A priest disappeared the other day, his congregation filed a missing parsons report.
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exoticrobotic
Well-known member
A Jiddle or a Roke?
What cheese doesn't belong to you?
Nacho Cheese
What cheese doesn't belong to you?
Nacho Cheese
Do y’all think Rob Zombie’s dad is named Bob Zombie Senior?
(Out of curiosity I googled it. He actually is Robert senior. Lol)
(Out of curiosity I googled it. He actually is Robert senior. Lol)
Have you heard of the Mexican phone company Taco Bell?
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
CharlesU Farley
Well-known member
It's not the size of the dog who farted, it's the size of the fart in the dog.
A German shepherd, a Doberman pinscher and a cat all die and ascend to the heavens for judgement.
God himself attends the evaluation of worthiness, and asks the German shepherd, "What is it you've done that leads you to believe you're worthy of entrance into my Kingdon?"
The German shepherd replies, "I've protected my master, been loyal, been a companion and reciprocated love to my owner and their family."
God tells the shepherd, "That's good. You may sit at my right hand."
God then asks the Doberman the same question.
The Doberman replies, "Very much like my German shepherd friend, I've loved and protected my master and been a good friend to he and his family."
God replies, "Excellent! You may sit at my left hand."
The cat approaches, and God asks the same question.
The cat replies, "I don't know about any of that, but I believe you're sitting in my seat."
God himself attends the evaluation of worthiness, and asks the German shepherd, "What is it you've done that leads you to believe you're worthy of entrance into my Kingdon?"
The German shepherd replies, "I've protected my master, been loyal, been a companion and reciprocated love to my owner and their family."
God tells the shepherd, "That's good. You may sit at my right hand."
God then asks the Doberman the same question.
The Doberman replies, "Very much like my German shepherd friend, I've loved and protected my master and been a good friend to he and his family."
God replies, "Excellent! You may sit at my left hand."
The cat approaches, and God asks the same question.
The cat replies, "I don't know about any of that, but I believe you're sitting in my seat."
Phytoplankton
Active member
Fellow walks ito the vet with his pet duck, and says “something’s wrong with my duck”. The vet examines the bird and says “I don’t know how to tell you this but your duck is dead!”. The man says “he can’t be, isn’t there something you can do””, he can’t be dead”. The vet says Ok and leaves. A moment later he returns with a cat and sets it next the the duck, the cat just stares at it. The vet picks up the cat and exits. A few seconds later he returns with a Labrador retriever, he walks the dog around the duck a couple times and leaves again. About 5 minutes later he returns and tells the owner, “ “All the tests are in, the duck is dead! That’ll be $250”. The man exclaims, “Why so much?”, the vet says it would only of been $50, but I had to charge you another $200 for the Cat scan and the Lab work!
velorex
Well-known member
My first job was as a deckhand abord a small oil tanker. The older guys there was always taking the piss and making fun of me. Sending me on fools errands was a favorite of theirs. "Get a can of striped paint, or something similar" i quickly caught on, and swore not to be fooled again. so when there was an accidental discharge of noxious gas in the engine room and the chief engineer was yelling for me to get an "air ambulance" I just laughed it off. You should have seen the face of the chief when he realized I wasn't falling for it. (It was blue)
CharlesU Farley
Well-known member
Couldn't find this thread earlier when I was searching for it, got to hate the ZenForo limitation on searches, but it just now came up on the New Posts section. I try not to double post, but this one's worth it 
:
An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?”
The husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
:An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?”
The husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Phytoplankton
Active member
Got a slew of Lawyer jokes (my buddy went to Law School):
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: What the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk!
Q: Why won't a hyena eat a lawyer?
A: Even hyenas have standards
Q: Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy!
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do your call a busload of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: What the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There's skid marks in front of the skunk!
Q: Why won't a hyena eat a lawyer?
A: Even hyenas have standards
Q: Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy!
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do your call a busload of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator
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Wooo woooooo
Wooo woooooo
What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your arse.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your arse.
What does your mum and bookkeeping have in common?
They both use double entry.
They both use double entry.
