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes
later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives
the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into
the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog,
who then says, "Reddit, reddit."
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband
asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year
old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her
husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never
came up in the conversation."
asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year
old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her
husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never
came up in the conversation."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind
their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I
really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her
date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I
really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her
date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie
Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a
concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a
concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
A husband took his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people start dancing.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for everyone, the whole works.
The wife turned to her husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
The husband replied: "It looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people start dancing.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for everyone, the whole works.
The wife turned to her husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
The husband replied: "It looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
