Man, I don't know if I even want to do this anymore

[CoCoSativas]

Heres a thought and I will surely get stoned (not the good kind) for bringing this up on a cannabis forum but quit partaking for a while. Get your head clear. Give it a try. It worked for me.

Might work for some. Not for me, if I stop toking I could get into a disagreement and really hurt someone. I have anger problems. If someone even made a quick movement in my direction when I have none it could get dangerous real fast. Id take it as a threat, its just my nature. Wothout the weed im like an animal.

The op sounds depressed. Get more excersise if possible. I slacked this winter, wanted to shoot myself.

Well, as far as depression relating to spending time in the joint, answer is dont get caught. Step up your stealth game. Watch barrycoopers how not to get busted.

If you earn a living growing, sorry to say thats probavly not going to change. I know lots of cash croppers, they do it for life most ive seen. I know a guy whos 55, NEVER HAD A REAL JOB EVER!

Maybe its time. Pick up partime work and still grow, or fulltime and grow personall.

Your best bet is read a clonong tutorial, snypes is dope... Then get your veg space unfucked. It only takes a few hours buddy. Growing isint for the lazy. It attracts lazies but since youve been at it a while, even earn your living at it, you arent as lazy as you may think or feel. If you are somehow, you dont have to be.

OP keep venting here man. Thats why we are here, support the team (outlr comunity). Keep blowing off preasure until you feelbetter buddy. Always works for me.

Think of it as digging a hole. You need to unload the extra or it will never leave, just keep falling back in place

 

[waveguide]

take up another objective, something else you want to accomplish so the successes and failures of one endeavour aren't so empiric.


i totally recommend c++. everyone should be literate.

 

[trichrider]

seasonal affective disorder.

it's a bummer till it's summer.

sorry for your black attitude. try sunshine, meditation, and exercise.

you're not a lousy grower, those things happen...whether you're a grow guru or a newb, you cannot expect streets paved in gold. I've also seen your pics, and you think you have problems! lol

I sometimes doubt my abilities, until I roll up and toke! then it becomes evident that ICMag has helped me conquer that beast.

find your center...

all the best brah

 

[Dready_jake]

A little negative attitude is way more powerful than twice the amount positive attitude. You have to ward off the negative energy to focus on the positive.Otherwise it will overpower the positive energy.

^^^^^ My experience trying to help FAM and gfs quit those stupid cigarette's.

 

[Lester Beans]

When I feel overwhelmed, self doubting, etc...I pick the fuck up, kick myself in the ass, and remind myself I have very little time on this planet. Maybe even today is my last, who knows. That kicks me into overdrive, I have goals and things to accomplish. No time for self fuckerey. Back to work for me.

Having solid goals is key, it gives a sense of urgency to life. Tomorrow goals, next week, next month and year by year.

Has always worked for me.

I hope you feel better and get that spark back for your craft! Just put those clones in some promix and wait, they will root

 

[kaochiu]

It's got nothing to do with the growing thing. You just suddenly want to be extra deserving of your girlfriend. It'll pass, nay worries. Be proud of fuckever you do, just do it right.

 

[CoCoSativas]

Lots of solid advice.

S.A.D. No shit thats good to point out. Also it happens to people in sunny places in the winter too. I hate the cold so cold does it more than dark for me. I consider myself pretty tough except when it comes to the cold. I run from that shit like a bitch and im not ashamed to say it. I hate it, and its not something I can kick its ass and make go away to iretreat in misery.

Maybe try a new grow method, new strains. Having a hard time with clones, make or buy seeds. I used to only grow from seed.

Challenge yourself. It feels good to apply yourself. I do it all day at work and it rewards me greatly.

 

[vostok]

Man, I'm a fucking mess. I don't know if I'm bi-polar or what. I've seen a psych a bunch and have never been diagnosed as such, but man, I dunno.

I've wasted half of my life growing this fucking plant. I've been arrested, on probation, and in prison because of my irresponsible involvement with it.

I love the perks. The freedom, the never ending supply of the highest quality herbs, the praise from friends and from people I've never met. Who wouldn't want that?

But I'm getting super sick of dealing with the downsides. The aforementioned legal issues, always having to look over my shoulder. In this business, ESPECIALLY in an illegal state, one pretty much has to live their life PERFECTLY in order to be truly successful. Perfect at work, perfect at home, perfect while out. I can't be perfect at work 100% of the time. It's killing me trying. I do stupid things likes leaving an incandescent on in the flowering room while the lights are off. You wanna know something? I ABSOLUTELY SUCK at rooting clones. You wanna know something else? My veg room is a complete travesty.

I want to quit. I want to quit SO BAD. But I haven't had a real job in years and the thought of actually getting one is more depressing than the way I feel right now. So I don't know what to do.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is cut more clones, trim this weed I have dried, and keep on keeping on.

Fuck my life.

I just had to get some shit off my chest, thanks.

Sounds like someones needs a holiday, so take 2-6 months off, you won't ever regret it, it has the benefit of lowering your tolerance too.

A good break, just reminded me of whats been missing in my life, I took a break, by the end of the 3rd week I was buying my wine by the case, and was eager to be germing again.

Like a Sex God...You can't be in the saddle all day and night ...? lol

 

[igrowone]

i will offer a ray of hope, of a sort
you mention that you're in an illegal state
i don't think you have to worry about 40 more years of illegal in too many states
nothing goes on forever, even if it seems that way

 

[Weird]

I thought about talking to you direct but I figured maybe what I will say will resonate with others as well.

You haven't really been the same after jail and you don't seem to see any real opportunity for happiness, just compromise.

You have real world cause for frustration and disappointment, but the toll it is taking is greater than the circumstance should call for. From an external view there is more to be happy about relative to the big picture. Not that you have it great, just that you shouldn't be this down about everything.

It really makes me feel that you are suffering some form of depression that is somehow linked to the change of how you viewed the world before you went in and how you view it now. Not that it can't be biological at this point, but that the experience in and of itself had such an impact it effected your biology.

You will have to find ways integrate behaviors that will offset these feelings in a way that you can slowly build in meaning and purpose, on terms that don't make you feel so compromised.

Good time to chant, turn poison to medicine and remember that impermanence guarantees that this to shall pass and in some way you can effect the outcome.

 

[Crusader Rabbit]

Unc fishstick had some good advice. Get a bike. Spin those pedals everyday and get your heart pumping. Don't come back home until you're tired. Gets you outside and focuses your mind on something different. You'll get better at it each day and come to look forward to the improvement. Exercise breaks the depression cycle and gives you a different outlook on life. Maybe you'll have a longer happier life with your girlfriend because of it too.

If you're a space cadet then apply strategies to cope with the absent mindedness. Timers are good. I eventually took the un-timed light out of the flower room and put it on a long cord so that I had to take it inside with me, and couldn't close the door behind me unless I'd removed the light. If you use an aero-cloner, put it on a one minute on-four minute off cycle timer so that you don't need to unplug the pump to lift the lid without spraying water everywhere.

If it wasn't for the down times, then the good times wouldn't seem so good, would they?

edit;

Weird speaks the truth. You may be suffering from PTSD related to your imprisonment.

 

[vostok]

Something I've not ever considered is depression post prison ...? most are delirious to be out, but do feel very comfortable out and about..?

 

[CoCoSativas]

Unc fishstick had some good advice. Get a bike. Spin those pedals everyday and get your heart pumping. Don't come back home until you're tired. Gets you outside and focuses your mind on something different. You'll get better at it each day and come to look forward to the improvement. Exercise breaks the depression cycle and gives you a different outlook on life. Maybe you'll have a longer happier life with your girlfriend because of it too.

If you're a space cadet then apply strategies to cope with the absent mindedness. Timers are good. I eventually took the un-timed light out of the flower room and put it on a long cord so that I had to take it inside with me, and couldn't close the door behind me unless I'd removed the light. If you use an aero-cloner, put it on a one minute on-four minute off cycle timer so that you don't need to unplug the pump to lift the lid without spraying water everywhere.

If it wasn't for the down times, then the good times wouldn't seem so good, would they?

edit;

Weird speaks the truth. You may be suffering from PTSD related to your imprisonment.

Ptsd happens to lots whe end up in the joint. Especially growers, people who really dont belong in there for the most part. Some of us do ok in there, but depends on how wild you are. No one likes that shit though.

I feel sorry for everyone who has endured the intake in jail thats some foul shit. Happened to me one time, never fucking again. Stealth is great no jail...

I get wasted once in a while, helps blow off steam. I got problems with booze so I try not to drink to often.

 

[Dready_jake]

Ya I only spent the one night in jail but I'm a prisoner of the drug war regardless.

 

[Weird]

First and foremost, exercise IS a very important aspect of our mental health and well being, but that has been mentioned.

I have a serious paranoia problem since I was a child.

There are studies I can reference but it boils down to this.

Our subconscious registers the outcome of our experiences for the benefit of future survival

A great example is a wartime veteran who comes back from conflict and has a negative response to the sound of something like a helicopter.

The civilian experience leads us to hear that sound and elicit one expectation. That it will fly over and away from us (or maybe chasing you yard to yard lol).

But the military experience may have taught the returning war time vet that it could mean death.

That is the power of our neurological experience, the potency of it's programming.

We can know in our conscious mind shit is o.k. but our subconscious is firing off signals that it is not.

Now add to this the stress of prohibition time growing and the consequences that have been personally realized and it becomes compound.

I went through this for a long time, and I realize it is one of the things that led to attrition among many prohibition time growers over the years.

America's 5% of the world population consumes 80% of the worlds opiate supply and they are still sweating us over a plant.

Over time it simply made me examine why I do this. I would be growing no matter what. smoking as well. I found it better than being sentenced to a life on bi-polar meds. I tried it their way a long time. I have a wealth of medical records, I have my defense at the ready. I have come to terms that not everything "right" is accepted by the powers that be or by the mainstream.

I have found that through periods of suffering like this, that if you can dig deep and uncover those latent fears you can come to terms with them.

IMHO this is a catalyst for enlightenment and an integrity check regardless of what direction it takes you

you know something is off and you want it to be right

you ultimately know what is right for you, everyone has their own basis for virtue and merit, and while the aspects might be universal, the ones that are relative to us individually are not.

I liken times like this when we wrestle with our psyche to a infection under the skin that has now come to a head. Basically your ready for a transformation from the place you are in to a better place, you see that this place is not good for you. Your almost there.

If you approach it from a pragmatic problem and solution based mindset it might make it easier.

As well as prioritizing and addressing issues, on paper and one at a time. If you take these fears floating in your mind, identify them, list them, prioritize by importance and ease of resolution and address them in small digestible bites it will make it more manageable.

 

[heady blunts]

lappy you're that little blue guy in the middle.

 

[bigshrimp]

Breathe....

Take a step back Lap, quit smoking so much and let the haze clear.

Letting your negative emotions and subconscious run you is a sickness. Let it get bad enough and you will become mentally ill. You gotta sort that shit out before you can make the right decision. We all know what we need to do... tiny steps of eating well, exercise, meditation, positive social interactions, practicing non-resistance and right action, blah blah lol.

Stay strong man, u got this shit.

Shrimp

 

[stoned-trout]

cloning is easy ,growing aint that hard either..working a 40 hr job and having to take shit from your boss is hard.....yeehaw..take a short break get outside and have sum fun....

 

[Lapides]

I'm just a fucking lazy baby that gets bent the fuck out of shape when shit isn't easy for me. I think that's the bottom line.

I'll be honest, I don't put very much effort into anything I do. I've never had to. I've gotten this far in life with barely lifting a finger and when I have to, I get ALL PISSY.

I apologize for taking up so much of your time when all I wanted to do was bitch and cry like a little baby because I have to put a little work in.

I got frustrated and needed to vent.

I know there are folks out there that have got it WAY worse than I ever will have it.

 

[gorilla ganja]

hope you are feeling better about things. I have a suggestion you will not like.
Get a job for awhile. But keep up the grow. As you have said yourself .Growing a small indoor grow is hardly a part time job if done right.
The real job will help keep your mind off of all the crap. The best thing is you will get ahead a lot faster. Living off your "job" and then all grow profits can be kept for important things like your upcoming wedding and honeymoon.
best of luck and may all your buds be huge